Im taking the first steps to recovery, Im scared
It's all gone, I've deleted everything. My entire porn stash, things I've been keeping since I was a kid, I'm 19 now. I don't remember when my addiction started, to be honest, I know it began in middle school, though. Maybe around the age of 8-10, all I remembered was being hooked. I didn't care about anything but girls and sex. It was all I thought about. any time, anywhere, I'd do it or want to. The thing I've realized about addiction, even at a young age, is the spiral. I went from watching something somewhat normal one day, and by tomorrow, I'd be watching the most degenerate, disgusting, possibly illegal stuff, and all when I was around 11-13. Looking back at my life, I see the effects my addictions have had on me. Suicidal thoughts, body dysmorphia, depression, etc. I look back at my past with disgust and regret. I forced the people who loved and cared about me to watch me grow up into a shut-in loser. I keep telling myself, "I was a kid, a really dumb kid, but it wasn't all my fault," or "Regret is the first step to improvement," but it doesn't change the past.
Around the age of 12-13 is when everything went to shit. I began talking to girls and women online. Women older than me would talk to, flash me, or just be weird. And men would do the same, but I would just ignore them. It's the girls that were my age at the time that I was interested in; I'd talk to them and get them to trust me. Once I got what I wanted, I was a dick and a total ass hole. One of those girls follows. Every time I see her, I get so happy to know she's doing better. I wanna just apologize for everything I did to her, but I can't bring myself to do it. What good is an apology now? I don't have it in me to face her, and what about all the other people I've hurt?
I was first exposed to illegal content in middle school. When I first saw it, I freaked out and told someone. I reported the person, too. Even at 13, I knew that shit was gross and wrong. Now at my age, I've seen that shit and worse so many times am almost desensitized. It's not like I enjoy it or really look for it; it just shows up. I was scrolling on Twitter one day, and it just popped up, multiple times. Hell, that shit can be in comment sections sometimes. All of the worst stuff you can imagine, some of those videos are stuck in my head, and it's a constant nightmare.
But I want it to stop, and I did the hardest part. letting it all go, I deleted and cleared my old stashes. My old accounts, galleries, etc. A few hours ago, I relapsed, and I'm promising myself. never again. I plan on dropping it, going out more, and rekindling my old passions. Getting my dream body and hopefully my dream job, patching up old friendships, I want to be a positive role model one day. Spread light to things like this, I hope it's not too late. I always joked that if my younger me saw the person I was now, he'd be so disappointed, but it doesn't have to be like that at all. I've noticed positive changes in myself since I turned 17. I'm proud and happy with the way I look. And happy to be here in life, if there's a god, then they've blessed me. I have friends, family, and a good, healthy body. My childhood wasn't perfect, but a big part of me wouldn't wanna change a thing about it, cuz im happy to be here. The good and bad moments made me. 115 Days, I hope to be back here by then with only the best news to tell (Might delete this later)