Feeling like I'm failing on my end.
I am relatively new to poly. I've dabbled a few times and it wasn't for me before. I entered a new relationship recently and have felt more secure and mature about processing my own feelings but certain aspects of the dynamic I agreed to feel like things I'm settling for and are beginning to sow me with a big feeling of heartache.
I agreed to be a comet with my partner due to schedule issues and distance. I agreed because I felt having them in my life in a romantic capacity even if not consistent was better than not having them in my life in that way.
I'm beginning to feel like I'm not cut out for it. I am okay when they cannot give me attention and it's communicated and while I would like to see them more I am fine with only seeing them as much as we can manage. But we recently went from a lot of talking to a sudden feeling of them not communicating even at times we agreed we both always should try to. (Honest real reasons why they couldn't but still valid for how it made me feel) When I tried to settle my concerns that I had done something wrong I was met with being told that this was what I signed on for and that me messaging when they aren't available as much as I was wasn't cool. It really stung and I knew they were spending time with one of their other partners and they live with another one and it kinda all just flooded into me that there was a sense of hierarchy I entered into where I was always going to be on the bottom.
They assured me otherwise early on that there isn't a favorite for them and even the term primary was kind of hard and weird because of that reason. But how do you not feel less valuable when trying to calm your own anxieties about you doing something wrong is met with what felt like irritation? Or when they spend so much time with other partners and can't with you even if its for reasons you both understand? I did agree to this but I just feel like I'm failing them and failing myself and failing us as a partnership with what I'm now feeling. Like I agreed to not be bothered by a dynamic that feels painful in ways I didn't account for and if I admit that it means I lied to them or betrayed their trust even though I didn't know it would be like this.
I just want us to be happy and they are easily the best relationship and maybe only healthy relationship I've ever really had and I'm scared the answer is we should stop before we get more hurt and backpedal to just being friends. I don't want that to be the answer but I don't want to feel like I matter less. I don't want to be a comet even though I thought I could be one. I want to feel better about being a comet. I want to be able to turn off the fact this person is currently the most important person in my life right now or just turn the volume of that feeling down a bit.
I had important personal things about myself I wanted to tell them about yesterday and today but felt like they didn't have time for it and now I just feel twisted about everything. My guts are gnarled and my heart hurts. I just want to be able to love them with my whole heart but that's not an option for us.
I feel like for me they're this big important person I want to talk to about everything and that for them I'm part of a set. I know thats probably a normal feeling thats hard for a lot of new to poly people to process but it still sucks to experience. I know that's not how they feel about it and I do not mean in any way to make them out as being anything but fantastic throughout this whole thing so far. But feelings are weird and complex and I think admitting I have them somewhere is healthier than not talking about it anywhere. I also know and want to talk to them about it but given the recent events I don't think it's a good time to bring it up.
Part of me is also neurotically convinced they'll see this post and figure out it's me and it'll be a problem of some sort. I know that's just my anxiety speaking but it isn't helping things either.
Does anyone have any advice? Any thoughts or tips or even just some words of comfort? I need something and I'm not sure what. I still really really want to make this work...