What is going on internally when you pull away from someone you care about?
I’ve been seeing someone for about 8 months, and I didn’t know anything about attachment styles before meeting him. Over time, I’ve started to wonder if he may have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, and I’m trying to understand his perspective rather than assume I know what’s going on in his head.
He has told me that he doesn’t want to commit because he feels like he can’t give me what I want, and that eventually I’ll find out who he really is and he’ll ruin the relationship. He isn’t very emotionally vulnerable with me and doesn’t ask many deep/personal questions.
At the same time, he continues to come back to me and seems to really enjoy being around me. He’ll sometimes spend an entire day with me and everything feels incredibly good and connected, and then I may not hear from him for a week. When he comes back, he often acts like nothing happened, and the cycle repeats. He is also completely okay with taking, but does not really reciprocate anything on his own.
This has been happening for the entire 8 months.
I’m struggling to understand the contradiction: How can someone want the connection and continue seeking it, but simultaneously feel unable to commit, open up, or get closer? What is happening internally during the periods of distance? Is it fear of rejection, fear of hurting the other person, feeling overwhelmed by intimacy, losing feelings temporarily, or something else?
I also want to understand something else: if someone is consistently given patience, acceptance, and emotional safety, does that actually make it easier for a fearful avoidant to eventually feel safe enough to open up? Or can that unintentionally allow the person to stay in an unhealthy push-pull cycle?
I care about him and genuinely want to be a safe person for him, but I also don’t want to confuse being supportive with abandoning my own needs.
I’d really appreciate hearing from people who identify as fearful avoidant especially what you actually feel and think during the closeness → withdrawal → return cycle.