r/FearfulAvoidant

I’ve been seeing someone for about 8 months, and I didn’t know anything about attachment styles before meeting him. Over time, I’ve started to wonder if he may have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, and I’m trying to understand his perspective rather than assume I know what’s going on in his head.

He has told me that he doesn’t want to commit because he feels like he can’t give me what I want, and that eventually I’ll find out who he really is and he’ll ruin the relationship. He isn’t very emotionally vulnerable with me and doesn’t ask many deep/personal questions.

At the same time, he continues to come back to me and seems to really enjoy being around me. He’ll sometimes spend an entire day with me and everything feels incredibly good and connected, and then I may not hear from him for a week. When he comes back, he often acts like nothing happened, and the cycle repeats. He is also completely okay with taking, but does not really reciprocate anything on his own.

This has been happening for the entire 8 months.

I’m struggling to understand the contradiction: How can someone want the connection and continue seeking it, but simultaneously feel unable to commit, open up, or get closer? What is happening internally during the periods of distance? Is it fear of rejection, fear of hurting the other person, feeling overwhelmed by intimacy, losing feelings temporarily, or something else?

I also want to understand something else: if someone is consistently given patience, acceptance, and emotional safety, does that actually make it easier for a fearful avoidant to eventually feel safe enough to open up? Or can that unintentionally allow the person to stay in an unhealthy push-pull cycle?

I care about him and genuinely want to be a safe person for him, but I also don’t want to confuse being supportive with abandoning my own needs.

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who identify as fearful avoidant especially what you actually feel and think during the closeness → withdrawal → return cycle.

I'm FA but consider myself earned secure, and I'm trying hard not to fall back into my old pattern of walking away whenever a relationship becomes uncomfortable.

I'm struggling with a dynamic in my relationship and would really like to hear from people who've experienced something similar, particularly other FA/earned-secure people.

I'm actually quite open with my emotions. I've always understood that healthy relationships involve being able to say when you're stressed, frustrated, upset etc. I don't expect myself to pretend everything is fine, and expressing those feelings to my partner is something I thought I was supposed to be doing.

The problem is that my partner seems to become uncomfortable when I'm in a negative mood, even when it has absolutely nothing to do with him.

For example, I can be stressed about work or family and he may become uncomfortable, take it personally, or feel that he needs to do something about my mood. I've never asked him to fix my emotions. In fact, I absolutely hate being "fixed" or feeling like I'm expected to mask my mood to make someone else comfortable.

One example really stuck with me. Early in our relationship I was rushing around doing something, mildly stressed but not taking it out on anyone, and asked him to do something while handing him a tea towel. His hands started fumbling and I remember thinking, "Oh no, he can't tolerate me being stressed."

Another time, I told him I had dinner ready and couldn't wait to welcome him home while he was travelling back from France. He replied:

"When I finally get in I'll have to swap gear over to my car before I can give you a proper hug. Just so you know I'm not ignoring you."

When I asked why he'd said that because it didn't really fit the conversation, he eventually explained that he didn't want to walk in to a 'moody face' (?!)

More recently I've been under huge stress because of a family crisis. I was expressing how overwhelmed and frustrated I was, and he pointed out that I hadn't thanked him for making me a sandwich. I became completely overwhelmed and had a panic attack. He apologised afterwards and reassured me that I don't have to be perfect or happy all the time.

He's also said that he sometimes feels he needs to "manage my moods".

The difficulty is that I don't want him to manage them. I'm capable of regulating myself. I want to be able to say:

"I'm having a shit day."

without that becoming something he needs to fix, take personally or turn into a relationship issue.

I can feel myself starting to monitor my own emotions because I'm anticipating his reaction, and that is exactly what I don't want to do.

I'm also aware that I'm FA and have a history of wanting to walk away when relationships feel unsafe. So I'm genuinely trying to work out whether I'm experiencing an attachment trigger or whether this is something I should take seriously.

What I'm asking other FA/earned-secure people:

How do you stay secure when your partner becomes uncomfortable with your emotions?

How do you:

allow yourself to have a bad mood without feeling responsible for their discomfort?

distinguish between "I'm behaving badly" and "my partner is uncomfortable because I'm simply having an emotion"?

avoid becoming hypervigilant about your tone/mood/face?

communicate "I'm stressed, but you don't need to fix me" without then having to reassure them?

remain emotionally detached enough to let them manage their own reaction?

And, honestly, does this become lonely over time?

I'm not asking whether my partner will change or asking people to diagnose him. I'm trying to learn how I can respond securely without either suppressing myself or immediately deciding I need to leave.

I'd really appreciate experiences from people who've actually lived this.

Please excuse my grammar, English isn't my native language.

I(m27) met someone new just a few months after a bad break-up. We only have seen each other a few times but we've been talking for almost 2 months already. Although I'm not expecting a romantic relationship with her, I can see how nice and amazing she(f28) is and I really enjoy being with her.

But during our last date (just a friendly date), she held my hand. I asked her why she did that and she just said that it's because she feels safe and comfortable being with me. At first, it was all okay with me because I feel the same way when I'm with her. But as the days went by, I became conscious of how deep our connection has become and I think it triggered something inside me. I just woke up one day feeling anxious and replying to her messages makes me panic. I feel like all the connections I had before is now gone, and it makes me wanna runaway from her but I know I shouldn't because it's unfair. My chest is always tight and I feel dizzy all the time.

I'm not actually sure what kind of attachment style I have, but this isn't the first time I've felt this way. I'm aware that if I don't manage this correctly, there's a high chance that I'll ruin everything between us. I'm tired of losing amazing people in my life just because I feel this way. Please help me.

This thread is for non-Fearful Avoidants who have questions about the attachment style.

Our subreddit is primarily a support space for people who identify as Fearful Avoidant, so we ask that questions about your partner, ex, crush, or someone you suspect is FA be posted here rather than as separate posts.

Please remember:

• We can't diagnose someone else's attachment style.
• Every Fearful Avoidant is different, so no one can explain another person's thoughts or actions with certainty.
• Be respectful and mindful that members are here for support first.

Thanks for helping keep the main feed focused on the experiences and healing of Fearful Avoidants.

I’ve found that the only relationships that actually last or are tolerable for me are with someone who is also FA because they don’t smother me and aren’t threatened by me living my own separate life, but a lot of problems still arise due to varying degrees of avoidance. It’s never exactly aligned. Also, we seem to both avoid relational conflict and therefore things start to get really murky on both sides.

I (24f) have been single for the past 2 years, no dating/no situationships or anything of the sort. In this time, I’ve had about three instances of really liking people romantically. I’ve not been actively looking for a relationship, so these have happened gradually with people I know and get on really well with. I then finally admit to myself I like them, and allow myself to entertain the possibility it could work. This is fun and exciting for about a week, maybe a month max, and then suddenly something happens that throws me back into avoidant overdrive. A few years ago, this would’ve been a fear of intimacy and vulnerability, but it’s a lot different now.

For example, last night I found out the current/third person this has happened with is seeing someone, and that they also rearranged plans we had as a group that I am now not invited to (but unsure if this is me assuming I wasn’t invited). I thought they at least liked me as a person, and I saw us as getting on really well, but now I’m worried they find me annoying and am realising they rarely reply to my messages. I just feel stupid, everyone in our group seemed to think they were into me as well, and I just feel like I got my hopes up and have actually been annoying this person for weeks and mistaking it as chemistry. I have a deep fear of being romantically unlovable - I cringe when people do show interest because I ‘know’ they won’t like me when they get to know me (which has sadly been a consistent outcome). I have a lot of long-term friends who know me well and love me and speak of me highly, but I always say that men especially do not view me romantically even if they like me as a friend. I really don’t want to believe this is true as I know I wouldn’t think it about anyone else, but I can’t help but notice this pattern of really gelling with people to then find they just don’t see me ‘that way’.

I try to find logic in why this keeps happening but the more it happens the more I’m convinced it’s some ‘sign’ it’s just not meant for me, and that I need to put this energy into fostering my friendships and giving up on ever being in a loving relationship. I’m aware I’ve displayed/‘hinted at’ avoidant behaviours to these people out of fear of getting too close/losing control early on. Is this really what’s fucking me over? I just wish I could know what’s going on in people’s heads before I put myself in a position of vulnerability, but equally people being too forward from the off unsettles me as well 🤦

Can anyone relate to this? Or offer any logical explanation for these patterns that isn’t just I should give up? I don’t even know how it ties into my attachment style in a way I can work on when I feel like this only happens when I let the avoidant behaviour slip.

Question for the FA, do your parent know of the specifics of ur relationship...particularly the struggles as ur attachment shows? Or do you have a good relationship despite a childhood trauma?

Just curious.

My ex has a good relationship with his. I know there was trauma but besides that he's has what one would say positive. I think they'd be disappointed to hear of his patterns.

The Gut Feeling vs. Deactivation

For a lot of (FAs), we’ve been taught not to trust our "gut" because we so often mistake being triggered for how we truly feel. This makes it excruciatingly hard to discern when a relationship simply isn't a right fit versus when we're just running away.
What I’ve come to understand is that being triggered and having a true gut feeling are not mutually exclusive. If you ignore your subtle, quiet feelings along the way, deactivation is the inevitable downstream consequence.
In these final moments with my ex, I could see what was wrong and what needed to change. But knowing what's broken doesn't mean you have the capacity to endure and rebuild until it's fixed. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that theoretically it could work, my body was telling me something else.

The Mechanics of the Anxious-Avoidant Clash

I finally saw how I was actively fueling our dynamic. During our "reconnection" phase, I insisted on autonomy (even though I didn't fully understand why I needed it so desperately yet). To make the situation feel safe for myself, I created specific conditions: seeing other people, taking it slow, and keeping my distance.
Ironically, the moment I felt the safest was the exact moment my ex felt the most triggered. I had manufactured a low-stakes, ambiguous situation-ship to protect myself. But I wasn't operating from a place of security. I was operating from a coping mechanism. Your coping mechanisms will often be what is most triggering to an anxiously attached partner, because your strategy for safety (distance) is in direct opposition to theirs (closeness).
I realized if I gave up my coping mechanisms for their comfort (cutting off others, over-communicating), I would inevitably deactivate. I had no choice but to hold my line. The fear of getting in too deep and misleading them finally outweighed the guilt of hurting their feelings.

Codependent Caretaking

Even so, letting them be responsible for their own emotions was very painful for me. Throughout our relationship, whenever they protested a boundary, my automatic reflex was to self-sacrifice, soothe them, and manage their panic.
Outwardly, this self-sacrifice can look like devotion or love. In reality, I was building my own cage to be trapped in. By prioritizing their own emotional comfort over my own boundaries, I built a relationship where I was guaranteed to feel trapped. I was so accustomed to caretaking that having normal, healthy boundaries made me feel like I was going crazy. Deep down I was carrying the exhausting belief that I was solely responsible for their emotional regulation.

Why We Hide in Casual Dynamics

This explains why I leaned into situationships, casual setups, or opted out of dating entirely. If being close to someone automatically triggers a reflex to abandon yourself, intimacy feels like a trap. Low-stakes relationships were the only place I felt safe from total self-erasure.
Avoidance was how I protected myself. But protection isn't growth. You can't learn how to hold boundaries in isolation. you can only learn it in the arena of real relationships with real people.

The Repetition Compulsion

I was shown in my formative years that to be loved and stay close, I must sacrifice who I am.
My subconscious has been re-enacting this exact dynamic of seeking out high-stress situations to prove to myself that if I just sacrifice enough, I can finally earn a safe outcome. I no longer need to jump into the cage to prove I know how to get out.

okay so its been 5 years since we were dating he was so good to me like everything i ever wanted in my man but after 2 years things changed i was fearful avoidant and he was dismissive avoidant so i got so anxiously attached to him now im in the state where he cheated on me but its hard for me to leave i asked him multiple times that whats wrong he used to shrug me off i built this resentment towards him and after like a span of 6 months of him cheating which he never admitted was wrong and i was never able to leave him either because i loved him actually and thought he was going through something and wanted distraction ik its so pathetic of me but he finally admitted he liked her and she was better than me idk i got my answer and now i feel alone like i was the only one left in this relationship i could never replace him even if his bad to me i would always choose him its sad its so one sided, all i wanted was him to want me the same nth helps me to move on im trying to become better but i feel so empty like something is missing why couldnt he love me the same its clear to me now that he doesnt needs me but what am i supposed to do i always feel so sick to my stomach when i think he liked her im not insecure or anything ik im perfect but idk u guys could understand ig how it feels getting cheated on he was always avoidant towards me never let me in im so jealous he feels safe with her i wanted to end my life several times but the idea was always for him to choose me so its not good to die either idk what should i do now?

I feel much more peaceful since I am single and the feelings for my ex are dying down.... but why? I am not like happier but I feel more stable yes I miss cuddle, intimacy both sexual and emotional but the pain and all this time to get more emotionally stable or at peace, I feel like not dating anymore and I think is it worth it , going through all of this? no....

Anyone has experienced this or is experiencing this, I am looking for also different view points....

In general I feel more free when I am alone because I can do what I want to even as with family or friends...

For those of you who identify as fearful-avoidant: have you ever been completely cut off by someone you loved after they became exhausted with the push-pull/ambivalence?

Especially if that person explicitly told you there would be no future reunion — not in a month, not in five years, not “when you're ready” — and then blocked you and genuinely moved on.

What did you experience afterward?

Did the finality make you realize what you had lost? Did you feel more activated, relieved, angry, numb, or some combination? Did you want to reach out even though you knew they didn't want contact?

And over time, did it motivate you to actually work on your patterns, or did you eventually just move on?

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who had previously relied on the idea of “maybe someday” and then had that possibility completely removed.

Please share your actual experience rather than what attachment theory says should happen. I'm genuinely curious about what it felt like from the FA side.

Hi, I (F27) started seeing someone (M30) recently, and I felt like we were moving very quickly early on.

We started seeing each other about a month and a half/two months ago, and have been on maybe 4 or 5 dates since, but have been intimate since our 3rd date. I had a bit of a panic and retreated after that date, and even ended it. He took it well, said that it's okay, etc. Just 3 days later, I reached out to him and said I'd like to continue to see him. He thought about it briefly and forgave me, and we continued to see each other. It has been two weeks since that happened, and we have seen each other four times since (not all dates--he came over once, I went to his house once).

Before that happened, I was seeing him maybe two or three times a week, and we were actively texting throughout the day. Nothing excessive, but we were still getting to know each other over text, with both of us asking questions, etc. Now I'm lucky if I get three or four texts from him a day. He also recently said he can only see me once a week, as he has other priorities (work, friends, sports, etc.). I should note that he is very securely attached and I have not detected any avoidance from his side, but this shift has me feeling a bit stressed.

Is he doing this as a result of my avoidance? Is he less interested now than he was before? Am I too in my head about it and need to relax? We are not exclusive but I am not seeing other people (I don't know if he is). I just feel myself deactivating and shutting down again. I don't want to stop seeing him, but I'm not feeling very good about myself or this situation anymore. I downloaded dating apps again and I feel like it would be easier to just start over with someone new, but I don't want to go back to those patterns anymore. I don't know where to go from here.

Before this week, I didn't know what Fearful avoidant meant. Or what attachment styles were. This is a new world for me. I apologize if I this comes out messy or disjointed. It is a lot, I do not know if this is ok. I'm sorry in advance.

This is not related to romantic relationships, but instead friendships.

My childhood was not good to say the least, (Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse) I will leave it at that. If I were to guess, it would likely point to why I am the way that I am, as our pasts often are.

I have always been bad at making friends. At least that is what I've told myself my entire life. I've considered myself a drifter, because I've often gotten to know people, gotten close, and then I leave without a word. Normally either angry, panicked, depressed, or worried. Take your pick, it's been all of them, sometimes all at once.

I had a friend group I spent over a decade with online. At first all at once, for years. Doing a bit of everything. Playing games, staying up late watching movies, talking about everything, ourselves, each other. Dnd, roleplay fun, stories, writing, all of it. Despite this, in a particularly hard point in my life, I left. No word, no goodbye, I just left. In my mind, I couldn't imagine that it hurt them because I had been drifting away bit by bit as my real-life situation had fallen apart rather dramatically. I had stopped talking, stopped messaging, I was hardly there. So who could believe that they would care if I left? I didn't.

I've done this with friend groups online and in person. I will be close friends with someone. We will be so close. And we will talk so much, and hangout either online or in person depending on who it was. And yet, I'd leave every time. I'd get into my head and would say they'd be better off without me, or that something they had said meant one thing, or that something they did meant another.

I'd panic, and I'd leave. Sometimes I'd just not message them ever again, and they would never message first, those were easy, those justified themselves. They clearly did not want the friendship as much as I did. That was something I could leave and not regret.

Others were either explosive or enraged with me. At the time I couldn't understand it. Now I see I had broken their trust in me, they had depended on me as a friend, as someone to depend on, confide in, and I simply stopped. Terrified of them, of the friendship, of all of it. Terrified of someone knowing who I was because who I was was a terribly broken person who could not keep a friend to save my life. That they would have clearly left me if I had not left them. That I would be hurt again like I had again and again and again. and again. As I was by the very people who were supposed to stop that from happening.

I've lost countless friendships to this, to myself. Either through self-sabotage, disappearance, whatever I would do to get myself safe and home and not feel that terrible sharp panic and terror that makes you want to run and never talk to someone again.

Almost always I'd feel safe at first. Then came the regret. Then the grief. A usual cycle that I got used to. Something I could live with though, until I couldn't, sometimes.

I only found out about this because I had joined a wonderful group of people. I never really talked in this group. It was largely focused around a business. And I, foolishly, tried to make it about friendship in my mind. Which I realize in hindsight was probably incredibly annoying to this group, though they may never have said because of how kind they are.

Also, it is incredibly hard to make friends when you simply stand at the side of the room and watch everyone else make and be friends with one another. But I find it very hard to talk to people. If I talk, I open too quickly. And online there is a trail. I will look back at what I said the previous day and panic. Did I say too much? Do they know this about me now? Then I panic and delete the message, or edit it to be cold. My thought is that the group is all business after all, at the end of the day. No one wants to see a person open themselves up like that, especially when the inside of what opens is ugly and cold and just yearning for every bit of a friend or connection.

I simply liked being there with them. Them around me. Me saying something occasionally. Sometimes I'd work up the courage to talk to people, and they were so warm and encouraging that I would talk more, or sit there smiling like an idiot like it had made my day. It's all business, but it's okay to smile, isn't it?

I made the mistake of opening up to someone. They seemed to have a similar background to mine, but I would never pry. I am much too cowardly to dare to ask someone to open themself to me. To hold someone's past is sacred, and I am much too clumsy and yearning for friendship to hold something like that without making it holy in my mind. (Not religious holy).

Yet, despite opening up, I was doing it for business. It was part of a number of questions asked for a business decision. It was said to give as much detail as possible, and damn me, I did. Yet, it did not make me run, because in my mind, this was just business, this person did not care about the actual past, these things I was opening up about. It was just for the purpose of coming to the correct purchase decision. And for the longest time, I believed that was it.

In my mind, we were not friends, despite how much I really wanted to be. Despite how much I liked everyone in the community, despite saying hello and goodbye and 'Ooo that's neat', or only managing little emoji responses. Despite months of just being happily surrounded as I sat quietly and let the noise fill the silence that I hate, I for some reason thought no one would care if I left.

I don't know why I did it. I have several ideas, but I don't know exactly what triggered me to panic again. But I did something differently, instead of leaving without a word, I said goodbye.

I don't know if I regret that or not. If I didn't, I would be safe in a little bubble, perhaps not feeling regret just yet. I would be alone but by myself. But I said goodbye instead. I thought I owed them that much. Though cowardly enough, I only said goodbye to the head of the business. I told them I didn't belong, and that I was drifting on. They said they thought we were becoming friends and wished me luck and respected my decision.

I don't know why that affected me the way that it did. I don't know if it was the possibility of being friends. If I could be friends with them, then maybe everyone else I was talking to, or around, maybe they could be friends, maybe I could be friends with everyone. They were all so nice, so open, just so kind. Or If it was the fact that this person saw me drifting on and let me, they respected that. That was a kindness in itself.

I don't know. I don't know if I want to know. I don't know why I am this way. I don't want to be this way. But I am.

I opened up again to them. Then realized what I did, panicked again, deleted it, then fled. I deleted my account.

Skipping some smaller stuff, I returned after being told that if I cared, I would return and let them respond. I did care, I do care, about all of them. Despite how little I contributed to it all. Despite how little I talked or did anything. I care far too deeply. I don't know why. I don't know why I want to be friends with people so badly. Because I have no family? Because I have very little friends? Because suffering loves company?

Regardless I returned. The quickest turnaround time ever achieved for me leaving and feeling regret and shame. I don't know what to do with myself now. The person pointed me to being fearful attachment. And when I looked it up, it hit every damn nail on the head. I cried. I cried again. My stomach has been destroyed with pain for days of just being beside myself. How many people have I sabotaged relationships with and hurt? How many friends have a lost due to no one's fault but my own?

The worst part is that I want to run again so badly. I lasted a day before the panic returned. I opened up again to the person and re-read my own message the next day and deleted half of it, and chilled the other half. I don't believe they saw the original.

All the negative little nagging thoughts. Why allow such useless drama in a community surrounding a business? Why would they want me there? Just for my business? For money? Is it because of pity? Is it because one person understands and the rest will never forgive me? They have to hate me, they have to judge me. I want to run. But I said I wouldn't. So I sit here quietly again.

I've already wiped the shine off of their trust. Why would any of them ever speak to me again?

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I am. Fearful avoidance seems to fit what I am, all I have done. How does one live and make friends like this? I feel I leave every friend I make.

If anyone has read this far, thanks a lot. I really needed to place these words somewhere.

I've been in therapy for many years now, and I feel like I've made progress in a lot of ways. However, I've realized very recently that I have a crush on a friend of mine, but that they don't see me that way. I'm having such a hard time coping. It's affecting my sleep, my focus at work, and I can't seem to take an interest in any healthy activities to distract myself. The rejection has me feeling like "Here we go again, more proof that no one I want will ever like me back." I'm trying to lift myself out of it, but would appreciate any advice from other FAs about what has worked for you to reclaim some self esteem and balance after rejection, when the dependent side of this attachment style is feeling so triggered by it.

This is something I talked about with my therapist today about how I deal with abandonment.

My initial reaction towards it is indifference, the avoidant side of me gets triggered and I completely lack the care to maintain the connection, whether they’re there or not there doesn’t bother me. Be friends, not be friends, it’s whatever to me.

Then my anxious side bursts through that emotional wall of mine with gasoline and a lighter ready to burn shit down like no tomorrow. An intense strong feeling to completely cut the person off from every access point. By the time I am done, what once looked like a mess that could possibly be resolved now looks like a nuclear bomb went off and nothing will ever be fixable. I burn it all down, remove them, block them, never want to speak to them again. Internally I am just thinking to myself (Why the hell should I keep any connection with you, look at how you treated me, look at your inability to take accountability, why would I ever want you in my life? You’re not good for me, in fact, I am better off without you).

It feels good too. In those moments where you have control, and the self-regulating that your behavior does to sooth those intense feelings feels great. However, then maybe a few months pass, and you look back on the destruction you caused. Perhaps you regret it and you wish you had better self-control. But it’s too late and all you can do is carry that regret, grow from it and try to be better in the future.

What about y’all? Are y’all bridge burners or do you try to pull the person back in, or just go straight to indifference, stay in it for a while and then reach out with a lot of affection, promises of change, and missing the person?

I have FA attachment, my partner is mostly secure with DA features. We both have cptsd from childhood. While I don't like comparing traumas as "better" or "worse", my childhood obviously affected my attachment system much more strongly. That's where a lot of our disconnect has come from, because my partner can empathise to an extent since some things are similar, but mine goes way deeper than my partner can fully understand.

So, my partner has a more stable baseline than I do and can more easily bounce back. But they have a much lower emotional quota than me. I have done years and years of various types of therapy and processing my trauma and attachment. I am very self aware, almost to a fault. I over analyse everything. I have made tremendous strides with my own self regulation but I still don't know how to function in a relationship with another human being. My partner has extensive experience with long term relationships, although none of their relationships sound 100% healthy, my partner clearly has the capacity to stay for years even when things are clearly not working anymore.

I... Don't know if I have the same ability. The longest relationship I had was 2 years. And I felt like this ex didn't know anything about me. The relationship stayed afloat via me dissociating and not letting myself be vulnerable until they got tired of it. That was the only time I've been dumped. Every other relationship I've had, I left them first. Including my ex who for years I fixated on as "the one that got away" even though I was the one who broke up with them during a time we were both very much in love, blindsiding them, just because I was scared of the possibility of us breaking up in the future. But most of my romantic interests don't even get to the point of becoming an official relationship before I sense future pain and leave before I get a chance to experience that change.

I don't believe in love at first sight. But I think I halfway fell in love with my partner on the day we met. There was a magnetic pull I've never felt so strongly towards anyone. And I had done extensive healing on my own, I finally felt ready to confront my attachment issues and try giving a relationship my genuine best shot even if it doesn't work out in the end. There was a bit of chasing and instability in the beginning. But once our relationship became official I think it settled into something really beautiful. And healthier than any attachment I've ever experienced in my life. Although...that's quite a low bar.

We've been officially dating for 4 months. When things are good, they are really good, and I can easily imagine myself spending the rest of my life with this person. Even knowing there are things we'll have to compromise on. I'm willing to do it because I value this relationship so much.

But we do have repeated issues on both sides about emotional transparency. This is one of my most important values in a partnership. I withhold and bottle up feelings, my partner outright lies when scared, though tells me later. But it creates trust issues. Every time they've confessed they lied about something, I had already sensed dishonesty before they told me. Every time I've gotten this "sense" they've confessed. So I don't think there's anything significant they're lying about that they haven't told me yet, but I obviously can't be assured. And it just opens up a whole rabbit hole of "if they lied about this, what else are they lying about? Can I truly trust *anything* they say?" And if it gets to that point, then the relationship is surely doomed. And some of these lies have been about boundary issues with other relationships.

I have trouble telling them my feelings and making myself vulnerable because they can use it to hurt me. I've been trying so hard to open up, even to the point of dysregulating myself to try to coregulate with my partner. It mostly works. But sometimes they are not emotionally available enough for me when I need them. Which is why I adapted to self regulating in the first place. I know I don't *need* this from a partner. I know I'm okay handling my emotions on my own. But they tell me that I need to be more open and vulnerable with them, or else they don't feel connected to me. But the issue is, sometimes when I try, they don't receive it well. And it makes me close myself off and deactivate my attachment. My deactivation has happened 3 times in our 4 month relationship. Each time, I have been triggered by something insensitive my partner did or said and my emotions just go completely offline, for about 2-3 days. I do not have access to the feelings of love or attachment. I have a strong desire to breakup, which I conceal from my partner, because I know that a breakup isn't necessarily what my true self would want if my feelings were still activated. But it's like going through the motions. They can sense something is off about me, but they don't know how off. And the entire time I feel like I'm going through the motions, waiting for my feelings to come back. They eventually do. In any other relationship, if I felt this, I would have gone for the breakup immediately.

This is something I want to fight for. I don't know if it's sustainable. I don't know if we can work through these issues, particularly trust issues. I think we're both too avoidant. My partner doesn't know what to do with me, because all of their exes have been AP. And despite the fact that I do have anxious traits my avoidance is the biggest threat to our relationship, especially since I can so easily go offline and stop caring. My partner wants to know a way to reach me when this happens but I truthfully don't know what fixes it. My partner also has very strong insecurities and a fear of rejection. So me being deactivated triggers them, and they start withdrawing too. And it just turns into a vicious cycle. Every time this has happened, my partner has been the one to try to break it by reaching out. But it's not sustainable. I keep thinking, a relationship shouldn't require this much pain and effort. But I think that's short sighted thinking. I've never allowed myself to be this intimate and emotionally vulnerable with anyone before. I know we both have some major personal baggage we are working through along side our interpersonal relationship issues. And despite knowing each other for only a short amount of time, I see us both making progress on both an individual level and a relational level. And like I said, when things are good, they're *really* good. I can't believe my life sometimes, that I found someone who can bring me so much love, joy, wonder, hope, and stability.

But it all comes crashing down when there's conflict. I don't have access to those positive feelings anymore. They're completely inaccessible to me. I have to keep reminding myself that I love them and I want this relationship to work. I'm afraid of making any relationship altering decisions when I'm not in my right mind. But I'm also exhausted with this cycle and I don't know how much longer I can keep up with it. I don't understand those couples that go on constantly fighting for years and years. I've never had a full on "fight" with my partner. Just harsh remarks and dead silence. And that's enough to make me want to exit my body.

I keep thinking I need to give it time to see if we can work out the kinks. That I need to be patient. But it's so hard to keep sight of the future when in the moment my attachment wounds are screaming at me to protect myself at all costs. And I keep thinking, are the cracks already showing? If we break up, I feel like it's going to be because of one of the issues that's already been identified. And I'm going to feel foolish for proceeding with the relationship when I should have known better. I feel like I need to save us both from future heartbreak by ending things calmly now before we get in too deep and make it harder to separate. But I know this is just fear talking. Because I love them so much. The urge to break up isn't because I don't want to be with them anymore. It's because I'm afraid there will inevitably be a breaking point and I'd rather deal with it sooner rather than later so I can get over it more quickly.

I don't know how long to give this relationship a chance. Like in terms of time frame (wait 6+ months to see if there's progress?) or when to tell if something is truly a final nail in the coffin or if it actually can be worked out. And I'm also scared that I'm forcing myself to stay in an incompatible relationship because I'm internally dismissing all my relationship concerns as "me just being avoidant again."

I don't know. It hurts and I'm scared. Because I've never allowed myself to love someone this deeply. The core fear underneath it all is that I don't want to lose them. How ironic?

do you ever feel pressure from society, friends, or family to follow social norms that don’t align with your way of living and feelings?
I never doubted my life choices or my way of living as an avoidant. In fact, I love it most of the time. I am not the type of avoidant who will lead you on, play games, or hide the fact that I am emotionally challenged until I can’t anymore.
But recently, I’ve been feeling a little depressed/sad about the fact that I can’t have “normal” romantic relationships, and I really don’t like it 😂
For context, I am 26 years old, turning 27 later this year, and maybe those feelings are coming through because most people my age around me are getting engaged, married, buying houses, and being content with that socially acceptable lifestyle, which has always appalled me..and still does.
I generally don’t let other people’s opinions affect the way I live my life, which is an uphill battle in itself as a woman in my particular country, but this has really been bothering me for the last few months.
Is it just normal societal pressure that affects us all at some point in our lives, or is it maybe a desire to try to change the way I live and connect with other people?
Side note: this is my first Reddit post EVER, and English is not my first language, so PLEASE be gentle with me 🥺

Trying to figure out if I’m wrong for this, but I really dislike when someone is overly flirty when we first meet, especially in online dating.

I feel the strongest feelings when I’m able to get to know someone’s interests/likes/dislikes and have some light flirty banter, but I feel so put off when someone goes all in on compliments and blushy emojis without even getting to know me. Even after a first date, I like to flirt a bit more but still want to keep the friendly getting-to-know-you going.

I just feel guilty because I guess that’s what dating is? You have to flirt. I don’t know if I’ve been too harsh on people because I know I can also swing anxious when someone is hard to read/not as flirty. I feel like a complicated mess sometimes :(

ive been talking to this guy for 4 months but we only really established we are taking it seriously like 2 weeks ago, ever since then ive been feeling like i need to run away and super anxious even tho i dont want to, this is also causing me to feel like idrk whether i like him or not anymore and now it just feels like im leading him on and im really scared of hurting him, i have a really hard time comitting bc it feels like all my freedom will be taken away, as in i need to worry about this person constantly and i just feel sm anxiety and my emotions r so high in relationships which ends up destroying my nervous system and its really emotionally exhausting (ive only been in 1), smth else is that in my only relationship i ended up losing feelings after a few months and it ended horribly so im terrified ill just lose feelings for him if we get in a relationship and hurt him.
This new guy im talking to treats me really well and he makes sure i know hes focused on me and likes me, but why do i feel like i want to run away but at the same time not? its just such an uncomfortable anxious feeling and it doesnt stop until i leave the situation but then i get sad even tho i feel relieved in a way, i just dont know what i can trust anymore about my own thoughts and feelings and im terrified of hurting him

Any advice would be of great help or even just sharing ur experiences :)