r/FearfulAvoidant

Im FA, dated another FA. The mirroring was intense.

I admit I want them back.

I keep getting mixed messaging on how I should act online social media, some say to show subtle signals that Im dating. Others say that would be get me blocked.

For me, Im anxious leaning FA and he is Dismissive leaning FA, if I saw him dating someone else, it would make me want to unfollow, block and move on. Seeing him happy with someone else kills attraction for me.

Curious if thats true for others?

Whats the best way to get him interested again?
To get him back. Theres a lot of hurt feelings on both sides.

Its been 3 months.

Curious what it was like for some of y'all? Or people who were friends with FAs in University? I am curious if it was hard to make friends, deep connections, if there was a fear of really letting people to get to know you?

I’m 23 and never been ina relationship and I also come from a culture where they kinda get married young on top of that. But absolutely everyone around me keeps asking why I choose to be single why I reject ppl that like me and so on

I have had talking stages but the minute it gets ALMOST real I just can’t do it anymore. And it kills me, the entire time I can’t stop thinking ab them and it’s painful and takes over my daily life. While I’m with and while I withdrew that pain is there always.

Is it wrong if I decide that being single is the move for me ? What answer do I give ppl my parents are concerned and sick of me. I honestly don’t think I would live a long life anyway for some reason I have that fear in me and whenever someone approaches me it’s like I can foresee the future of me being in shackles bc of this love but also in absolute despair if they leave or hurt me. I can’t get passed it no therapy is doing anything or working.

But I rlly am just so over the constant questions every single time from friends family coworkers strangers every single setting I go to the only thing ppl seem to care about is my relationship status and why I haven’t given a try yet. And I constantly get looked at crazy when I respond with “just don’t want to” bc I can’t rlly give and don’t wanna give any of these ppl the real truth.

My main issue is I wish I could atleast be consistent with my self and love my self without having periods of hating myself. If I cannot love myself even when I’m not the best that day/week/month then I simply will never be in a relationship. It just doesn’t click in my head or make any sense at all

Got deleted because I had the wrong post flair, reposting

In the avoidant breakup sub something that I've seen frequently come up is that their ex avoidant partner "rewrites history". That they lie and make the dumped out to be a villain. I was just curious if anyone actually on here agrees with that?

I was convinced I didn't do this in past breakups but when I really sat and reflected it feels like i perhaps have done this after all just in a subconscious way.

In the back of my mind I would think things like "he didn't like me, he just feels sorry for me and didn't want to hurt my feelings. Also he's laughing behind my back with his friends. It's all just a big joke to him." Even though I was the one who ended it, he was consistently kind to me and even apologized to me after what objectively was chaotic behavior from me. These thoughts were remnants of things that happened to me in the past and his personality reminded me of those people.

But the thing is it really does work. Even though it hurts believing these things, whether they're true or not, makes it a lot easier to move on. It made me never regret breaking up. And it also kept me from taking responsibility for my own behavior. I never once thought I was hurtful. And I know for the most part that I was kind and giving. But I also know I made him cry more than once and not apologizing.

If you've come to similar realizations do you just try to forgive yourself?

I keep wondering what a soulmate actually is. I thought loving would be so easy. I think about my ex, and I keep wondering why it was so hard...when the truth is, I made it hard.

When we first met, I was so set on her. I told everyone about her before we were even anything. I was just drawn to her in a way I couldn't explain. On our first date, I couldn't stop looking at her. She’s stunning. All I could think about was how I couldn't wait to introduce her to my family and how eager I was for her to be mine. She was cautious at first, told me I was love bombing so I chilled out...probably in the worst way. I will admit that while I was waiting for her to finally open up to me, I kept texting or going back to my ex-situationships. I was scared my ex wouldn't pick me, so I just kept cycling back through the people that I knew were probably still waiting. I know it's messed up. I don't know why I did it, but I asked her if she even wanted to be with me ever, and she said yes, so I stopped talking to them. Finally, we got together. I couldn't believe someone as kind, smart, and beautiful as her would want to be with someone like me. I’d never been in a committed relationship before but with her, I didn't want to walk away.

As I integrated my ex into my life, I kept getting more scared. I asked her once what happens if we do all of this and just end up getting hurt, and she told me that’s the point of a relationship: you try and you keep going together. She said love is something people fight for and right now, we're just seeing if that's even a possibility for us. But back then, I thought having those doubts meant she wasn't "my person." I thought loving would be easy. I thought i wouldn't be scared if this was actually my person.

When we were together, everything felt perfect. Maybe it was the honeymoon phase but even then I think about the days we just hung out. We always had so much fun. When we had any disagreements, we'd actually hear and talk it out. She was so good at expressing herself. At times, we both got emotional, but it was always a mature conversation. But whenever I was away from her, I’d get completely in my head, spiraling over questions like "What if she's not the one?" or "Why am I falling for a girl who didn't even like me to begin with?" I made up so many scenarios that weren't real. If I had all these questions, then maybe I shouldn't be serious with her. People always say that they know they're going to get married to the person they're with early on, but I really just couldn't imagine it anymore. I knew it was possible, but it felt too serious for me so early on. I pushed her away, stopped replying, shut down, and stopped being the person I promised I’d be. When she asked me about it, I just told her I didn't care for her anymore. I don't know if that was true, but looking back today, I’m still thinking about her and I still care so much.

They say a soulmate is the one person who makes life easy—someone who makes it safe to share your feelings, makes you feel heard, and talks you through things. She did all of that for me, but I couldn't meet her there. Did I just push away my soulmate?

I hurt the kindest, most understanding person to ever exist. She had been hurt so many times in her life, and she trusted me not to do that to her. She saw past my past, laughed and danced with me, played silly games, and was happy doing absolutely nothing together as long as we were in the same room. She was confident, beautiful, and proud to hold my hand and show me off because I had convinced her I was the one.

Instead, I became the exact person I used to hate—the one who broke her heart. I was so harsh when we ended things, and I keep replaying that final night over and over, wishing I had chosen different words. Like would we still be together if I just heard her out? I feel like I embarrassed her, disappointed my friends, and hurt the one person who gave me every benefit of the doubt. I don't know if there's any way to fix this, but the regret is eating me up.

I feel so horrified and broken, and I feel like I can’t tell anyone. I am an FA woman and for the last almost 2 years, I’ve been off and on with this other FA guy. Idk if you guys have ever tried this type of dynamic, but it’s absolute hell. I love him, I really do. I like his humor, he’s kind, he’s handsome. But we have a very toxic dynamic that has worn me down so much.

I don’t want to say I’m innocent. I’m not. I deactivate, I block, I lash out. Almost weekly, I do some sort of attempt to end the dynamic because I find it so painful. On the other hand, he does not deactivate and block. He doesn’t even attempt to directly end it. But he creates burners to follow me, monitors my location and media, but the thing that always causes my lashing is that he doesn’t communicate directly. We are in this constant push and pull, and I am happy to give details if necessary, but we have this weird non-verbal communication method we do on Instagram to basically reassure ourselves. However, the part of my brain that always tells me he’s secretly evil and manipulative and out to hurt me was eating at me so hard. And when he disappeared for sleep from 12:30am to 10:00am, I tried to tell myself to slow down and think before I act but I deactivated my instagram.

It’s now 1:42pm and I know it’s barely been any time, but my anxiety is eating so much at me. I want things to end or improve. But he doesn’t trust me not to go, and I don’t trust that me actually staying will lead to things changing. So I just want to kill it. I just want it to be over. I want this horrible feeling to go away.

At the same time, I feel so horrible that I hurt him again. He hurts me with the lack of normal communication, but I always regret the things I do more than staying. And now I feel so choked up. I can’t take another break up. I don’t know how to cope. I have done so much therapy but nothing helps me because outside of him, I lean very heavy DA and the only way to learn attachment is to sit with it.

Part of this is venting because I can’t tell anyone. I feel so upset, but I don’t want to keep everyone hearing about the same man who I haven’t been able to figure it out with for 2 years. I know I need to kill it at the same time; but it’s so hard because it’s a mix of all the habits that include him. We have off and on direct communication, but we have indirect check-ins (very long weird thing that I know is embarrassing) literally every 30 minutes, every day, for months. So it’s killing this awful habit while also trying to get rid of a long attachment, and imagining that he’s upset because I know that he loses control too when I disappear.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like I need a hug, and my mom, except not actually MY mom.