Stuck in a cycle that only reinforces my attachment style
I (24f) have been single for the past 2 years, no dating/no situationships or anything of the sort. In this time, I’ve had about three instances of really liking people romantically. I’ve not been actively looking for a relationship, so these have happened gradually with people I know and get on really well with. I then finally admit to myself I like them, and allow myself to entertain the possibility it could work. This is fun and exciting for about a week, maybe a month max, and then suddenly something happens that throws me back into avoidant overdrive. A few years ago, this would’ve been a fear of intimacy and vulnerability, but it’s a lot different now.
For example, last night I found out the current/third person this has happened with is seeing someone, and that they also rearranged plans we had as a group that I am now not invited to (but unsure if this is me assuming I wasn’t invited). I thought they at least liked me as a person, and I saw us as getting on really well, but now I’m worried they find me annoying and am realising they rarely reply to my messages. I just feel stupid, everyone in our group seemed to think they were into me as well, and I just feel like I got my hopes up and have actually been annoying this person for weeks and mistaking it as chemistry. I have a deep fear of being romantically unlovable - I cringe when people do show interest because I ‘know’ they won’t like me when they get to know me (which has sadly been a consistent outcome). I have a lot of long-term friends who know me well and love me and speak of me highly, but I always say that men especially do not view me romantically even if they like me as a friend. I really don’t want to believe this is true as I know I wouldn’t think it about anyone else, but I can’t help but notice this pattern of really gelling with people to then find they just don’t see me ‘that way’.
I try to find logic in why this keeps happening but the more it happens the more I’m convinced it’s some ‘sign’ it’s just not meant for me, and that I need to put this energy into fostering my friendships and giving up on ever being in a loving relationship. I’m aware I’ve displayed/‘hinted at’ avoidant behaviours to these people out of fear of getting too close/losing control early on. Is this really what’s fucking me over? I just wish I could know what’s going on in people’s heads before I put myself in a position of vulnerability, but equally people being too forward from the off unsettles me as well 🤦
Can anyone relate to this? Or offer any logical explanation for these patterns that isn’t just I should give up? I don’t even know how it ties into my attachment style in a way I can work on when I feel like this only happens when I let the avoidant behaviour slip.