u/VoraciousCynic

I'm FA but consider myself earned secure, and I'm trying hard not to fall back into my old pattern of walking away whenever a relationship becomes uncomfortable.

I'm struggling with a dynamic in my relationship and would really like to hear from people who've experienced something similar, particularly other FA/earned-secure people.

I'm actually quite open with my emotions. I've always understood that healthy relationships involve being able to say when you're stressed, frustrated, upset etc. I don't expect myself to pretend everything is fine, and expressing those feelings to my partner is something I thought I was supposed to be doing.

The problem is that my partner seems to become uncomfortable when I'm in a negative mood, even when it has absolutely nothing to do with him.

For example, I can be stressed about work or family and he may become uncomfortable, take it personally, or feel that he needs to do something about my mood. I've never asked him to fix my emotions. In fact, I absolutely hate being "fixed" or feeling like I'm expected to mask my mood to make someone else comfortable.

One example really stuck with me. Early in our relationship I was rushing around doing something, mildly stressed but not taking it out on anyone, and asked him to do something while handing him a tea towel. His hands started fumbling and I remember thinking, "Oh no, he can't tolerate me being stressed."

Another time, I told him I had dinner ready and couldn't wait to welcome him home while he was travelling back from France. He replied:

"When I finally get in I'll have to swap gear over to my car before I can give you a proper hug. Just so you know I'm not ignoring you."

When I asked why he'd said that because it didn't really fit the conversation, he eventually explained that he didn't want to walk in to a 'moody face' (?!)

More recently I've been under huge stress because of a family crisis. I was expressing how overwhelmed and frustrated I was, and he pointed out that I hadn't thanked him for making me a sandwich. I became completely overwhelmed and had a panic attack. He apologised afterwards and reassured me that I don't have to be perfect or happy all the time.

He's also said that he sometimes feels he needs to "manage my moods".

The difficulty is that I don't want him to manage them. I'm capable of regulating myself. I want to be able to say:

"I'm having a shit day."

without that becoming something he needs to fix, take personally or turn into a relationship issue.

I can feel myself starting to monitor my own emotions because I'm anticipating his reaction, and that is exactly what I don't want to do.

I'm also aware that I'm FA and have a history of wanting to walk away when relationships feel unsafe. So I'm genuinely trying to work out whether I'm experiencing an attachment trigger or whether this is something I should take seriously.

What I'm asking other FA/earned-secure people:

How do you stay secure when your partner becomes uncomfortable with your emotions?

How do you:

allow yourself to have a bad mood without feeling responsible for their discomfort?

distinguish between "I'm behaving badly" and "my partner is uncomfortable because I'm simply having an emotion"?

avoid becoming hypervigilant about your tone/mood/face?

communicate "I'm stressed, but you don't need to fix me" without then having to reassure them?

remain emotionally detached enough to let them manage their own reaction?

And, honestly, does this become lonely over time?

I'm not asking whether my partner will change or asking people to diagnose him. I'm trying to learn how I can respond securely without either suppressing myself or immediately deciding I need to leave.

I'd really appreciate experiences from people who've actually lived this.