What I’ve learned reconnecting with my ex
The Gut Feeling vs. Deactivation
For a lot of (FAs), we’ve been taught not to trust our "gut" because we so often mistake being triggered for how we truly feel. This makes it excruciatingly hard to discern when a relationship simply isn't a right fit versus when we're just running away.
What I’ve come to understand is that being triggered and having a true gut feeling are not mutually exclusive. If you ignore your subtle, quiet feelings along the way, deactivation is the inevitable downstream consequence.
In these final moments with my ex, I could see what was wrong and what needed to change. But knowing what's broken doesn't mean you have the capacity to endure and rebuild until it's fixed. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that theoretically it could work, my body was telling me something else.
The Mechanics of the Anxious-Avoidant Clash
I finally saw how I was actively fueling our dynamic. During our "reconnection" phase, I insisted on autonomy (even though I didn't fully understand why I needed it so desperately yet). To make the situation feel safe for myself, I created specific conditions: seeing other people, taking it slow, and keeping my distance.
Ironically, the moment I felt the safest was the exact moment my ex felt the most triggered. I had manufactured a low-stakes, ambiguous situation-ship to protect myself. But I wasn't operating from a place of security. I was operating from a coping mechanism. Your coping mechanisms will often be what is most triggering to an anxiously attached partner, because your strategy for safety (distance) is in direct opposition to theirs (closeness).
I realized if I gave up my coping mechanisms for their comfort (cutting off others, over-communicating), I would inevitably deactivate. I had no choice but to hold my line. The fear of getting in too deep and misleading them finally outweighed the guilt of hurting their feelings.
Codependent Caretaking
Even so, letting them be responsible for their own emotions was very painful for me. Throughout our relationship, whenever they protested a boundary, my automatic reflex was to self-sacrifice, soothe them, and manage their panic.
Outwardly, this self-sacrifice can look like devotion or love. In reality, I was building my own cage to be trapped in. By prioritizing their own emotional comfort over my own boundaries, I built a relationship where I was guaranteed to feel trapped. I was so accustomed to caretaking that having normal, healthy boundaries made me feel like I was going crazy. Deep down I was carrying the exhausting belief that I was solely responsible for their emotional regulation.
Why We Hide in Casual Dynamics
This explains why I leaned into situationships, casual setups, or opted out of dating entirely. If being close to someone automatically triggers a reflex to abandon yourself, intimacy feels like a trap. Low-stakes relationships were the only place I felt safe from total self-erasure.
Avoidance was how I protected myself. But protection isn't growth. You can't learn how to hold boundaries in isolation. you can only learn it in the arena of real relationships with real people.
The Repetition Compulsion
I was shown in my formative years that to be loved and stay close, I must sacrifice who I am.
My subconscious has been re-enacting this exact dynamic of seeking out high-stress situations to prove to myself that if I just sacrifice enough, I can finally earn a safe outcome. I no longer need to jump into the cage to prove I know how to get out.