u/TransportationThen90

I definitely had my insecurities but I always felt I was overall a pretty confident person, and I could feel like I was cool in my own ways.

After a 5 year on/off relationship with a DA, I feel like I’ve lost all sense of myself/stability in the chasing, begging, understanding and dismissiveness. Now I feel like I view myself as this lower person who couldn’t fulfill my ex and tend to compare myself to most people who I feel they may have liked more, since a lot of times they would give time and attention to many people but me.

Can anyone else relate and share how their self esteem was impacted, and did it get better?

Hi all. I just recently learned about this term, and I’m starting to realize this was what was happening to me and I felt like I was losing my mind.

I pride myself on respecting boundaries and would never make up a relationship that wasn’t there. From my memory, my ex would pull me in somehow after no contact, we’d get back in touch even though I was cautious and said I didn’t think it would work, then later when things really would go left they would say things like I shouldn’t have expectations of friends, and that I’m expecting them to act like a partner when they’re not. But the whole time they wanted me to be with them while they “worked through some things” so we can work on a relationship?

I don’t know, I’ve been overwhelmed lately trying to wrap my head around it all and appreciate any insight even if it’s that I really am pushing boundaries.

I don’t know if I phrased that correctly, but I feel like FAs/APs are always scrutinized for the obviously unhealthy things we do like wanting excessive reassurance or getting anxious if DAs don’t want to resolve conflict.

So lately I’ve been on a journey of making a list of unhealthy things my DA ex did that hurt me/triggered me. Because they weren’t someone that would yell, be demeaning, or controlling, I sometimes am much harder on myself for times I’ve become jealous and tend to monitor when there’s lack of security/reassurance, or become irritated because my ex would not respond to texts for days between us seeing each other.

I’m still not 100% clear of everything unhealthy that they did but I was always triggered with them, and I’m hoping I can get out of the loop of “was I the toxic one?”

Could y’all drop some things your avoidant ex did that weren’t obviously toxic, but definitely still unhealthy? These have to be avoidant related, like not resolving conflict, commitment, invalidating, or push/pull stuff, not things that toxic people do like flirting with your best friend or stealing your car etc if that makes sense.

Thank you!!

This is something that has me very confused.

Recently, my ex reached out to apologize and “check on me”. From the past cycles, I know the very innocent seeming “how is school” and “how’s your new project” are not innocent, but I really care about this person so it’s hard to ignore them.

This time, we actually talked some things out and they seemed to take accountability. I even set a boundary early on that we should continue to remain platonic. Then they let me know that they still had feelings for me, they think about me and still want me. I reciprocated, thinking it was just us being vulnerable and this got my hopes up to reconcile.

Immediately after I returned the feelings, they quickly said that they’re glad we reconnected but they still don’t have the capacity to provide a relationship. And I just sat there stunned…. Because why did you tell me all about your feelings in the first place?!?

They have a habit of keeping labels very clean so they don’t have to be accountable. It all seems normal/logical that someone is just being honest about their capacity but like huh?

Trying to figure out if I’m wrong for this, but I really dislike when someone is overly flirty when we first meet, especially in online dating.

I feel the strongest feelings when I’m able to get to know someone’s interests/likes/dislikes and have some light flirty banter, but I feel so put off when someone goes all in on compliments and blushy emojis without even getting to know me. Even after a first date, I like to flirt a bit more but still want to keep the friendly getting-to-know-you going.

I just feel guilty because I guess that’s what dating is? You have to flirt. I don’t know if I’ve been too harsh on people because I know I can also swing anxious when someone is hard to read/not as flirty. I feel like a complicated mess sometimes :(

I recently started posting here, it’s been so nice to have a community in this :)

I want to know if anyone else experienced this. My ex and I would reconnect, they would say all these hopeful things/pull me in or just emotionally be intimate in general, I would reciprocate and they would tell me I was “getting ahead of myself” or that we needed boundaries. When I’d get upset, they would say they don’t know why I got hopeful at all.

I never knew where to start and end with hope, and even basic human emotions were questioned. Who wouldn’t be hopeful when their ex comes back to tell them they still think of them and feel the same way?

Edit: it’s difficult for me to separate their avoidance with real relationship stuff. They have always told me they can’t commit or offer me a true relationship because of “life”. So sometimes it sounds so reasonable to push back on me when I get to a point they’re not ready for.

Do avoidants minimize the meaning of your relationship? Like if you’ve obviously been involved romantically, when you have conflict or bring up expectations they say it’s just been a friendship? Or saying you have more feelings than they do when they clearly care and show feelings for you? They want you to just be around as a friend but that entails emotional conversations, hours hanging out etc? And when you try to leave, they start pouring out feelings and ask to work things out? But what are we working out if we’re friends????

It makes me feel insane.

I’ve been really trying to figure this situation out, but I’m so tired of feeling like everything is my fault for expecting, for needing, for thinking.

I won’t go into all the details, but this is a DA I’ve been on/off with for a few years. I finally was able to end the cycle 2 years ago, and had a ton of clarity but I really thought of them often. I always hoped we’d be able to figure it out.

They would reach out every few months, but either I wouldn’t respond or we would get back in the same cycle when needs would come up - either spending time, communicating, vulnerability.

This person was also very anti-commitment but wanted something in the future, so I was meant to wait in the grey area until they “figured it out” but also have 0 expectations. I also can’t truly tell if this is a DA thing, because they blame most of our issues on them being way too busy with life, career focused, and not relationship oriented.

I’m ashamed to admit, but I let them back in recently. Thankfully I have clarity, but I just don’t get this behavior.

We had a nice time together recently at their request, but still under the label of “friends” as they are still not in a place to commit. We texted briefly afterwards, until poof - disappearing act. All I did was ask how their day was going and 24 hours no reply.

This was a constant issue with us, so I’d thought now we’ve come back after some time and even had some deep conversations to heal the past. They let me know how significant I was and how guilty they felt, and how their life was very difficult so they can’t be in a relationship. So I got mad, I asked again how difficult it can be to reply to how your day was, and it all went back to how I expect too much out of a “friendship” and they’re exhausted of it, they got busy and can’t always be on their phone.

This seems pretty reasonable, nobody should be texting all day but seriously? A whole day? When we first met, we’d text through the day and call most nights until it all started slowing down.

They also randomly dropped on me that I’d just simply had stronger feelings for them throughout, and I was wanting to do more for our relationship which is why I got hurt. Not their actions, not anything they did, but I suddenly had very deep feelings. Then when I was upset about this, they didn’t want to continue the conversation as if I was just exhausting them, and I went back to the cycle of chasing them to talk. They kept saying they have very strong feelings, but mine are stronger. This person cares very deeply about me, I’ve seen it, so how does this make any sense?

I know the solution is to walk away which I definitely am. But can someone please explain this to me? I feel like I’m going crazy again.