r/DialAvoidantBreakups

So my ex recently has been doing some weird stuff. Mind you he was very avoidant, this has been a year no contact, it ended with him being “confused” blah.

I’ve been noticing strange behavior lately, such as random accounts (that are him because I can tell by phone number) or his sister or a friend of his sending me a request on Instagram (mind you never got to meet them), me going to an activity at church (we have friends in common) and him assisting the next classes when he was the most lukewarm person ever, whenever I say something there he immediately speaks up too and tries to contradict what I said, going to a supermarket close to home and being on places he knows I’m going to bump him into when he lives far away, stuff like that.

Is this common in avoidants? What’s the goal or am I imagining stuff?

And did that same reason end up repelling them later?

She is the worst human being I have ever met . She is extremely selfish , argogant , not an iota of empathy for anyone but herself . We got into a relationship and since then it was a down fall of my mental health . Everyday something new was coming out , how she was fucking her cousins , not one , two , but three , how she was fucking married men , not one , two , 3 ...when I told her I have never cheated anyone in my life how I have treated everyone in my life she replied do you want a nobel prize for that , still on her week moment she cried and asked me never to leave her and I gave her my 100 percent still the moment she found someone else she dumped my ass and blocked me everywhere like I am some trash and when I tried to reach out she said fuck off and I am very toxic ...now I am the toxic

Hello all. My situationship (31 M) and I (29 F) ended things last night after 1 year and 4 months. We started in May of 2025. Our situation was set up to fail from the beginning. It initially started as we were in the same mutual friend group since high school. I truly never paid him any mind as I knew he was getting around and that’s what he was known for. During his time before me he was in 3 serious relationships that he said absolutely broke him to the point of not being able to “turn the switch on” for me as far as emotional availability goes. Before him I was in a 7 year, mentally, physically, and emotionally abusive relationship with one of his close friends. The fact that my ex was a close friend of his started us off on a rocky path. We initially agreed it was to be casual and secretive so that my ex and our friend group wouldn’t know. We had fun for several months until we both admitted that we had feelings for each other.

After this, things became more regular and we started to see each other weekly and talk almost daily. Mind you, he lives an hour away, but he lives alone, while I have roommates so I would travel to him all of the time. He had been to my house maybe a handful of times during our time together. He has always been so kind to me in very puppy dog ways with making breakfast, cuddling, sex, etc. but he wouldn’t prompt texts, hang outs, or events, we just hung out at his house for the most part. He would prompt things he enjoyed like camping or traveling to go see cars, and I’d join just to spend time with him. I was not okay with this, but I accepted it because I wanted to be with him and around him. We opened up about deep stuff together. We were emotionally vulnerable several times. Physically, it was great.

Some things happened after this point that I’d like to note: One time after sex, he had bumble pulled up within 5 minutes as we were still laying naked. He was still in communication with his ex, and helped her buy a house (he is a realtor). I saw that he had 74 notifications from hinge on his work phone. He had gone on two dates (that I know of) with women off of apps and had sex with at least one of them while we were together and agreed to be sexually exclusive. I found out about this months later when he slipped up and said it during a convo. He wouldn’t allow me to post pictures even just of his dog or his car, or tell anyone that we were together. He claimed he told his mom and his brother, not sure if this is true. He wouldn’t participate in hang outs with my friends when I’d invite him. He admitted to having a porn, sex, and weed addiction. He’d try to work through them, but would give up a lot. I encouraged him. It meant nothing to him. He had a bag of someone’s toiletries under the sink for the first several months, I begged him to throw them away.

For months it was back and forth between us. Me asking for more, him saying he was trying. In April 2026 things changed and I could feel him giving me more, and I welcomed it. It felt good. Then again, in April 2026, things changed. He received a diagnosis pertaining to partial blindness in one of his eyes and his dog got diagnosed with cancer. He pulled back drastically. I begged him to let me help and let me in. Little by little he would let me, but never fully. Instead he leaned on people like his friends and the ex he sold a house to, and another friend that was a girl. He kept me at arms length as I continued to beg him to allow me to be there for him. He allowed me when he could. I was distraught and constantly picking fights about wanting more, wanting to help him, wanting to be together, etc. he would say he wanted the same things, he couldn’t right now, but soon and that was his goal. After April it spiraled downwards with a very very slow burn. My birthday in May, all of our friends were around, he didn’t want people to know that we were seeing each other. No PDA. My friends knew, his friends suspected but to this day, it’s never been made public.

After May, we continued seeing each other and having fun. When it was good, god it was so good. And when it was bad, it was miserable. Him and I both struggled with our mental health seeking help through different avenues. He began therapy in June after a trip with his family turned into a physical fight between him, his brother, and his mom. Just about 2 weeks ago he began attending a sex and love addict group. Last night, he came over after that group and told me that he couldn’t continue to heal while being in this with me because it was not fair to me that he couldn’t open up emotionally, commit to me, or keep telling me that it might happen eventually. We were both sobbing uncontrollably, he was shaking and sobbing, I comforted him. He said I was the most selfless person he’s ever met and he’s so sorry he took advantage of it. He said someone in his group called him out for treating me this way, and stringing me along. I never saw it that way, I just saw myself being patient and kind because it was something I wanted and something I wanted to see through with him.

I felt blind sided because I had no say and no chance to speak my feelings before he just decided. He spent 3 hours with me as we just cried together in each others arms. We both said I love you for the first time. I asked him to stop sharing his location with me. He did. And then he left. And that was that. I am so hurt by the abruptness of it. I feel dumb, because I stayed through such disrespectful time with him. I would let him know I was feeling disrespected and he would try and be better for a short time but never long term. I only have a handful of friends I can talk to about this because no one truly knew about us. This hurts more than my 7 year relationship. I can’t stop crying, and I can’t stop thinking about him. He said we could talk about it next week. I don’t think I should, but I so badly want to. I am so hurt. I deserve a true love. Not this fake situationship stuff that the world has turned to. I have been alone for so long, I just want to have someone in my corner. I thought this was it. We talked about marriage and kids. Buying a house together. Owning land. All the fluffy stuff. I so badly wanted it to be really. He left me with saying this isn’t a good bye, just a see you later. Those words hurt me so much to hear leaving me with hope and anticipatory anxiety. I am so hurt.

my ex and i broke up after about 3 months, starting in april, ending in july. He definitely seemed a little more into me at first than down the line, but I wouldn’t call it love bombing or anything-he was always a bit reserved. At the beginning though, he brought me a bottle of wine and packed a picnic for us in the park. He told me he was “smitten” with me, and definitely texted me more regularly. As time went on, he was still very much active and present when we hung out, but he did begin to text a little less consistently. He mentioned multiple times that he felt really depressed from his new job.

Oddly, I noticed that he wouldn’t let me meet his family, even though he lives with some of them. When I mentioned being upset about that, he was apologetic and told me he just had a “hang up” there, and to please be patient with him. He said part of it was that he’d never brought a girl home before, because he’d never really been in a serious relationship. (Red flag for some I know.) I told him that was okay for now, and I understood being anxious. but that at the three month mark, I wanted to meet them. He said okay. I also noticed that he had a hard time giving words of affirmation, and in fact, his humor could be a little mean. Nothing terrible, but it hurt my feelings, and I told him so. He apologized and explained that being mean is commonly how he shows affection with his friends and brothers (He didn’t use it as an excuse, just a reason.) He also brought up that he was a little unfamiliar with how to act in relationships, like he’d said before. I did see him trying to do better after the fact, and we came up with a way to express affection non verbally. (double hand squeeze means 💗.)

He also showed a lot of affection through acts of service. Getting me things, anticipating my needs, driving me places, etc. However, he still was not being consistent with his text/calling communication, sometimes letting me go a few days with no response and then apologizing because he “had been in a funk.” One time after one of these spells, I tried to act like I wasn’t upset, but he noticed I was sad, pulled the car over, and initiated a conversation about it, so I don’t think he’s always necessarily conflict averse.

The week before he broke up with me, we went out of town together for a weekend, which was really nice. When we got back, I didn’t hear from him for multiple days, but then he did a very sweet romantic gesture for me. Then, no word for three days again. When he finally called, I was mad. He apologized and told me he hadn’t been feeling good again. We met in person to talk, and told me that he thinks he’s struggling with depression for the first time in his life and that he’s not sure what to do about it, but that all of his friends have been telling him he’s not in a good place. This does make sense with how he’d been acting and what he’d been saying about his job. I told him it was okay, that I understood depression and wanted to help, but he told me he didn’t feel like he was able to pull his weight in the relationship and didn’t want to keep letting me down, no matter how much he tried not to. I asked him how he felt about breaking up with me, and he didn’t have any words other than “sad,” so I showed him the Emotion Wheel, (lol.) He laughed and it seemed to help him express himself a little. He named “relief” as a small emotion, but said mainly it was sadness, guilt, and regret. He mentioned that he wanted to get professional help because he could see his depression was affecting his relationships with other people as well. I asked him if he was avoidant, and he said that his friends (male friends btw) had told him he was, and wanted him to work on it. I was pretty upset, but we still parted on overall good terms. We both cried. I told him that if he was ever feeling better, he was welcome to reach out, but I wasn’t going to wait for him. He said okay. He also said I was welcome to reach out if I needed him.

I didn’t plan to take him up on that, but the breakup hit me harder than I expected, so I reached out a few days later asking him to call. He didn’t respond. A week after that, he called me, but I didn’t have my phone on me, so I missed it and called him right back. He didn’t pick up. A few months ago, I texted him that I was thinking about him. No response. Functionally, we haven’t spoken since the day we broke up. He doesn’t have any social media. I am really struggling with the breakup because I have never had a breakup where the day it happened was also the last day I spoke to the ex. Definitely feels shocking and abandoning.

I’m not asking what I should do, if I should get back together with him or anything like that. I’m just trying to figure out…is this a dismissive avoidant discard? (from the information provided, obviously there’s no way to know for sure)

I’m 24M, bisexual and I dated a guy for five months. Things were genuinely good, we fell in love, and I believed we had something worth fighting for. this is the first time I fell in love in a genuinely with my whole heart Loved this guy
Eventually, things got complicated, and he walked away.
There was no cheating involved, but he has accused me of cheating, manipulation, and other things that I don’t believe reflect what actually happened. I’m not saying I never made mistakes, but my intentions were always to save the relationship, not hurt him. I genuinely believe our issues were solvable, but he refuses to see things from my perspective.
After the breakup, I spent almost three months chasing him, explaining myself, begging him to understand, and trying to make things work. After one month of breakup he felt like coming back again, We even attempted reconciliation, but he gave up after four days, saying he couldn’t do it anymore, and i was like when he wanted to he came back but when I wanted to he detached himself totally. Since then, he has made it clear that he doesn’t love me, doesn’t want to be with me, and never wants to see my face again. He has moved on with his life, is working, and is moving cities. He hasn’t reached out once in these three months. Every attempt at contact came from me.

I begged, cried, and humiliated myself in ways I never thought I would. I was disrespected, kicked out of his house, and made to question my character, morals, friendships, principles, and self-worth, had zero self respect left. Yet, even after everything, I was still willing to accept him back.
I’m currently in therapy and have been taking antidepressants for about a month, but I feel mentally stuck. My mind has become a battlefield. One part of me tries to defend myself, while the other keeps defending him and justifying his actions. I find myself excusing the disrespect because maybe he was hurt, insecure, or struggling too. Even my friends and therapist have pointed out things that weren’t okay, but I still find myself taking his side.
It’s almost as if I’ve internalized his version of events so deeply that I can’t distinguish between taking accountability for my mistakes and believing I deserved everything that happened to me. Logically, I know my mistakes weren’t unforgivable, but emotionally, I keep questioning what else I could have done to make him stay.
And the worst part? \\\\\\\*\\\\\\\*I STILL HOPE HE COMES BACK.\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\*
I know he has moved on. I know he doesn’t want anything to do with me. Yet, a tiny part of me keeps holding on. Somehow, letting go of that hope feels like losing the last remaining piece of the relationship.
My mind constantly replays our memories, conversations, and everything we shared. When I’m not consciously thinking about him, my brain brings him back into my thoughts, almost as if it’s checking whether I’m still hurting. And if I happen to have a relatively good day, I start questioning myself. Why am I not sad? Why am I not grieving? Shouldn’t I still be hurting? Sometimes, I feel like I’ve become so accustomed to misery that being okay almost feels wrong.
I made him my entire world. His family became my family, his friends became my friends, and my life revolved around him. Now that he’s gone, everything feels connected to him, even places and things I enjoyed long before I met him. He has moved forward, while I feel like I’m standing in the same place, trying to understand what happened.
Another thing I'm struggling with is the thought of him being with someone else, doing the things we used to do together, sharing the intimacy and memories we once had. Just imagining him giving someone else the love and affection I kept begging him for makes me physically sick. Sometimes, the thoughts become so overwhelming that I don't know how to cope with them. I know I can't control what he does anymore, but emotionally, the thought of being replaced feels unbearable.

I’m studying right now and don’t have a job, so I’m already dealing with uncertainty about my future. All of this has left me with so much self-loathing, self-doubt, and self-hatred that I barely recognize myself anymore.
I keep asking myself why he gave up on me. Was I not enough? Was I really so worthless that he could walk away? Why wasn’t he willing to fight for us the way I was willing to fight for him?
Therapy and medication haven’t made me feel significantly better yet, and I’m honestly terrified that I’ll remain stuck here forever. I don’t know how to rebuild my identity, stop blaming myself, or let go of someone who has clearly let go of me.

\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\*For those who’ve experienced something similar:\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\*
How do you stop internalizing your ex’s version of events and constantly questioning yourself?
How do you stop defending someone who hurt you?
How do you let go of hope when a part of you still wants them back?
How do you rebuild your life after making someone your entire world?
Does this constant rumination, self-blame, and feeling of being stuck eventually get better?

its been a week of no contact now
for last 3 months i tried contacting him but got disrespect everytime I don’t want to spend my life trapped in a relationship that the other person has already moved on from.
I just want my life back. I want to feel like myself again, and I don’t know how to get there. Any advice or personal experiences would genuinely mean a lot.

sometimes I feel like maybe killing myself would be the only way out of this misery