r/DialAvoidantBreakups

He keeps framing it as protecting me but hw doesn't listen to my actual needs. Hes trying extremely hard to change. He said he wants to give me the best he can but can only manage a few conversations. He says his biggest fear is disappointing me and his biggest dream is locked behind his inability to be in a relationship. Is he just using me as a stepping stone? Do i mean nothing to him. Is he ever gonna come back healed or am i just going to be something he uses and throws away. He keeps saying things like "we get along so well, im scarednof ruining it" or "youre so caring and amazing i feel like i dont deserve it"

Is he actually in therapy ir just lying to me.

Im gonna make an "Avoidant Bingo" card.

Tell me what you think deserves a square!

Here are some of mine:

Long Distance Relationship/LDR

"My ex is crazy"

Marathon runner/Hiking enthusiast

Owns a motorcycle 🏍

I feel like he doesnt really care about me, like im not valuable. Constantly tells me hes awful and i deserve better even tho i tell him Constantly i like him i told him id probably never date again as its just not something i want anymore unless its him. I can really change how i feel no matter how much therapy i try. Does he genuinely hate me? Am i worthless to him?

Furthermore, i got him therapy but he almost immediately dropped me during the first 3 months. Will healing make him hate me or just throw me away? Why am i not important to him. Ive done nothing but support and love him. i got him therapy, i made him heal and his response is to throw me away?

Nothing, just that. Been on dates. It’s been almost a year my ex and I broke up, the whole story is in my post history.

Can’t fully connect with anyone. I carry this ghost loyalty to my ex who was trash towards me. I can’t let go of the memories and the injustice, the unsaid words. I can’t spend a day not thinking about them and how unfair it is that he hasn’t faced any kind of karma. And trying to “make him understand what he did” is like talking to a wall, a circular conversation that goes anywhere because he rarely admits fault to anything basically.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about him on the gym, with friends, doing whatever. My head cannot reconcile that the person who was so loving, affectionate, adoring was also the cold asshole who cut me off coldly and went for new women super fast.

At the same time I cannot date without this skepticism or just end up cancelling the date altogether even if they are awesome, it’s like I have 0 interest on them even if in another moment of my life things would have been different.

I fear never being able to move on. It’s been a year, and a part of me is still waiting for something from him that may never arrive.

We broke up first time in September 2024, i thought it was permanent and never reached out. I NEVER chase. He came back may 2025 and we immediately started talking and then flirting then we started talking about therapy. He said he always feels this pressure and was unsure why and didnt really explain well. He said he never lost feelings and couldnt really feel anything else for anyone. In june he started freaking out but instead of going FULL no contact he actually encouraged me to get therapy myself (i have mental disorders that were unchecked and i can be stubborn) he said he was worried and that he wants to be with me but doesnt want me to destroy myself in the process.

He actually did end up taking therapy super seriously. I was the one who got him it in the first place and he really did follow through. He told me his therapist encouraged a small break and occasional check ins. He checked in later saying his therapist gave a go ahead to talk to me. He came back in September 2025. Things were ok i guess but he was definitely doing a bit better. He was doing cbt and whenever he comes back in contact with me hes such a chatter box, telling me everything and anything about his life and his new hobbies and shows me his recent lego sets and shit. He was alot better at naming his patterns, and seemed a bit more mature in that front. He had better communication and shit. He always asks me so many questions about my life too, the first one is always "have you beend dating..?" Even though ive said so many times im not interested in doing that. He has a habit of saying "i want you to find someone better and perfect for you" when he dips. It pisses me off to no end. If thats the case, why does he ask me if im dating? Why do you care? Is this some sick game? Does he want me to date others?

He only lasted until october 2025 before he told me his therapist said to him that she thinks he isnt ready to fully commit to a relationship and he was too brash and he said and i quote

"idk we were talking about stuff again and whether or not it's healthy to try and keep something between us if i'm not ready

especially with apparently a lot of signs of not being ready

so idk if it's the best thing to keep talking unfortunately

cus I gotta make sure that it's not hindering any growth or like making set backs"

So im a hinderance? Great. Thanks. I lost it on him. Ive never been pissed at him to this degree. I told him he was giving up on me, abandoning me, and didnt give a shit about me. He said "im not giving up on you im just making myself a priority for once" for ONCE? all ive ever done was care for him. He doesnt give a shit about me and doesnt care about my mental. He was the one who always came back, he admitted to stalking my socials, he calls me his goddess he admits to constantly dreaming and thinking of me. He constantly tells me he misses me and adores me. Yeah right. Sure. I went off on him, told him he doesnt give a fuck about me, gave up on me and is lazy and that i was too mad to even look at his face or username. I unadded him

He has a fuckass playlist called "i want to" on his spotify with songs like "i was all over her" "limerence" and other songs about girls. Im the only girl hes ever dated.

5 months later, i actually reach out by accident. I was going thru alot and ended up stalking his page and accidentally hit the follow button but immediately unfollowed. This mf IMMEDIATELY follows me back and messages me asking if im ok. I say yeah. He says ok i wish you the best. It pissed me off for some reason and i told him "wow you really hate me huh" and he said no i love talking to you.

Me being really fucking dumb from being depressed from school (im in college and its stressful as hell)

I chatted. Heres some quotes from that convo

"We get along so well, but thats whats makes me scared to mess things up"

"whatever youre feeling its not childish.

could you tell me more about what exactly you thought didnt matter"

"no not at all

but its hard i guess i understand you, like obviously not talking is hard too

but i also just didnt want to stick by just for the bits i enjoyed that i felt i didnt deserve

like idk sometimes i wish i could be in a relationship so i could be [sexual thing that we're both into] my biggest fantasy is locked behind my inability to be in a relationship"

"ughguhehugh

idk what to do [my name] i feel like the hardest thing is knowing that we both cant get what we want smh i need isolation and independance with not even the inkling of an idea of being in a relationship"

Me: so being with me makes you unhappy

Him: thats a black and white way of thinking, no thats not true

"tbf you showed me that i could at least

be attracted to someone

im happy with the impact you made on my life"

Me:do i really remind you of bad things?

"hmm no idk, just know that it's not YOU that causes me to feel anxiety and stress it's never been you

or anything to do with you

it's me and my inability to handle something between us

and idk I feel bad idk what to do"

"no its good to spill

if it will help you talk then talking is always good

but idk, i also wouldnt want you to feel like i just see you as my pleasure like pleasure inpout output

idk

i loved the idea that you liked me so much you wanted to get [insert personal thing]"

"[My name] i dont think you understand that for me when you say the rest of my life, to me my brain just thinks maybe 5 years

so like sure yes forever

like i do not expect to live long ok"

"i dont know how to navigate this situation properly, because i want you to have the best i can give you, but i cannot give you more than a couple conversations because i am just not like able to handle anything that includes any kind of pressure that my brain could create"

[I was in a manic state atp due to my bipolar and started begging essentially for him to come back]

i mean id love that, but i dont want our only link to be sexual stuff

I wanna let you have the freedom to explore the people of the world idk i know you dont want that now but idk

you can live however you want

What kind of stuff would you even do? like [personal stuff yall dont needa read]

[Personal stuff yall dont need to read]

but yk i dont want you to have to do that to try and keep in touch

i just dont think its gonna work

[Me] do you miss me when im gone

check on me or just idk

think of me

"yeah i mean if i didnt i wouldnt have added you back

i thought you wanted to talk and ofc i wouldnt pass up on that"

"My biggest fear is disappointing you, the thought drives me crazy"

"I have so many dreams about you"

Eventually i lost my shit bc he was pissing me off with telling me to find other people and he was confusing me cuz he suggested i try a specific something we both like that was low maintenance to solve our want to be connected and i guess me getting upset triggered him too and as he was becoming less talkative and said in the end "so you want me to stay and suffer?" I then went on some rant about how he clealry doesnt love or care about me and unadded him before he responded. That was 5 months ago. He thinks hes incapable of being in a relationship period. That its how he is as a person. Fucking bullshit.

He hasnt blocked me on anything ever. He clearly lies about liking me and probably doesnt even think about me. He probably doesnt even remember my name or care. He views me lesser than him. I know he does.

The actual relationship wasnt bad he was attentive and caring until one day he just dips. And then essentially blames it on me and tells me im just a heavy weight in his shoulder and i make him depressed.

I dont want any advice or "you deserve better" "find someone else" comments that wont help me. Im permanently done dating for a plethora of reasons. I just want ig validations on my suspicion on him returning cuz i feel crazy for thinking this is a pattern.

I have no hate or resentment towards my DA ex. I just need to understand to quiet my brain. Please let me know if I could pick your brain a little 🙏

This is too complicated to write it all with the limited mental capacity I have at the moment. I finally blocked the person I now call my ex because he has been dangling a carrot and then taking it away for months now. While I am dealing with breast cancer and my dog's passing. I admit that every time he's been hurt and breaks up with me or needs a break I freak out and beg him to not leave me, even though I know someone with a good heart and who is able to love others would not walk away during a time like this. Yes he helped me for about a month with dr appointments and my double mastectomy recovery which is why I'm so attached to him but also turned his back on me when I hit a wall and had a nervous breakdown from all the suffering I have been experiencing including not being able to sleep properly for 2 months. I have not had the chance to process having cancer and losing my dog because I've been hyper focused on winning him back. My nervous breakdown was a few days ago and he got scared, but held me for 2 days and told me everything would be ok maybe we could even look for a place to live together that could be our sanctuary. Then yesterday he left on a 3 week trip to see his family overseas and as soon as he left my place sent me a text that he can't make any promises as this has gotten too toxic. I begged him for hours via text. He said he needs space and I need to respect that. For the record he is British, 39 and has not been in a serious relationship his entire adult life, only once in college. I saw this as a red flag but he was so convinced of wanting me that I let him. Even though he said he needs a few days, I know what he's going to tell me if he ends up contacting me. He's going to discard me. So I decided to block him and deleted anything related to him. Probably doesn't make a difference because he doesn't want to talk but I had the urge and felt scared but good at the time. I also attended a SLAA meeting and chatted with people to stay in recovery but it's only been a few hours and this is so hard.

Am I making a mistake by blocking him if he said he needed some days? I did send a small care package to his family home which will arrive next week and I think he might say thank you. I'm scared I want to do the right thing and if I could I would admit myself to a hospital but I have to go to work. I cry before during and after work every day missing him. And knowing no one will want me as a 42 year old broke woman with deformed breasts is so heartbreaking. This is killing me.

On my side, our main issue is the lack of transparency and repeated injuries to trust by him.

On his end, he acknowledged he messed up and at times that I had a reason to react the way I did, but that he couldn't live under a microscope and I am controlling and that I don't ever believe anything he says regardless of what he says.

He doesn't seem to connect my reactions and how I act (because I realized I did become hyper vigilant, and I distrust most of his moves) to the lies and secrecy over everything he does (good or bad) and the patterns remaining the same without tangible proof of change.

Broken up for almost 2 months. Throughout the whole time he kept sending breadcrumbs, he tried being "friendly" since I have always been clear, and offered to just try to be friends but he kept the line blurry, like refusing to step in, but one foot out.

We talked after something happened with his cat, it felt like he missed me a lot. He wanted to be close at all times physically with hugs or little pats etc. He was avoidant but calm (didn't run away like prior times)
- I asked if he could be able to stop needing external validation and stop messaging tower people. He said I think so, and that he didn't know why he does that, that he doesn't think he could feel for more than me, so doesn't think he'd be different with someone else.
- I said what's next. He said let's start hanging out (which I hate for it to be referred to so I said "can you plan the date" he said yes.

This weekend, he continued very little communication, he said he was going to his friends (I know), but then went MIA (always at the same time on Saturdays) and then said he met a couple at work that invited him over to watch hone videos from burning man... meaning he knew what he was doing and maybe wasn't honest about it.

I forgot my cup and I wanted my cup back. So next day without being obvious I asked what time he was leaving for all the activities he mentioned wanted to do Sunday (church, run..) he got annoyed and started saying he was feeling pressured by me about our date. I said I just wanted to pick up my cup.

I picked up my cup. Did not blow up. Smiled and said thank you have fun. I realized that I was feeling like walking in landmines again. I said I didn't understand why he was blowing up and trying to start a fight.
- He said He said he felt like I was trying to catch him on something he wasn't and wouldn't do (which is more communication than I've ever had from him).
- I said he would look internally why that is — because my questions are bare minimum

Sunday when he went back home was very communicative. This morning making comments about "if we had a baby, it would be sassy" and a lot of "we" talk. And asking how my morning is.

I don't know how to bring up that he hasn't set a date for us. And what I want:
- I'm not okay with communicating with women who are not friends
- I'm not okay with open relationships of any kind
- and that I want a serious relationship to build. Not just "have fun and live life together"

It is so hard for me to read him and know if he really means it and it's just challenged, or he is playing me.

I just know bringing up the lack of planning is "pressure". And my boundaries will be accusing.

I honestly am starting to get the ick. But not really. My head is spinning.

Thank you for reading me.

These are up for debate as reader response matters, but these are the ones I have clocked as Avoidant.

1. Peter Pan. "The Selfish Avoidant"

The guy just wants to goof off and be a kid forever. He's also got an emotional harem: Wendy, Tiger Lilly, those psychotic mermaids who think trying to drown someone is no BFD.

2. Link from "The Legend of Zelda" "Scared Dismissive Avoidant "

Link is a workaholic who places duty above relationships. He travels around alot and doesn't stay in one place. He also has his own harem: Water princess girl (sorry forgot her name), Midna, wild woodland girl, Lon Lon ranch girl. He also explains in "Breath of The Wild" that he stopped talking because everyone expected him to be brave and strong.

3. Batman "Scared Dismissive Avoidant"

This one is pretty obvious IMO. Stoic, srcretive, and prone to going MIA. The traumatic loss of his parents at a young age gave him a core fear of abandonment.

He's a single billionaire bachelor with a crush on a criminal (cat woman). This infatuation seems odd given how obsessed with justice he is. I think they have a DA/FA dynamic. She excites apart of him that he tries to keep locked up. DAs, being dopamine deficient, are thrill seekers. This would explain why Bruce struggles with his civilian life. He gets bored of it and would rather fight crime than grease elbows with social elites.

I"ll end by saying having a relationship with an avoidant often did make me feel like Lois Lane or Mary Jane, ever accepting and making allowances for sudden drop offs and last minute cancelations...

Only my exes were not out protecting the city.

They were protecting their sense of comfort and safety.

Help me stop please

She emotionally abused me trauma bonded me to her treated me very poor and as reactive abuse i name called her for months and it was so toxic for both of us and then she gaslight me into thinking i was the abuser etc

In 2025 i ruined her birthday too and she never forgiven me for it but never took accountability how before her birthday for 20 days she mentally abused me in worst ways

Now tomorrow is her birthday even though one month ago she came to me and abused me verbally humiliated me said she'll find so so so so so better and im loser and im less of a Man etc

All of this still i think maybe i made her that way maybe she was dealing with family problems and i didn't understand her and name called her for months maybe she was really stuck in family problems when she would leave me without single update or heads up for 20 20 days and come back crying that mom toot her phone cuz she was strict

Please someone talk me out of it click some sense into me because im trauma bonded

Warning: This is going to be long, I will be giving a lot of context before sharing the controversial decision i make. I want views of people who are older than me and are more mature than me on this, this paragraphs will be emotionally charged as well. I am sorry if I sounded insensitive at times. I am going to share what I think, what my friends told me to do, and what I have decided to do. I will be referring to my ex as Ish in this

I just broke up with my fearful avoidant gf, on 4th Aug and she blocked me on 6th Aug. She had a very rough childhood and still has it rough at her home. I am not going to go in detail about it, but she's is a deeply traumatized individual who is scared of commitment, doesn't know how to deal with intimacy, and didn't choose to born in such a family and under such circumstances. She never had a father, her father left when she was born and the closest thing to her father figure her maternal grandfather died when she was very young. She has never seen and understood what a real family is like.

To me she's a really sweet girl. A kind, and amazing person who stands up for the people she considers important to her. A person who protects the close to her no matter what, a strong willed person. She is also my worst heart break, I have had 3 relationships till now and I am 18. And the first two were okayish, I was ready to leave them. But this one, I wanted this to work. This relationship I wanted it to work no matter the differences between us.

My female bsf was stalking Ish as she thought that her bf was cheating on her with Ish. In reality Ish had rejected my bsf's bf when he tried approaching her. That's when I had talked with Ish for the first time on call, as my female bsf had the genius idea of making a fake id on insta and act as a male to stalk Ish. And now we were supposed to talk on call. I decided to talk on call with her, and I am being honest I fell in love with her in that conversation with her. That call, was really fun. Her energy was just full of life and fun and she was soo talkative I just loved it. I pretended to be this fake guy for few days before revealing the truth against my bsf wishes. Ish wasn't happy at all, then we talked for few days as real people until I proposed to her on 20th September 2025. And we started dating.

We had our ups and downs, in the start I was naturally quite and a little distant, but her energy drew me in and I started opening upto her. By June 2026 Ish become my second home. It was like I had a home outside my real home, I loved spending time on video calls with her mother, and her neighbor kid whom she considered to be like a little brother to her. I loved talking with Aunty. Ish made me reconcile with my male bsf, whom I would have lost if it wasn't for Ish.

Ish made me wish my mother mother's day and made me gift her a handmade letter to her after years, she made me gift my mother on her btd as well. I had grown apart from my mother due to personal reasons. She made me reconcile with her.

Her avoidant attachment issues started appearing slowly since May and started becoming more clear by June and got really worse in July. I learned about her attachment issues in June. But I wasn't able to do much about it. She was breaking apart in the relationship and it was totally visible to me. I tried every way to help her but I failed. It was my own immaturity as well.

On July 20th we had our 10 month anniversary and talked about marriage that night, we talked for almost 3 hours. On 21st she asked for a breakup, it wasn't out of no where. It was building up, but she did ask for it. I somehow negotiated it down to a break(I know not an ideal thing to do). She broke up with me on 25th, then we got backtogether on 28th. She came back herself as she couldn't see me suffer. Then on 4th Aug after she had gone to college. She joined college this year. We were on video call and I was studying. She tried to tell me something but was hesitating so I asked her few time that what happened and then she finally told me what happened. That she doesn't feel anything, I understood what she meant. I tried to say how I don't expect any intimacy from her, then she said that 'Kabtak Rokoge mujhe?' [Translation: Till when will you stop me]. I knew that she was breaking apart in the relationship. So I broke up with her that day. We talked really nicely after that conversation, she was all nice and sweet with me. On 6th August I had scheduled a pickup of our 1 year anniversay gift which was supposed to be this 20th September. It was kitkats which she loves, a long letter, a hedwig harry potter keychain, a ring, a tulip bracelet and a dress which she wanted to buy but was too expensive for her.

I had paid and scheduled for the pickup before the break and she knew about it, I had told her about the gifts as well. But when she received the notification she wasn't happy at all about it, she said how 'she didn't ask me to do it'. I told her that just please receive it. I had to go to coaching so i didn't talk much and left the conversation. In the evening I decided to talk with her, she wasn't happy at all. On her social she was behaving as if the breakup didn't effect her, that hurt but understandable she just went to college and she's enjoying her life and avoidants feel a sense of relief after the breakup.

In the evening I went out and smoked a cigarette for the first time ever, idk myself why I did that but I think that i did that because Ish hates smoking and smokers. I won't do it again, I feel like if I do it again I will get addicted. I talked with her in the evening and she was in a bad mood and I told her how I smoked, I was just trying to tell her that please receive this gift. I had bought and packed it while thinking for her, before the breakup. It was scheduled and after this I won't even text or disturb her. We argued, and she blocked me. She talked about how it's the best for both of us, how she hopes that we can Reconnect in the future as friends. Some where after 21st July she had told me how she hoped that we could date again as our best selves, but this time she said as friends.

On 8th Aug I was in a depressed mood I was just calling her randomly, I knew that she had blocked me. I didn't expected for her to receive the notifications via truecaller and her to unblock me and pick up the call, we talked only for 3 minutes. She asked me to take care of myself, to eat properly, to not smoke etc. I told her how she has lost the right to say it anymore as she finished everything. I asked about how everything felt fine before the breakup, she replied how she knows how to fake. I asked how since when did she started to fake, since when did her ily's become fake. She didn't reply and she said that she is cutting the call. I said ya bye and cut the call myself. Her tone was harsh.

Since then I have not being in a good place. I have taken a drop year to study for next year's entrance examinations of my nation, for over a week I didn't went to the coaching or had a proper meal. Only day before yesterday I started going to the coaching and had a proper meal. The breakup hit me hard, and I cried a lot. I haven't personally cried this much in years. I used to cry but few tears. But this heart break have actually made me cry properly after years. It hit me hard.

I have fought with everyone over Ish, my friends and even Ish's friend whom i talk to. They all told me not to go back to Ish. My female bsf blocked me after listening to my controversial decision which I made today.

Ish was the same girl, who got to the depths of my heart which no one ever did. She is the same girl which made me feel like a child again, the same person with whom I forgot all of my insecurities. Ish is the same person I forgot fear for, the same person which made felt loved soo deeply I never felt loved that deeply. Ish is the same person who bought me minecraft, so that we could play together. Ish is the same person who apologised to me even when it wasn't her fault. Ish is the same person who bought the wallet which i am using right now and that wallet costs 500. For Ish that amount is a lot. The same person who bought me the bracelet which I am currently using. I know she loves me deeply. I am never going to give up on her just because others think that she abandoned me and that dating coaches think that I should move on and find another girl.

Ish's only family is her mother, other than her mother she has no real family. Her mother has cancer, and recently it got really worse. But now it's better, they are also selling their home to get money for treatment and to pay off debt and college fees for Ish. Even after all this she still choose to spend money on me knowing the fact that at month's end she will have to struggle for food. Her mother is a school teacher and earn merely about 30k, and trust me it's not a lot. I know this girl loves me dearly, no matter how much she lies about not loving me, she still cares deeply for me.

Ish didn't choose to be traumatised, to be born under such circumstances. It's not her fault, any person in her shoes would have attachment issues, would have commitment issues, would fear emotional intimacy.

On 14th and 15th August Ish using her fake account stalked my insta profile, I know that because I know about her fake account. I don't why she didn't try to hide it, but I know that she spent at least 30 minutes on my profile going through my reposts, reels which I posted since breakup, and my stories. They scream heartbreak and acceptance.

I know that Ish is lying about not really loving me as she has done this stuff before, to push me away. She has lied to push me away because she thinks that she cannot fit into my world. I am a much more family oriented traditional type of guy. And how she cannot fit into my world, she thinks that she's not the best person for me and tried to push me away, tried to hurt me by lying. But I always saw through those lies. Typical avoidant.

Today I made a decision, that I will never stop loving her no matter what. She was my second home. I don't care, even if she goes and date other people and comes back to me I will accept her. I have decided to work on myself, get my life together and then approach her after 10th September and before 20th September. As 20th September is our anniversary. I will ask her to talk with me on a call, I will tell her how I want to wait for her. How i am ready to wait, how I understand her, how I don't hate her, how I really want this with her and how I want her to wait for me. How I am studying hard to get a college 1 hour away from her college. How we will date when we are our best versions.

I am not letting a good relationship die because of our immaturity and trauma and stupid decisions. I am working towards my reactiveness, I am very reactive by nature. I am trying to fix my flaws and trying to study harder. I am writing this at 3am and at 12:30pm today I have a test in my coaching, I haven't studied anything. I will go and study now harder than ever for her, for myself, for us. I am going to make this work, I love her, i deeply love her, and I know that she loves me. I am hitting the gym, I am going to start eating properly. i have lost some weight, but it's okay. I will recover.

One of my closest friends told me to give up on her, how Ish is mentally unstable. How I have a bright future ahead of me, how I have a family, how I have a family, how I can easily find a better girl. But I never wanted better, I want Ish. I love what I have with Ish. She's an amazing person, she's talkative, friendly, lovely, interesting, the type to literally lit fire in your life, weird asf. The type you don't find easily. And I am not letting it go.

This is my controversial decision, against all odds. I would love to hear your guys thoughts on this. What else should I do? How stupid I am being? Please.

I’m hoping people take the time to reach this post.

For context: I (26M) recently got out a 2 year relationship, she broke up with me 3 months ago. She was just about everything you could ask for in a girl. She was kind, smart, pretty, empathetic, loving, caring, she loved me organically and authentically. She always wanted to be by my side and was proud to stand next to me. To be honest, she had nothing wrong with her, she was the full package. She was never anything but good to me.

However, I did not treat her the same. What has become apparent to me now after a lot of reflection (I’ve started therapy, i’ve learned about attachment styles, I’ve listened to podcasts, etc…) is that I definitely showed a lot of avoidant tendencies. I never truly felt relaxed unless I was by myself and doing things independently. I usually felt I had my guard up around her and would shut down like a baby if she said anything I didn’t like. I was stressed, and I don’t know why. Additionally, I was very judgmental in the relationship about her and others. I said some pretty terrible things, some of the things I said I don’t even believe, I don’t know why I said them. To a degree, I just don’t feel I was ever fully “myself” when around her. I’m sure the stress/pressure to the commitment of potential marriage played a role in why I acted certain ways. For the record, I never abused her (physically or emotionally). I acted differently around her than anyone else in my life. Everyone else sees the fun/joyful side of me, she only ever got to see the serious/tense side of me. The odd thing is, even in the moment, I knew I was not acting myself around her but I always just thought i’ll wake up better tomorrow, fixed. I hurt the person I loved the most.

Yes, I know, I’m a POS. I’m currently living with an indescribable amount of pain, sadness, regret, and emptiness. I wish she knew how sorry and remorseful I am. She absolutely deserved better than the way I treated her. I wish I could go back in time. I genuinely want to change, as I never want to treat another girl the same way I treated her. It’s been 3 months and she still shows up in my dreams. She is the last thing I think about before I go to bed and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I made the biggest mistake of my life and I hate myself for it.

Now for my question to you all (and would seriously like to hear and will read every single reply): How do you move on/heal from a breakup when YOU were the problem? Reddit if full of people who hate their ex, full of people who put accountability on their ex, but what about someone like myself who is the reason for the failure in the relationship? I’m the one who messed up, I’m the one who fell short, I’m the one who treated the other so poorly, I’m the one who hurt the other, I was the problem…

Should I ignore it or just say thanks? Or is there something I can send them that might actually help them?

So I was discarded im May. He didnt go no contact he wanted to remain friends. It was difficult cuz I wanted to be more obviously. He knows im in love with him and I want a future with him, and I thought he wanted that too. He kept telling me "you want more and I couldn't". I know he started sleeping with his ex again, he never denied it. I made the mistake of talking to one of his friends about the situation to get some insight. His friend told me to wait 6 months, and that my jow ex does love me. Told my ex this and he denies ever talking to his friend about me like that. Fast forward to this past Tuesday when he was in town he agreed to have coffee with me. He had just got back from 3 weeks in Europe. Asked him why he was there for 3 weeks, he said "I didnt want to deal with things so I ran". I asked him to his face if he was running away from me and avoiding me, he said yes without hesitation.

I just want to know why they run like this. He won't completely cut me off. I asked him if he wanted to talk to me again he said IDK. I asked if he wanted me part of his life he said IDK. Everything he answerd with was IDK. I texted him afterwards and said "I won't bother him anymore. And I wished the both of them (him and his ex) the best in life. He then texted right away and said wait what im not dating her and she knows that why are u saying goodbye.

I dont understand why the hell he wants from me.

I was with my ex for a year. He asked me to be his girlfriend at a restaurant, his friends/family knew about me, we celebrated anniversaries, had pictures, etc. He called me his girlfriend/partner and talked about “our relationship.” He explicitly called me “his partner”.

But the relationship had issues. whenever I brought up any issue that was bothering me, he would react really badly, become defensive, rude, say I was “draining” him, that we were always having serious conversations, that he wanted peace, etc. He also sometimes distorted my words implying I said things I didn’t.

No matter how sweet I was he would label me as harsh, even id I tried talking with a baby voice. The more I tried to talk things through, the worse his reaction seemed to get, and I often ended up apologizing for “hurting and offending him” which was crazy. Whenever I tried having a remotely serious convo he’d get all tense and he’d ghost me for a day or hours.

He also said things like:
“You don’t let me be myself.”
“With you I have to think about what I say.”

He made sarcastic comments about things I’d done months earlier, mocking me, joking about him going after other women, or other women chasing him, and when I reacted, the focus often became my reaction rather than what had triggered it, saying things like “I’m your partner and you have to respect me” or that “he was just joking”.

One day I talked about a very short trip to Europe I planned doing before I met him. I even thought about his thesis and how I would go when he was going to be busy doing it. He sulked and asked me if he could do the same. I said that would bother me since I wanted us to spend more time together and that I planned doing that before I met him. He sulked and kept insisting the problem was I didn’t allow him to do the same I was doing.

He also seemed very resistant to compromise, saying things like:

“Do I really have to give up that much for this relationship?”

Then one day when we were having a serious conversation, he suddenly said:

“You never actually said yes to being my partner. We never had a formal conversation”.

I was completely blindsided. I asked for space, and he begged me not to leave, cried, sent huge messages, said he loved me, said it was a mistake, that that didn’t reflect what he felt and wished he could erase that moment because we had been doing so well and he regretted tarnishing the moment where he asked me to be his gf, blah

I eventually forgave him. But everything went downhill, he started being all cold and reclutant to talk about what happened and asked me to “leave it behind”, that “he didn’t know why he did it” and asking me stuff like “what are you going to do for your birthday?” as if I was some distant acquintance.

And then, shortly after I forgave him, he literally asked me how to flirt with girls on Instagram while calling me his girlfriend in the same conversation. 💀
I ended it. He cried and asked for one more day, saying “how did we get to this point?”. I gave it to him as I was sooo blind.

He ended up breaking up with me the next day (lol I was the one who initiated the breakup the day before wtf!!!) saying he had no clarity, that he didn’t want to regret staying with me or saying no and wanting to come back and that he had no resentment towards me. (Dude YOU hurt me???)

The aftermath was awful and my anxiety/panic became extreme. Two days later he was on Tinder.

What confuses me is that I genuinely don’t think he never cared. He called me his partner, talked about our relationship, wanted to build things together, cried during the breakup, said he loved me, and seemed devastated that we’d reached that point.

So I’m wondering: does this sound like avoidant attachment, emotional immaturity or wtf?