u/sad-might11

I’m 24M, bisexual and I dated a guy for five months. Things were genuinely good, we fell in love, and I believed we had something worth fighting for. this is the first time I fell in love in a genuinely with my whole heart Loved this guy
Eventually, things got complicated, and he walked away.
There was no cheating involved, but he has accused me of cheating, manipulation, and other things that I don’t believe reflect what actually happened. I’m not saying I never made mistakes, but my intentions were always to save the relationship, not hurt him. I genuinely believe our issues were solvable, but he refuses to see things from my perspective.
After the breakup, I spent almost three months chasing him, explaining myself, begging him to understand, and trying to make things work. After one month of breakup he felt like coming back again, We even attempted reconciliation, but he gave up after four days, saying he couldn’t do it anymore, and i was like when he wanted to he came back but when I wanted to he detached himself totally. Since then, he has made it clear that he doesn’t love me, doesn’t want to be with me, and never wants to see my face again. He has moved on with his life, is working, and is moving cities. He hasn’t reached out once in these three months. Every attempt at contact came from me.

I begged, cried, and humiliated myself in ways I never thought I would. I was disrespected, kicked out of his house, and made to question my character, morals, friendships, principles, and self-worth, had zero self respect left. Yet, even after everything, I was still willing to accept him back.
I’m currently in therapy and have been taking antidepressants for about a month, but I feel mentally stuck. My mind has become a battlefield. One part of me tries to defend myself, while the other keeps defending him and justifying his actions. I find myself excusing the disrespect because maybe he was hurt, insecure, or struggling too. Even my friends and therapist have pointed out things that weren’t okay, but I still find myself taking his side.
It’s almost as if I’ve internalized his version of events so deeply that I can’t distinguish between taking accountability for my mistakes and believing I deserved everything that happened to me. Logically, I know my mistakes weren’t unforgivable, but emotionally, I keep questioning what else I could have done to make him stay.
And the worst part? \\\\\\\*\\\\\\\*I STILL HOPE HE COMES BACK.\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\*
I know he has moved on. I know he doesn’t want anything to do with me. Yet, a tiny part of me keeps holding on. Somehow, letting go of that hope feels like losing the last remaining piece of the relationship.
My mind constantly replays our memories, conversations, and everything we shared. When I’m not consciously thinking about him, my brain brings him back into my thoughts, almost as if it’s checking whether I’m still hurting. And if I happen to have a relatively good day, I start questioning myself. Why am I not sad? Why am I not grieving? Shouldn’t I still be hurting? Sometimes, I feel like I’ve become so accustomed to misery that being okay almost feels wrong.
I made him my entire world. His family became my family, his friends became my friends, and my life revolved around him. Now that he’s gone, everything feels connected to him, even places and things I enjoyed long before I met him. He has moved forward, while I feel like I’m standing in the same place, trying to understand what happened.
Another thing I'm struggling with is the thought of him being with someone else, doing the things we used to do together, sharing the intimacy and memories we once had. Just imagining him giving someone else the love and affection I kept begging him for makes me physically sick. Sometimes, the thoughts become so overwhelming that I don't know how to cope with them. I know I can't control what he does anymore, but emotionally, the thought of being replaced feels unbearable.

I’m studying right now and don’t have a job, so I’m already dealing with uncertainty about my future. All of this has left me with so much self-loathing, self-doubt, and self-hatred that I barely recognize myself anymore.
I keep asking myself why he gave up on me. Was I not enough? Was I really so worthless that he could walk away? Why wasn’t he willing to fight for us the way I was willing to fight for him?
Therapy and medication haven’t made me feel significantly better yet, and I’m honestly terrified that I’ll remain stuck here forever. I don’t know how to rebuild my identity, stop blaming myself, or let go of someone who has clearly let go of me.

\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\*For those who’ve experienced something similar:\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\*
How do you stop internalizing your ex’s version of events and constantly questioning yourself?
How do you stop defending someone who hurt you?
How do you let go of hope when a part of you still wants them back?
How do you rebuild your life after making someone your entire world?
Does this constant rumination, self-blame, and feeling of being stuck eventually get better?

its been a week of no contact now
for last 3 months i tried contacting him but got disrespect everytime I don’t want to spend my life trapped in a relationship that the other person has already moved on from.
I just want my life back. I want to feel like myself again, and I don’t know how to get there. Any advice or personal experiences would genuinely mean a lot.

sometimes I feel like maybe killing myself would be the only way out of this misery