u/Suspicious-Bet-4950

Nothing, just that. Been on dates. It’s been almost a year my ex and I broke up, the whole story is in my post history.

Can’t fully connect with anyone. I carry this ghost loyalty to my ex who was trash towards me. I can’t let go of the memories and the injustice, the unsaid words. I can’t spend a day not thinking about them and how unfair it is that he hasn’t faced any kind of karma. And trying to “make him understand what he did” is like talking to a wall, a circular conversation that goes anywhere because he rarely admits fault to anything basically.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about him on the gym, with friends, doing whatever. My head cannot reconcile that the person who was so loving, affectionate, adoring was also the cold asshole who cut me off coldly and went for new women super fast.

At the same time I cannot date without this skepticism or just end up cancelling the date altogether even if they are awesome, it’s like I have 0 interest on them even if in another moment of my life things would have been different.

I fear never being able to move on. It’s been a year, and a part of me is still waiting for something from him that may never arrive.

I was with my ex for a year. He asked me to be his girlfriend at a restaurant, his friends/family knew about me, we celebrated anniversaries, had pictures, etc. He called me his girlfriend/partner and talked about “our relationship.” He explicitly called me “his partner”.

But the relationship had issues. whenever I brought up any issue that was bothering me, he would react really badly, become defensive, rude, say I was “draining” him, that we were always having serious conversations, that he wanted peace, etc. He also sometimes distorted my words implying I said things I didn’t.

No matter how sweet I was he would label me as harsh, even id I tried talking with a baby voice. The more I tried to talk things through, the worse his reaction seemed to get, and I often ended up apologizing for “hurting and offending him” which was crazy. Whenever I tried having a remotely serious convo he’d get all tense and he’d ghost me for a day or hours.

He also said things like:
“You don’t let me be myself.”
“With you I have to think about what I say.”

He made sarcastic comments about things I’d done months earlier, mocking me, joking about him going after other women, or other women chasing him, and when I reacted, the focus often became my reaction rather than what had triggered it, saying things like “I’m your partner and you have to respect me” or that “he was just joking”.

One day I talked about a very short trip to Europe I planned doing before I met him. I even thought about his thesis and how I would go when he was going to be busy doing it. He sulked and asked me if he could do the same. I said that would bother me since I wanted us to spend more time together and that I planned doing that before I met him. He sulked and kept insisting the problem was I didn’t allow him to do the same I was doing.

He also seemed very resistant to compromise, saying things like:

“Do I really have to give up that much for this relationship?”

Then one day when we were having a serious conversation, he suddenly said:

“You never actually said yes to being my partner. We never had a formal conversation”.

I was completely blindsided. I asked for space, and he begged me not to leave, cried, sent huge messages, said he loved me, said it was a mistake, that that didn’t reflect what he felt and wished he could erase that moment because we had been doing so well and he regretted tarnishing the moment where he asked me to be his gf, blah

I eventually forgave him. But everything went downhill, he started being all cold and reclutant to talk about what happened and asked me to “leave it behind”, that “he didn’t know why he did it” and asking me stuff like “what are you going to do for your birthday?” as if I was some distant acquintance.

And then, shortly after I forgave him, he literally asked me how to flirt with girls on Instagram while calling me his girlfriend in the same conversation. 💀
I ended it. He cried and asked for one more day, saying “how did we get to this point?”. I gave it to him as I was sooo blind.

He ended up breaking up with me the next day (lol I was the one who initiated the breakup the day before wtf!!!) saying he had no clarity, that he didn’t want to regret staying with me or saying no and wanting to come back and that he had no resentment towards me. (Dude YOU hurt me???)

The aftermath was awful and my anxiety/panic became extreme. Two days later he was on Tinder.

What confuses me is that I genuinely don’t think he never cared. He called me his partner, talked about our relationship, wanted to build things together, cried during the breakup, said he loved me, and seemed devastated that we’d reached that point.

So I’m wondering: does this sound like avoidant attachment, emotional immaturity or wtf?

Tbh as title says, even though he lied left and right, manipulated, gaslighted and avoided constantly serious conversations by telling me “these talks drain me” and becoming aggresive whenever I brought up something serious…part of me fears he’ll be good to a girl he likes more.

It’s like a part of me thinks he was mean to me because maybe he didn’t like me enough and he’ll be different to the love of his life, even though rationally I know it’s not the case. Someone else feels the same?

Chicas entiendo que está bueno desahogarse y buscar una validación de saber si terminar o no con un gil.

Pero a veces veo posts que tiran tipo

“Pasó inserte la cosa más irrespetuosa y chota que existe con mi novio. Tiene 15 chongas en paralelo, me faja y no labura hace 10 años, lo mantengo yo. Me ama? Lo dejo?”

No hace falta que alguien te falte el respeto 10 veces para dejarlo. Ya en el momento que la persona te está DEMOSTRANDO con acciones y palabras de mierda que no te quiere, lo tenés q dejar. Los tipos no aprenden porque los retes, te enojes, etc. Entiendo el apego emocional pero todo tiene un límite.

no es tan complicado ser fiel, no seguir minas, ser medianamente coherente, laburar (o buscar laburo), hablarte con amor, pensar en vos antes de hablar o actuar

Si alguien te trae más estres y momentos de mrd que paz, dejalo. No importa que “pero tiene momentos” o “hace 15 años me regaló la rosa de Leo Mattioli 🥹”, lo que importa es que te demuestra hoy y a diario, no en picos emocionales random donde le da miedo a que te vayas con otro o se le pare o le agarre culpa

No digo que una relación no tenga roces, momentos difíciles, dificultades personales, bla. Me refiero a cuando el otro empieza a tener acciones chotas y la cosa no cambia. Te está robando tiempo, energía y amor que se lo podrías estar dando a algo o a alguien que posta se lo merezca

Tengo amigos y flia hombres que se desviven por las minas que aman y ni en pedo pensarían en hacer boludeces porque valoran a quien tienen al lado. No piensen que no se pueden encontrar en el camino a alguien así

Nada, se los digo para que nos empoderemos un poco y no dejemos que un pajero nos maneje las emociones 🤍

Bueno nada, me viene pasando que desde una relación muy tóxica que tuve el año pasado donde no podía plantear cosas sin que se generaran discusiones explosivas o la ley del hielo, (él me terminó cagando y hablando cosas bastante nefastas de mi a mis espaldas pero eso es otro mambo, la verdad que el sujeto me lastimó muchísimo) vengo teniendo formas disfuncionales de enfrentarme al mundo

Me doy cuenta que no puedo sostener conversaciones difíciles o desacuerdos sin huir o necesitar espacios. Es como que no me lo puedo bancar emocionalmente y me supera, prefiero fingir demencia de lo que ocurre porque un simple enfrentamiento me trae mucha verguenza

A su vez me pasa que no puedo profundizar en amistades o gente nueva que conozco, pongo distancia o no quiero que me conozcan del todo, me siento muy incómoda si empieza a haber confianza

Con tipos nuevos pateo salidas, cancelo a último minuto o me doy cuenta que no estoy presente del todo ni en el momento, como que si avanza bien siento la necesidad de cortarlo o buscar otra persona y que la cosa no pase de coqueteo superficial porque ni siquiera quiero sexo, una vez iba a verme con uno y quedé como congelada, sin querer lo dejé plantado pero no se ni porqué, no podía ni rechazarlo, muy raro realmente, pero no por algo de el si no porque yo estaba freezeada de verdad

Si estoy en un grupo mucho tiempo siento la necesidad de buscar otro grupo y cosas así, como que no puedo permanecer en un lugar mucho tiempo o incluso en silencio conmigo misma mucho tiempo

Les ha pasado? Como lo solucionan?

9 months later and I’m still stuck. To be honest, I never had the opportunity to tell him all his truths in his face and how he made me feel because I was so dissociated and blind at the end. I ended up just “accepting” the breakup “peacefully” and that “nobody was to blame” when he devalued, cheated on me, denied the relationship, etc etc

But I still have this ache in my heart that I would like to idk, it sounds immature but a part of me wants some sort of karma, revenge or just having a chance to talk and tell him to f off.

Also the ache of feeling he might give his everything to other girl and get all the loyalty and attention I begged because she might have some magical better whatever gives me such a terrible sensation.

Any of you on the same boat?