u/SupportAnimalAsa

I called to you,

You answered not

You had secrets

Truths forgot

I stood outside

Please let me in

I dont want woven words

I want weeping, wetting sin

I reject what's rehearsed

I want

The beautiful

and cursed

And when your temper shattered night

I saw the man you keep inside

He's glorious, honest, true

I stood in awe, that was YOU

I never wanted peace,

Petals and promises

I never asked for pretense

All that's dishonest

I wanted pain and rage

The most daggery hue,

I wanted fangs and fur

I wanted YOU

I wanted thunder!

Rain!

Hatred's stain

Violence and pain

Tears unrestrained

The beastly jaws

Expose the meat

I see you

Behind the teeth

I see the man

You keep beneath

He lives in shadow

He appears in storm

Lightning strikes

I see his form

...Majestic

Your anger isn't ugly

It's regal, bright, and lovely

Glorious and bright

Prisms of fantastic light

You made me a captive

My eyes imprisoned

Yours the only voice

I listened

You called my questions daggers

You called my longing war

But I only wanted warrant

To kneel upon your floor

And every word you couldn't keep

Was a glimpse of you I seek

I didn't want peace

I wanted YOU

All you hid

All you withdrew

I don't want peace

I want you

Not just your love

I need your truth

You say that she understands you

And,

Perhaps she really does

Or maybe she accepts the silence

And calls that silence love

Maybe she makes you feel understood

By never asking why

But I wanted more than shadows

I wanted YOU not a lie

Peace is a prison

A place to die

Oh how I loved your thunder

I loved your flame

The way your anger

Screamed my name

And when you shouted

I heard your heart

When you silenced

It fell apart

I didn't want peace

I wanted you

You chose darkness

And withdrew

I wanted to know a man

Who did not want to be known

I offered up my heart

And he retreated with a groan

I lost my spark

I lost my friend

It broke my heart

To see the end

Knowing knows

Night descends

Hiding Hides

It...

Suspends

And did that same reason end up repelling them later?

​

My answer:

We define what love is and what love means to us.

And I define love as an act. It is observable. You can recognize it and see it happening.

To me, love listens, stays, repairs, seeks reconciliation, protects, chooses and gives.

Love is not neglect, abandonment, unforgiveness, betrayal, rejection and selfish.

Love is connection,

Not avoidance.

My avoidant may have wanted me, been attracted, or valued me to some degree...

But that isn't love.

And then perhaps they really DID love me in actions, behavior, and choice.

Maybe they loved me in feelings, thoughts, and words...

Maybe they cared...

Maybe they didn't.

You decide if what they gave you was enough.

You decide if they loved or didn't.

BUT

REGARDLESS OF WHAT CAME BEFORE

At some point,

THEY STOPPED

They stopped choosing me. They stopped loving me in actions, choices, decisions, words, time, effort, and involvement.

And that's when I am absolutely certain,

THEIR WAY OF LOVING ME, IS NOT ENOUGH.

You define what love is. You determine what is enough

"Highlights

•

The role of dopamine in individual differences in avoidance behavior.

•

Dopamine modulates avoidance behavior.

•

Dopaminergic evidence of individual difference in avoidance behavior.

•

Good and poor avoiders distinction based on dopaminergic signature.

•

Dopaminergic signature of avoidance performers: poor versus good avoiders."

Did I maybe bait you with the title?

No, I'm not talking about staying in a relationship that clearly sucks for you and/or that doesn't meet your needs; I'm referring to something more simple.

From personal experience, a big sign of my own growth was not only when I stopped listening to the sob story of "I'm such a hurt victim", but also, when I simply accepted that this is who she is, and there's nothing inherently vile about it.

And it's freeing when you stop thinking things could be different, and simply start seeing the stuff for whatever it always was.

I had to eventually accept it.

Accept that, no, I didn't get personally victimized by her behavior. It could have been anyone. I could have been anyone.

No, I am not so special that she would have to fold and feel incredibly bad for "hurting such a good guy". I was (and in some ways, still am) a mess. It was never meant to be.

No, I don't want her to be punished by fate, karma, or whatever.

No, I don't pity her for the Attachment Style she carries.

She's just an Emotionally-Unavailable, Dismissive-Avoidant; not a monster, not a narcissist, and the whole ordeal shouldn't have landed that hard. If there is a next time, I'll be sure to pick up my emotions, wave "goodbye" and leave with some dignity.

It's just a person, not a god or a demon.

There will no need for whining or chasing. No double-texting, no concern or staying where I'm not openly wanted. I'll move on. I am moving on, and it feels different from anything I've ever lived.

Because, if before I was purely attached, now I'm starting to love, and I'm not talking about romantic love.

I'm starting to appreciate her, despite the obvious gaps in our compatibility, which are now more apparent than ever. Now, when I look at her, I no longer think "If only she tried harder...", now, what I think is "She is trying her best, already", and I smile.

And it pushes me to try my best too, not be closer to her, but to truly be me. You could even say we've grown even more apart than when the whole thing started. I am opening up to true love, facing others with pure vulnerability and using my own gifts to the maximum, in order to improve my own life and help others while at it.

It's no longer "Why did she give me false hope?", but, "She was already far too overwhelmed to properly commit to anything. She didn't realize she couldn't do it". Not anymore of "She didn't care about us, or me", but "Let's not insist when that happens again. I know better now".

Her ways have become clearer to me than ever, and still are clearing up.

Every now and then, she makes a small reach out my way, usually to speak about something uncompromising (like work or some quick, superficial thing), sometimes to share a tiny bit of enthusiasm in regards to something (Maybe breadcrumbing? Can't care less now), to which I respond as I normally would.

It's been getting a bit more frequent as of late... at least, when you judge it from her standards!

I now blow through my nose in amusement when the 6-hour-late answer of a simple "like" emoji, an "okay", or a "thank you" arrives, to the well-composed, long text I sent in response to whatever she brought up.

"Well, when has it ever been any different?" I ask myself, among some laughter, and then I have even more fun when remembering. "Oh, yeah! In my fake scenarios it was different!"

And I fall into attachment less and less, while loving more and more. I want her to be happy.

It took meeting her for me to realize how blessed my own life actually is, and how much I insisted in willfully ignoring that in favor of a pity narrative.

(By the way, before any of you guys says "Just cut her already! She is fishing for access to you with those crumbs and trying to keep you hooked!" Oh, believe when I say I no longer care enough about trying for romance; I really AM just that guy. We're still connected by work, after all.

Besides, I'm already talking to other people and living my best life, and on top of that, I know she ain't changing, so I no longer expect her to. I appreciate the concern, though!)

What is the Four Attachment Types Working Model?

The Four Attachment Types is an idea I developed for organizing recurring relationship patterns I’ve observed. It has not been scientifically validated and is not a diagnostic system. I’m continuing to develop and refine it.

The Four Attachment Types is a working conceptual model I developed through Avoidant Support Animal after observing recurring differences in how people respond when attachment insecurity is activated.

My model proposes four broad behavioral patterns:

❤️ Manipulative — attempts to manage attachment insecurity through control, pressure, testing, or strategic interpersonal behavior.

💛 Scared — responds primarily through fear, vulnerability, avoidance, and self-protection.

🧡 Selfish — prioritizes personal comfort, needs, or continued access to another person while showing less regard for the relational impact.

💜 Consuming — becomes intensely preoccupied with the attachment connection and has difficulty emotionally disengaging.

These are not attachment styles. My model proposes that these patterns can occur within insecure attachment styles, which is why two people with the same attachment style may behave very differently in relationships and breakups.

This is my working conceptual model, not an established component of attachment theory, a diagnosis, or a validated psychological instrument.

I expect it to evolve as I continue observing, writing, and learning.

The Four Avoidant Types is an idea I developed for organizing recurring relationship patterns I’ve observed. It has not been scientifically validated and is not a diagnostic system. I’m continuing to develop and refine it.

The Four Attachment Types Working Model. Developed by Avoidant Support Animal © 2026

So this question was asked weeks ago, and i started to tell you, and then i went into writer/storybook mode.

(I'M SORRY)

I will do my best to stay focused.

My DA ex was one helluva breakup. I of course self sabotaged with my FA foolery. So I understood why it needed to end. But it still hurt. And I was not ready to detach and let go.

I thought he and I had this unspoken agreement that we would always belong to one another...

He proved me wrong and is planning to propose to someone else 🥲😢😭

There isnt an emoji strong enough to convey my sadness. Im tearing up just thinking about it.

Were we compatible? NO

And yet we were both completely obsessed and stricken by one another.

It truly did feel like an omega verse novel and we imprinted upon each other. It was a crazy strong connection that felt supernatural bc it reached across states.

We could still feel each other somatically.

It was beautiful. Intense. Possessing.

It was my nervous system in maximum activation mode.

I really was like Ron Weasly after drinking the love potion.

My body chose him.

But my mind...

She had complaints.

My brain:

Yes I know hes crazy hot and you're a muttering, love sick mess rn...

But yall are NOT compatible.

You speak in sonnets and metaphorical prose, your love has a Shakespeare mode and you are in it.

He speaks like Luscis (c/s) from "The Village" meaning he barely speaks at all...and for an LDR...you dont think that matters?

Yes, hes fascinated by you BECAUSE you are so different and expressive.

But he cant relate to you the way you want. And he doesn't understand your metaphors and similies.

He cant deep dive into the depths. And that will leave you aching in agony. Because you cant do shallow or surface.

You want full access to a man only willing to grant 20%

Not gonna work.

^^^

My body pretty much just blew a raspberry and kept dreaming.

Well, brain was right. I would write him a beautiful poem well thought out and he would just say:

Him: Ty. I appreciate that.

Me: I wrote it FOR you ABOUT you.

Him: Oh i did not realize that. Ty.

Yes I wanted more than polite acceptance. More engagement. Maybe even some reciprocity...

The only time the man was expressive was when he was activated.

And only 2 things seemed to activate him:

1). Sexual arousal

2). Anger and upset.

He was never more communicative then when he was upset. And then I started to love fighting with him because that was when he felt closest to me.

I didn't manipulate that insight. But I did observe it.

But when he was in a state of homeostasis he was very stoic, flat, absent...boring.

It was hard.

And yet my body wanted to cling to this silent creature.

And my brain was weeping from lack of mental stimulation.

My heart was somewhere trapped in the middle.

His silence triggered me over and over again.

Push pull...push pull...push pull...

He finally wanted off the ride.

He stopped it.

And im glad he did bc I would have continued.

It hurt. It absolutely cut me up.

Months went by.

A few days ago i reached out bc I wanted to know if he ever (insert goal here).

That was all I wanted.

But he replied, happily. Joyful. He kept feeding the conversation that I kept trying to leave.

At least in 12 different ways he asked me to please remain in his life in SOME capacity.

I didn't want to. He has a gf he is planning to propose to.

But he seemed so very wanting.

So I said ok. Blocked him. Came back. He blocked me. Came back...

God we are a mess!

He was texting me a bit. Enough that my nervous system reactivated. I thought of him all day, heart leapt at every text notification, I anticipated hearing from him.

Then Friday comes...

My last text goes unanswered...

And I know its bc hes with her. The one he actually chose. And that hurt me.

But it was honest, good clarity.

I cannot be this mans friend. I want to be his woman. And if I cant be that, then i cant stay.

To stay only means intervals of happiness and pain. I dont want that. I want to be chosen fully.

So last night I ended things. I said goodbye.

And today I feel so much better. Today I feel free and at peace.

Im glad i closed the door.

To keep it open was like installing a subscription to daily doses of pain.

I made this EDIT* ChatGpt generated* to showcase my heartache and as a visual to remind me not to go back. Bc this is what awaits me if I do. Ill put it in the comments

--Asa

Avoidant Support Animal

So I posted about the emotional harem (a cluster of individuals the avoidant keeps in their orbit to outsource intimacy to).

And now im going to introduce one to you to help you spot avoidant patterns and red flags.

So introducing Emotional Harem member no. 1:

THE SURROGATE

Their role: to provide relationship comfort and intimacy without the stress of the dynamic becoming romantic.

The surrogate is typically someone the avoidant does not see as a sexual/romantic option.

BUT they will be of the same gender the avoidant is sexually attracted to.

So mine were men.

Why the surrogate feels safe:

There is no danger of ever falling in love or developing a romance, which effectively prevents the trauma beast/philophobia from waking up.

Looking back, I see i have actually collected a few of these.

One was a much younger gay, young man...so obviously safe. We met on fortnite. He was an amazing duo partner. We laughed and truly got each others sense of humor. But he was gay and younger.

I was in no danger of him ever wanting me.

(He proved me wrong. But that is for another post)

He ended up being my first avoidant heartbreak. I loved my friend dearly. Things got weird...I rejected him.

And he replaced me with an even older woman and blocked. (So I suppose I might have started as his surrogate?)

Ok...well now I wanna keep talking about it.

You see...he actually played with my ex husband and initially wanted my husband.

And then one day I joined their squad and he met me... He ended up falling for me/becoming infatuated.

So surrogates can absolutely stop functioning as surrogates and they get removed from the emotional harem.

Like Mickey.

Mickey was on the spectrum. I adored that man. We would talk about Disney. He was/is a tiktoker who draws. He accidentally joined a live i was in and I immediately recognized he was NOT a troll and saved him from being Quasimodo'ed out of there.

"Put down your tomatoes folks. He means us no ill will"

We all ended up adopting him but Mickey was "mine."

I would feel myself getting jealous if he started giving other women attention.

He would invite me to live tiktok concerts and it honestly was the best. We would listen to this woman dressed up as a fairy serenade us.

Mickey had warned me: She is very pretty but I just come here for the music.

Me: Ok Mickey.

Him: im not going to even message in the chat.

Me: got it

(It was so stinking sweet. He was trying to protect me from feeling jealous).

Mickey 5 minutes later: You sing like an absolute angel! And you are so pretty!

...Guy could not commit to the bit. Lol

So,

I got to enjoy having a friendship that felt harmless and pure...

For a bit.

Well Mickey ended up trying to be more and I freaked TF out. There went my safe connection. He felt rejected. He never recovered and since then he severely detached. 💔

I have made attempts to still be friends...

Its not the same. :(

Do i miss him? Yes. I also miss Mr. I wanted your husband but I changed teams for you...

I have avoidant friends and exes and I know who their surrogates are.

My model friend has a woman he is absolutely not attracted to at all but she is his go to date. They play pool together on weekends and that man loves her.

She gets all the affection his followers wish they could get. But its contained. Its safe.

Writing this i realized my Dad's surrogate was my Nana...

There's some avoidant fuckery for ya.

He still weeps for her. And it was mutual. They had a very strong bond and on her deathbed she did ask for him.

My step mother did not permit it.

It haunts him to this day.

Attachments...relationships...they are so very powerful.

Avoidants understand that very well.

And so they do the best they can to avoid the penalty of love. The loss...the grief...

But it gets us none the less.

No one escapes the power that is love.

It comes for us all.

Love just cant be deterred

WANT ME TO LOOK AT YOUR STORY?

Here’s what I need:

1). How did you get together? Who pursued whom?

2). What was the beginning like love bombing/intense pursuit, steady connection, or slow build?

3). What happened as you got closer? Push-pull, deactivation, hot/cold behavior?

4). What were they like during conflict?

5). Did they become angry or resentful toward you? What triggered it?

6). What specifically caused the breakup, and who ended it?

7). What did the breakup look like? Was there sudden, gradual, cold, emotional, blocking?

8). What happened afterward? No contact, breadcrumbs, blocking/unblocking, friendship attempts, new relationship?

9). How long were you together? In-person or long-distance?

10). Any major complicating factors cheating, monkey-branching, triangulation, abuse, substance use, major crisis, repeated breakups?

11). Most importantly: What do you want me to figure out?

12). What outcome are you hoping for?