r/loveaddiction

I'm 18F and I genuinely struggle with my love life.

I've never been in a serious relationship, and I honestly just want to know what a genuine connection feels like.

I've had plenty of talking stages and situationships, and at this point it feels like they all end the same. We flirt, we talk, I start getting attached... and then they leave. 😭

There was this one guy whom i thought, could be the one. He love bombed tf out of me to the point where I actually believed he cared about me😭😭 Later I found out he pretty much talked to every girl the same way. That one hurt. :(

Then I met another guy who was 4 years older than me. He had just gotten out of a relationship, and i started to feel like I was just filling a temporary space in his life. The more I got to know him, the more I realized he wasn't the person I thought he was.

Sometimes I genuinely wonder why my love life never seems to work out.

I think one of my biggest problems is that I get attached way too easily. I overthink everything, reread chats over and over, and if someone shows me even the slightest bit of care, I end up caring about them so much more than I probably should😭

When I like someone, I naturally become really affectionate. I like sending good morning texts with dumb emojis, staying up listening to their random stories, making stupid nicknames, teasing them... just small things like that. I just enjoy making the person I like smile. And honestly, if someone did those little things for me, I'd probably remember them forever.

Maybe I've just been meeting the wrong people, but sometimes it feels like everyone's okay with flirting until things start getting real. Then they leave.

I've somehow had my heart broken by people I wasn't even officially dating, and honestly that's the part that confuses me the most. How can someone who was never really yours leave such a big impact?

I know there are good people out there, and I don't expect some perfect movie relationship. I just want someone who's genuine, consistent, and actually means what they say.

Some days I'm completely okay with being single, and other days it just hits me hard..

The feeling of wanting to be loved by someone... to be chosen by someone... is too real☹️

I just wonder what it feels like to have someone who's genuinely excited to have me in their life. Someone who chooses me, is excited to talk to me, and actually means the things they say.

Sorry for the long ass vent. 😭 I guess I was just a little emotional tonight and needed to get this off my chest.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Did things eventually work out for you? I'd genuinely love to hear your experiences.

For me, love is a verb. Not just some words about feelings. For me it's about mutual respect, understanding, and shared experiences. It's is about finding joy in each other's company, supporting one another's passions, and building lasting friendships that enrich our lives. If it's important to you, it's important to me because I care. It’s about exploring new adventures and having meaningful conversations that foster growth and connection. It's also about dedication and devotion and standing by each other through the good and bad times. It's also about embracing our differences and acceptance. Love requires regular attention in the form of shared experiences and mutual communication with the understanding of each other's perceptions. This is what love is to me. What's your version?

Oh, how I had missed the gentle touch of your hands on my body.

So tender…
touching me without asking for permission.

How long had you been holding yourself back?
Hiding behind the armor of an impenetrable man.

Yet I saw that wonderfully gentle soul breaking at the mere sound of my voice.

Let me hold you.

Let our bodies rest intertwined,
waiting for something we’ve longed for, for so long.

But why should we rush?

Give me another unexpected kiss.
Tell me this night is ours…
even if, by morning, you won’t be here anymore.

All I ask is that you look into my eyes,
holding on to a little of what the night gave us.

Oh, how I had missed your fingers playing with my hair,
slowly tracing their way down between my breasts.

Without asking for permission,
you reclaim a small piece of my soul,
while I steal a little bit of yours.

I won’t ask you to stay tonight.
I won’t break the pact my bruised heart made with time.

Go with the wind.
Return when the time is right.

I’ll be waiting for you,
with the same longing,
with the same trembling heart,
eager to lose myself in your embrace once again.

I feel a little crazy even writing this, but I'm hoping someone else has experienced something similar.

There's this guy I haven't seen in about 6 years. We never really interacted much, and back then I didn't think much of him at all.

Then, around 3 years ago, I started thinking about him in a romantic way for reasons I still don't understand. At first it was just an occasional thought, but over the past 2 months it's become much more frequent. I think about him every single day now, and I honestly don't know why.

I've even tried looking him up online and searching for his family, but I haven't found anything. It's almost like he disappeared, which somehow makes me think about it even more.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Becoming emotionally or romantically attached to someone you barely knew and haven't seen in years?

If so, did you ever figure out why it happened? Was it loneliness, curiosity, idealization, your brain filling in the gaps, or something else?

I'm genuinely trying to understand what's going on because I feel a bit delusional, and I don't know why my mind has latched onto someone I barely knew.

so ive been seein this girl for about a month. met her randomly off of tinder. day 1 SHE pulled up ON ME and SHE SCOOPED ME at like 3am... so off rip im thinkin ok this girl cool, she prolly tryna fuck, etc. thats all i thought of it at first..

so considering all that im interested and altho i (as the man) usually am the driver and planner, i decide this is diff and tbh if i just go w the flow then the ball is in her court unless if she literally passes it to me (as in her sayin, 'what u tryna do?' type shit). so that was my mindset, main plan being to "jus go with the flow.." also i was prepared for her to also just bail, stop replying, ghost, or hit me w "some unexpected event just occured, lets hangout another time," or jus for it to be some typa set up. i give her the address to a house down my street as if it was mine and i waited.

anyways back to what i was sayin... to my surprise, she pulls up right when she said she would all late, or early, however that goes (around 3am). Everything so far appears fine aside from 1 red flag, that is if i was seeing this girl as sum more than a hookup. That red flag was that she was coming to me after she was done hanging at the bar "with her homies." Instantly that made me raise an eyebrow but thats just my natural instinct when its a girl im goin for sum more with. at the time all it was in my head is im thinking we gonna fool around and its not nun serious,but for later in the story this changes. We stay local and she parks up in a walmart parking lot. Everything seemed green except her choice to park in the middle of the almost empty lot and her car being a fish bowl.

So i figured in my head "well cross that bridge when we get there" in reference to the fish bowl/parking spot and just autopilot as if its any other time w all green lights.... were in the creating small talk part of it and its going well, nothing too too crazy but definately better than an average convo. like i said she was cool. and she got bonus points in my boom also bc she is def a reverse catfish(looks much better irl than in photos, but i hesitate saying catfish bc she still looks good in photos).

Eventually we end up leaving. not before we actually end up fw w each other pretty heavily (not sexually, yet). But before i go on here are key moments/things thT happened/things said before we left...
• she has a 1 year old

• shes one of those girls that actually tough as shit but i still let her know she wasnt "tougher" than me, that is in a defensive way every time she playfully and physically attacked lol. that said, yes in that aspect we were physical

• she is "homeless" and her son stays w her mom

• she wouldnt aknowledge how i offered her to get a hotel room (for us, and respectfully if she didnt feel comfortable i still would get it for just her) multiple times in response to her complaint of sleeping in the car

• she thinks she knows how to choke a mf out n shit but shes just a tough cookie, she do got a mean bite and is competative bc again we ended up tussling (playfully) but her 1 advantage is her bite. mannn she left me w hella bite marks i tell ya. and i mean i KNOW that hella dudes would not have been cool w dat to the extent it was but my crazy/freaky/weird ass like that shit and it wasnt even a matter of keeping it playful, it just was that mutually. and i think she like that a lot lol

• she has some shit shes going through jus like everyone else but i think she (like a lot of people do, no judgment) puts her issues on a bit of a pedistal

• after one of our lil "battles" she just stayed layed up kinda in a awkward position but we both kinda chilled and the rest of the time were jus dozing off and carressing each other. ultimately falling asleep on n off for a couple hours i think it was.

again these are just some of the key takeaways and memories from the parking lot there was much more some of which I might not see is important right now and some of which I might have just forgotten some of which I may remember and some of which I may not remember

if ur still w me, thank you, shouldnt be too much more!

So we end up leaving and going to the gas station, i filled her tank up completely for her, and then it feels like we going for her to drop me off already (its like 9/10am)... i peeped she had her maps to my house in and when we get to my block she turned it off and kept goin. so then at this point in my head I'm thinking OK I need to propose something so this doesn't just die here. Not knowing what to do and not wanting to say that out loud I just randomly go wanna go on an adventure and then everything that I pretty much said when she asked about it was just me stalling as I was trying to figure something out. Now not only are we local still but we're in my little neighborhood again so we're good where we're at and she found this random parking lot that I told it was OK for us to park up in and she didn't give me too much of a straight answer to the adventure thing but she never said no and I didn't see it like that and so she says you're gonna have to try again with the adventure request if you want me to say yes. She also said I might take another nap I'm really tired I'm sorry and she was very apologetic for being tired but like I said at the beginning I'm going with the flow so I said all right and I kept telling her it's all good don't worry about it and as she was napping I was thinking of ideas and stuff.

So when she wakes up from her nap we go to McDonald's across the street I get food for us and we they're still talking and continuing your vibe that was literally just getting better and better I come to find out that she sometimes stays the night at her Homies's house or whatever and she said seems like all of her friends are guys like literally every single one so at this point it feels like it's still just the same hook up vibe but at the same time it feels like potentially me more I'm with that side even to this moment that I'm writing this to post on Reddit the only red flags about her are that for some reason she doesn't live with her mom and her son and that all her friends are guys and it seems like she's very much so around these guys but she swears that they're just Homies and mind you I never put her on the spot about it so when I say she swears it's not like she's like trying so hard to prove it but that's the type of vibe she paints when she talks about it in any context.

OK we're coming up to the end here because there's still a lot more to the story but the details going forward are pretty straightforward nothing too specific other than what it is so here it is

I have forgotten to mention she is 19 on this day that we hung out for the first time and by the second time we hung out she was 20 or she is now 20 and I am 24. I have a strong belief that in regards to personality and respect to a person I'm not gonna judge someone just cause they're younger or older than me but at the same time I think that that is also very relevant only in some parts of this whole thing which I will not point out but just keep that in mind I guess. So we decide that we're going to go to Dave & Buster's I also forgot to mention that this is on 4 July so this whole time I'm just waiting for her to hit me with "oh I have plans" or something and an abrupt ending to our hangout which again considering I just met her would've been totally cool and OK I would've understood. this never happened to my surprise.

although we're still on day one for telling the story where not far from being done here so again if you made it this far thank you and please bear with me..

So we go and get some alcohol and she got her own that I paid for as a gentleman but she got it on her own because I didn't provide her alcohol since she's not 21 and when I got in her car she already had alcohol so I'm not taking her responsibility for providing alcohol I'm just saying what happened lol. But yeah we got alcohol and we went to Dave & Buster's had a great time there. And actually I think she was having a better time than me at least until towards the end when she kind of paused and zoned out for a moment and then she came back to it and said "I'm sorry" and with a big smile on her face said "i just haven't been this happy in a really really long time." for me at least that was the moment things definitely took a turn and I'm not sure if I even realized you're not real time but we took some breaks to go to the car and drink a little I find out that she is on her period which definitely got in my head because then I was thinking what was her intention this whole time because she's not knowing that I'm a freak and I would have still hit it but I'd assume that she would assume that I as most probably wouldn't when the girls on her period. anyways I'm at this point wondering what's gonna happen next and it feels like now we're going to drop me off so I can propose going on a cruise down Lakeshore Drive(chicago) and remember it's the fourth so we get to Lakeshore and Lakeshore Drive is pretty much shut down not officially but just because you know it's Chicago and it's the fourth and everyone is outside. I'm talking people are getting out of their cars on the middle of Lakeshore not because there was a road closure just because people wanted to be outside for fireworks and stuff and it was pretty much a party on the highway or not the highway but on Lakeshore. Mind you up to this point there's a lot of conversation that I've left out and all of it is good conversation and we are only getting closer and closer and yes I'm still aware that I just met this girl. They got to the point though where she was the first one to do it but we're calling each other babe and honey and baby and all that and I know I just said this but again I'm aware that some people are just like that and shit but this vibe was good.

I don't really drink too much these days anymore but regardless of if I do or don't drink I'm always someone that can handle my shit but I'm also someone that if you know me long enough I have my moments and warning well I'm warning for me from that day one of my moments is coming. I had consumed a lot of alcohol even off of bottles from randoms on Lakeshore and stuff and at this point we're for sure heading back towards my house and in my head I'm thinking oh she's homeless she's cool as hell she's down for things we went and spent the whole Fourth of July on a fly together she'll probably be down to sleepover. Again I'm not she's on her period I'm a freak though and I'm not dirty I wouldn't do this with just any girl but she was definitely an exception like she hit the criteria for me.

We're getting off on the highway by my house and she spots the guy in a motorcycle he was being kind of crazy actually I might've spotted him first I'm not sure but clearly the dude liked her and he offered her a ride because she was showing interest in the motorcycle now although I'm saying all this shit I'm pretty aware and down to earth and I keep saying I just met her and respect to her because with that considered she still asked me she said is it cool if I take a quick ride with him and I told her yes but I'm going to be on your guys ass in your car. Oh I forgot to mention about myself that I'm a big Car guy and I sarcastically seriously say this I'm the best driver I know so I was being very serious when I said this and we had already talked about that she knew that. But she was ultimately very appreciative like very appreciative almost as if I was the one on the bike myself and we pull up to this gas station right by my house right off the highway and then the biker guy leaves then this is where things turn bad for day one which I somehow recovered from but that was out of my control I guess I got lucky when it comes to that.

So I forgot the exact order of how this next part go but it doesn't really matter I had pretty much at one point proposed to her to come sleep over she said no because she had already told her friend that she was going there her homie friend and she made it out to be like it was a thing of oh I already said I was going there so I have to go there now out of respect and at first I lightly tried pushing her to just come anyways but she wasn't going at least not easily I don't know if I would've kept pushing the issue if she would've but that's not like me I'm not gonna beg beg bag until you agree for my own respect but also out of respect of not being pushy type shit. Mind you at this point I'm also pretty fucked up and I don't even realize how fucked up I am I'm just seeing red because of this amazing time we just had this abrupt shitty ending. Nonetheless she did not want to leave me at the gas station she was planning on driving me home which was very close to that gas station but I figured I was so pissy but I wasn't showing it I think it was obvious I wasn't just blatantly showing it though. Im in a very salty tone I'll admit, I told her no I'm just gonna sit here at the gas station let me grab my shit and finally she said OK I grabbed my stuff grab my last cut water out of her car chugged it right in front of her and walking into the gas station where I was gonna go gamble the rest of the money I had on me on some slots.

I was being salty when I said that and I was almost saying it in a way of like oh wow you're really gonna just leave me here and again I'm pretty down to earth so I was ready for that to be the case it wasn't a Bluff it was more of a test that she failed at first but then kind of passed after. So she drives away and I'm just flabbergasted but nonetheless I walk into the gas station with a very weird empty feeling but I'm telling myself I just met her and it's whatever and even with that ending that it was still a good time and she's gonna do what she do I should just do what I do. so I walked into gamble all the machines are taken I walked to the next gas station over I put money in the machine almost fight a crackhead and at some point in between all this I find myself drunk texting her and this is where my memory starts getting foggy because I remember half of what happens next and I don't remember half of it like absolutely no recollection but obviously I'm just gonna speak on the parts that I do remember and then I'll tell you what happened from her telling me about it the next day.

I eventually decide I'm going to walk either home or around my neighborhood at like three in the morning. I don't know what's up with three in the morning time stamps but yeah it was three in the morning the next day at this point. And I was walking through alleys n on blocks saying very much out-of-pocket things like I was definitely in the wrong for the level I escalated it to which I don't remember getting to this level but I was saying things like oh of course you're gonna go sleep with your homie and oh I should've known and at one point I even thought she was with her homie and I'm starting to even say threats to him and it was really goofy of me because I find out with my own two eyes that she was definitely not with anyone and I say it's so confidently because she actually turned around when she realized I was what I was doing aside from texting her out-of-pocket things and I eventually found myself under a tree she finds me gets me in her car and brings me home.

So that's generally what I remember from that night apparently I was calling her the name of this other girl I used to talk to that kind of broke my heart not too long before which I have no memory of I'm very embarrassed of and I felt terrible about
. I made it a struggle to get me inside the house and I was trying to escape to my garage where I thought I had drugs and I told her that and even as drunk as I was and I do remember this part she was not cool with that. She told me that she wasn't gonna tell me what to do or that I should or shouldn't do drugs but that I shouldn't do drugs around her. Finally she gets me inside she make sure I'm good and then my mom starts coming downstairs and she meets my mom her and my mom go to another room and they talked and they actually in a weird way became pretty cool with each other out of this which I am not proud of the ending of that night but it worked out in that regard.

Anyway here we are at the end eventually she leaves I wake up the next morning hear all about this apologize and long story short she understood and was cool about it and we proceeded to hang out a few more times I even took her out on an actual formal date and we had sex the second time we hung out she was still on her period it was raw and everything was going good up until the other day. So her texting started becoming dry whereas before she would egg me on to keep texting and I would apologize for sending her so many texts a couple times but she was egging it on and told me not to apologizing that she liked it and then I should keep going. It got to a point where she was barely responding when before she would text me good morning and stuff I was never able to gauge if she was a texting person or not or any of that it was pretty inconsistent the whole time and then the other day she didn't really respond to me at all and I sent her a text saying not again referencing my not so good luck with women lately which again that's another thing me and her had talked about so it wasn't like I just randomly said that and she just pretty much was telling me I just got my own shit and that it's not me it's not me at all she doesn't see anything bad about me and that it's on her and that she has identity issues and post teen issues. Which I'm guessing she means from just turning 20. oh and by the way when we had sex she was already 20 and she had even joked well at least you didn't fuck a teenager. Which made me kind of uncomfortable but also was kind of funny.

One other key thing is that she I don't think is even homeless she just kind of says that which kind of supports my case of she overdramatize her problems. I'm not gonna ever tell her that though because For all i know I'm wrong but that's just what it seems like. And when I say never I mean at least on the terms that we are right now like if I in the future end up dating her and we're really close and stuff then yeah I would tell her stuff like that but I'm just saying reference to like what it is right now. But not yeah she's not homeless she lives with her friend her Homie which is a guy and there's only always guys there. And she even be fighting them I guess I don't think that there's any of the biting included but she's definitely a little bit of a tomboy especially when it comes to that and I'm trying to tell myself that that's all it is because that's all I know I haven't seen anything other I haven't heard anything other to think anything other but you know how it is it's almost impossible to actually fully believe that.

Another key thing is that I think my mom knows more about her life than I do and neither of them tell me any of that but I play a long game I'm very observant I'm definitely more down to earth than both of them again I wouldn't say that to them but like that I know for a fact unlike the overdramatizing her problems thing I know for a fact that I'm more aware than both of them are and I don't think they realize that I'm more aware of that than they think. Like the day I took her on a date I kind of brought up that it feels like my mom knows more about you than me and she was saying something that reassured that but she was trying to think be slick and I don't think she realized how not she was but I didn't say anything further I just peeped it and noted it in my head but even that though felt reassuring in the sense that oh this girl is cool with my mom which I'm not used to.

but yeah now she said that she was going through things and that she didn't know about our status or whatever and that she just has a lot going on and that I should do whatever I think is better for me and that was after me pretty much telling her like hey I'm gonna just give you your space let me know when you don't want space anymore if that ever comes to be and it seemed like she wasn't trying to have me just go dark on her so that's what she responded with do whatever you think feels better and then I gave her what I thought was a very low pressure response saying OK I'm here for you like how much time we need to take or whatever however like just pretty much selling her I'm in her corner and then the next day her response was OK then don't do whatever you want which I completely was thrown off by and then ultimately I just said what I had originally said again that all right I'll leave you alone to figure out what you need to figure out and shit and that's pretty much where we stand right now but that again came out of nowhere this vibe changed came out of nowhere and we only knew each other for like a month I get that but I just don't get this sudden switch consider considering how good it was going. and this wouldn't be the first time that something very similar with girls has happened so even if there's something that you guys see from me that I'm not seeing please let me know because I've noticed the only thing that I noticed is that I'm the common factor when it comes to that I'm pretty sure. I've tried to give the narcissistic explanation of all these girls are the same but it's kind of impossible

and very last thing per her words the status we were on was that we were gonna take things slow and watch it slowly turned into becoming lovers

I don't know but yeah please can someone give me insight and help me out?

I want to understand how ur feelings go away in day… like do u know before only that ur feelings are fading and one more thing even if feelings are not there would u be with that girl if u have spent generous amount of time or commited or if she was there for ur worst time … or u dont care once the feelings are gone u just dont care about that person

I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago because our relationship felt empty I was constantly waiting, hesitating, and putting in effort while he remained emotionally unavailable.

But here’s what scared me: After the breakup, I sat down and realized something I’d never noticed before.

I have never, not once in my life, been without a romantic interest in someone. From childhood to now, there’s always been a crush, a situationship, or a full relationship. When one was ending, I was already looking for the next. But this time around I’m making a decision to not go that route of finding another man and I’m struggling because this is the only thing I know but it’s also so destructive to me cause I’m basically stuck in the same relationship with different men.

And I realized why: I don’t get dopamine from being alone or doing things for myself.

My business? I’m only motivated when I imagine a man seeing it. My apartment? I got it because I wanted my boyfriend to see me as successful. Every major decision factors in how it will look to a man.

I’m 28 and I’m terrified I’m incapable of living for myself of doing anything without being watched or validated by a man.

I also lost most friendships in my early 20s and have been isolated working from home, so I have almost no female community. I know that looks like a red flag, and it is but it’s because I’m isolated, not because I’m a bad person.

So I’m asking: Has anyone else experienced this? How did you learn to live for yourself? How do you get motivated to build without a man’s attention?

I recreationally use cocaine, drink, engage in drug use, but I don’t “think” I’m an addict because I can abstain from everything when I need to focus (I’m in grad school). However, I’ve also been told there’s a thing called, “functioning addicts” so I really couldn’t tell you. Meeting someone i genuinely like and then seeing them romantically gives me a better high than when I do a bump. I feel their skin against mine and it’s better than any other drug I’ve done. Ive became physically intimate with a coworker of mine. We essentially go on dates and if it were anyone looking from the outside in it would look like we were in a relationship.
I’ve had this reoccurring pattern over the years with women where I basically treat them like my girlfriend without the title because I could never see them as someone I’d seriously be with but I “play pretend” when we go out. It always leads to them inevitably catching feelings. I cop out and say I disclosed with them in the beginning that I wouldn’t want anything serious and televise myself of all liability. I didn’t lie but as I get older I definitely feel guilty of leading them on.
I become obsessed with them stalking them on social media, i over analyse every move they make, I become incredibly emotional when they aren’t obsessed with me even though I don’t want anything serious with them.
This coworker and I do coke togeyher regularly, sleep togeyher, drink together, we’re currently planning a trip together which ive done with other women in the past who I don’t see any future with.
I need to say “I love you” to finish in bed with women, even one night stands.
Someone tell me if there’s something wrong with me. Is it me just being a normal 25 year old male, is it love addiction, is it just being selfish?

Trigger Warning: This is a long read, but it’s a true story and I hope whoever takes the time to read this journey can learn something from it or can help them feel less alone. I can't sugar coat it, this story has some painful and heartbreaking moments but also some beautiful ones. I wasted years of my 20s beating myself up over my love life, and last night something in my heart told me that the best way to let go of the past is to write it all out. So, for those who do read my story, I truly thank you so much, this was very hard to write, let alone post.

The 4 Lessons

Love: We love it, we hate it, we envy those who have it. But no matter what standing you might have on it, we all yearn for it at some point in our lives, it’s what makes us human.

“Wow, that’s so wise, you must have a good love life?”

Fuck no, my love life is shit. I’m just writing this as a form of venting about what I experienced in case it can help someone who experienced heartbreak or who is also yearning for love again. As cinematic as it might seem, the following story is true, and it shaped me into who I am today.

That being said, who am I deny that love exists?  In my case, love came into my life in the form of four women who ultimately became four lessons.

 

Vanessa- Lesson 1

Vanessa was my first actual long-term relationship. I never had a serious one before I met her, I had short 1 month- 2-month girlfriends in high school, but that shit was never serious.  

Anyway, I met Vanessa during my first year in community college, about three months in. In my hometown, many of the people I partied with in high school and other acquaintances I met during parties all went to the same community college. My hometown was so small that everyone practically knew each other.  So, in way, it felt very comfortable and fun. I was heading out to leave the lunch area when she “accidently” bumps into me.

She jokingly says, “Watch where you’re walking” in a heavy New York accent.  I swear she was so beautiful, Latina with brown hair and gorgeous brown eyes, she used to live in the Bronx area of New York which is the reason why she sounded like one of the ninja turtles.  But man, she was so stunning to me, I couldn’t believe this girl was hitting on me. It should’ve been the opposite, right? (Well get back to this later)

 

I ended up getting her Instagram and phone number and then I asked if she's down to get food. Theres a Chinese buffet a few minutes down the road from the community college so we decided to smoke a joint and go there after class.  When we got back from the buffet and I took her back to the parking lot, we locked eyes for a second and immediately went feral for each other’s lips. Man, I’m telling you, we couldn’t stop kissing: she even started biting my lips and told me they tasted like carne asada. Which in the moment was insane but very sexy to hear, who was this girl from the Bronx? Why is she so perfect? After we were done, we parted ways and I couldn’t stop smiling on the way back home.

A few weeks later, we started talking and hanging out more. It got to the point where she requested a one week break to see if “she really does like me” We weren’t dating, but when she asked I felt a little hurt, but I accepted her wish. Feelings were starting to grow, and I thought she might be the one.

 Fast forward to the next month. We gave in and finally started dating. I was so happy with vanessa.  We would party together, smoke together, go to the movies, and sometimes go on road trips or visit museums. I’d had one-night stands before, but the sex and love I made with this girl was so fucking intense that it didn’t feel like anything else.  The deeper our relationship went the crazier the sex got. We had drunk sex, sex on the couch, sex in the bathroom, high sex where we really went feral, and quiet sex when she would visit me at my parents’ house so we wouldn’t wake anyone up.  But man… the times when nobody was home … Maybe it was because I was in love for the first time in my life and never had consistent sex with someone, but I was so addicted to it that all her red flags sailed away without me even noticing.

Anyway, it got to the point where she met my parents and slept over from time to time. We had our fights and shared moments of jealousy. I used to be pissed when I saw her being friendly with other guys. I had hints of her having a past based on the men around us who knew her, approached her, and then looked at me in a smirky way.  But in the end, I didn’t care. Vanessa made me happy, and I hadn’t felt that feeling before in my life, the love that I felt for her was so inspirational it gave me a high without needing any substances. One of my favorite hobbies was going to the movies with her. We loved going to the movies, we would get stoned and see almost every horror or action film that came out on a weekly basis.  She even made me watch Greys anatomy with her; we also took shrooms once. She had a terrible fucking trip, but in the meanwhile, I chemically felt so in love with her even then.

Time flies by and we are now dating for 3 years.   We both completed the community college two-year program and ended up going to the same university. During our time there, she meets a new friend, Raquel, who encourages her to hang out with her and her group of friends. I joined a fraternity at the time, so I also spent time hanging out and partying with my friends, and I thought it was fair to let her do the same. Besides, we lived together in my dorm like room, so we would always come back together at the end of the night, and I loved her so much to never even think about cheating.

Unfortunately, this is the point when our story starts to take a terrible turn. One early morning before Vanessa and I head out to a local beach trip, I get a call from one of my close friends, it is about 9:30am in the morning, so I was assuming it had to be something serious.   I answer and he immediately says, “I’m sorry I’m telling you this, but you got to break up with her bro, you have to dead that shit immediately” My heart is pounding and I can hear the seriousness and concern is tone. I ask him why. He tells me that his girlfriend is friends with vanessa and Raquel’s friend group and that Vanessa has been seen making out with another guy and being out with him multiple times and this has been happening for months.  I thanked him, and the phone call ended. I can’t breathe; I felt as if the whole world went silent and the only thing I hear is my heart beating.  I confront her about it, and she becomes defensive, saying that my friend’s girlfriend is jealous of her and Raquel’s friend being friends, she says that they never kissed out and my friend’s girlfriend used to date the guy, and she is only saying bull shit to mess things up. At this point idk what to say, I remain quiet, but I let my love for her get the best of me and we continue with our beach trip. For the first time in my life, I questioned who I was really dating.

A couple of months passed by and I'm out at the bar with my fraternity brothers, but for some reason, something in my heart and mind is telling me to go to another college local bar that we all frequent, even my girlfriend. I leave alone, intoxicated. I go to the bar and while looking at the window I see my girlfriend dancing with the guy friends in the friend group that my friend and his girlfriend warned me about.  In a blind drunk rage, I cussed her and the other guy out through the window. Raquel (her best friend from earlier) who is also there, comes out to calm me down.  And then, one of the guys from the friend group comes out to do the same. When I let my guard down and apologize, he punches me. The other friends in the friend group soon rushed out and started jumping me, there were about 4 of them so I had no choice but to run while I was getting jumped. I ended up getting a cut on my eyebrow, a cut that never went away even till this day, I see the mark on my eyebrow from that night. I saw people in the street recording and laughing at me. Looking back, I’m surprised I survived to tell this part of the story without harming myself.  That same night I told my fraternity brothers what happened and they ended up driving to vanessas friend’s house to fight them, due to one of them somehow getting my phone number and taunting me by giving out their address for a “rematch”.

The next day, word gets out, and my friend who warned me about vanessas friend group and her actions, defends me on twitter, because one of the guys who jumped me was on their bragging about it.  They then posted the video of me getting punched without showing the rest, making it seem like I never got jumped.  I have never felt so embarrassed and shocked in my life. I secretly became a laughingstock by that group and other people from my college because of the video. Of course, my friends knew I got jumped, but when it comes to the reactions of others on social media, they only believe what’s shown to them.   

Later that night Vanessa takes me to a random restaurant and tells me that she can’t be seen with me and that I embarrassed her due to being insecure.  Later that night, we still have sex, but I know the passion that we once had isn’t there anymore.  The next morning when I drop her off at class, she wears a hat and pretends like she doesn’t know me. I then see her bump into a friend that I have, and he approaches her by grabbing her hands, as If they have history together. She ignores him and he looks confused. I look at him in my car and in my mind, I decide if what I’m thinking is true, I am beating the shit out of him next time I see him. I question vanessa about him, she continued to say she doesn’t know and never had sex with him, and I can “believe what I want to believe”.

A few weeks later, the semester finished and I headed home. Vanessa and I are still dating, but you can tell that something is off. During my time back home, I ended up missing her.  We still talked via facetime as she stayed in the college town due to renting a room from a family friend.  One night when we were on face time, I noticed her getting ready, it was almost 1am at the time and it didn’t make sense to me, but I ignored it. The next morning around 10:00am I get a text message from vanessa that she accidently sent to me that was meant for Raquel, the text message said “I went over his house, but I told him we couldn’t have sex because I was on my period”

I couldn’t stop crying, I was so fucking pissed. I immediately replied with question marks, and she said it meant for me with laughing emojis. I didn’t respond. She then sent a barrage of paragraphs saying that I’m insecure and that she doesn’t care what I think, that she would never cheat on me and that she hopes she still sees me soon. Paragraph after paragraph she sent, I couldn’t find the words to respond to her.

 The next day, I drove to the guy’s house, the one who jumped me with her friends. As soon as I arrived, I saw her car out front. I contemplate whether I should knock on his door or go inside. I call my friend (the one who warned me about her and her new friend group) and tell him what I witnessed. He told me not to go in there, that it’s dangerous and that the time for revenge will come, but not now.  I walked to vanessas car and left flowers and a notecard that I bought for her on her windshield. I then sent a pic of it to her and her best friend Raquel.  Raquel immediately calls me and tells me she’ll be outside the guy’s house in a few minutes and meet her down the block. When I meet with Raquel, I show her the text, Raquel then confesses that me and vanessa are toxic and really need to break up.

Later that night, Vanessa comes to my place. She says sorry and tells me that she did kiss him, but they never had sex. She said she felt out of place with me and that kiss just happened because she was drunk and not herself.  I felt so betrayed, but when I looked in her eyes all I could see was the girl from the Bronx who I fell in love with a few years ago in community college. I then gave in, and we had sex. I know, stupid right?

Later at 3:00am, I got the urge to go their phone. Vanessa was lowkey slow and her passcode for everything was “0000”. I go through her phone  and unfortunately as I prepared for, I saw everything. Her messages with Raquel joking about the day she accidentally sent me the text for the guy she cheated on me with, Raquel urging her to continue to deny no matter what. I saw the tweets that her and Raquel dmed each other, vanessa joking about her sex life with the other guy. And then I saw what truly tore me apart, her messages with the guy she cheated on me with. Them joking about how good their sex was, them talking about the moments they caught feelings for each other during a saint patty’s festival, the same pictures she sent to me, were also sent to him. The moment they were in Raquel’s bed listening to drake together Fuck man, I wouldn’t wish that moment on anyone. I took multiple pictures of everything for evidence. Enraged, I kicked her out and the relationship ended.  She tried to reach out to me a few days after and then eventually sent me a message saying that she knew someone who could hurt me if I decided to expose her. I haven’t talked to or seen vanessa ever since. But the effect she had on me lasted for the rest of my life.  Why was her portion of this story so long? Because we dated for 3 years, and the pain I endured with her wasn’t enough for a few sentences.

Jane

It was the summer after I broke up with Vanessa. I was devastated; I couldn’t look at any couple or watch any romance scenes without getting depressed. It was a shitty time for me. When I went out on vacation with my family, I was too depressed to enjoy time with them. Then one day during my sad summer, one of my friends, Jane, texted me, informing me that she had come to our hometown as she was on break from the nursing program she was in for studying abroad.

Jane and I were friends before I dated Vanessa. We had never met in person, but we followed each other on social media. I remembered replying to her story about a party we both went to, and we became close friends ever since, telling each other everything. When Vanessa and I broke up, I vented to her, and she was there for me, making me feel better.

We finally met. She was much shorter in person, but beautiful of Filipina descent—she just came from there, but she still had a minor accent which I found very funny and attractive. We decided to smoke a joint on my front porch as I made a joke about us being in her neighborhood and never leaving, due to how gullible she was while stoned—for a second, she really believed it. Later that night, we smoked another joint at the local river by her actual neighborhood. We looked at the stars while she played a Jhené Aiko song and told me the lore behind it—how Jhené had had a terrible trip and wrote the song about it. I don’t know what caused it, but we looked each other in the eyes and kissed. My heart fluttered; I don’t know why, but it felt so good with her, so we continued. We laughed, and then suddenly saw a white fox a couple of feet away from us. It was scary, but beautiful at the same time. It then ran away, and Jane and I wondered if it was a symbol. To this day, I still do. I then gave her a ride home, we kissed one more time before I dropped her off, and I didn’t see her again until years later.

Talia: Lesson 2

Two years after Vanessa and I ended things; I was a mess. I had hookups and a couple of one-night stands, but they were never initiated by me; it was either a girl who came on to me at a party, or I got lucky meeting someone through Tinder and Instagram DMs. I didn’t put myself out there. I felt ugly and lost all my confidence. I didn’t know how to talk to women and just felt so shitty. I ruined many chances of sleeping with very hot women, but I was never present enough to catch the signs due to my depression. This led to many people thinking I was secretly gay, which only made me more depressed.

Anyway, I went to the club one night with a couple of friends who had a table. While drinking and having a fun time, I saw her: the most gorgeous Middle Eastern girl I’d ever seen. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her, and she stared back. It was like that scene from The Lost Boys, but creepier. After a solid two hours of eye contact, I approached her and asked for her Snapchat—really fucking cringey now that I think about it. She gave it to me, and I started replying to her stories. We flirted, and one day I invited her to get sushi, which she agreed to.

Another night, we ran into each other at the same club and decided to get food together with her friends. We ended up back at her place and went at it. Unfortunately, I performed horribly due to "whiskey dick," but she told me it was okay. The next morning, we woke up cuddling. I said fuck that, went to the mirror, and brushed my teeth—this could not be my first impression. I went back to bed, we cuddled, and we went at it again. This time it was so different. We didn’t just fuck; we made love, and it was so beautiful and intense, something I hadn't felt in a while. It didn’t feel like any other one-night stand; we fucked that morning like we had been married for years.

We then became addicted to each other. I would come over almost every week, and we would fuck after smoking, after the bar, or during late-night calls. One day she had brunch and told me to come over, and we had shower sex. That’s when I knew what we had wasn't normal, and that it wasn’t just casual as I thought it was. She asked me, “If I felt that?” At the time, I didn’t know she meant feelings.

A year passes, and we unknowingly become a situationship. Her friend would frequently tell me to date her, and another friend who was close with her told me she was in love with me. But because of Vanessa, I was an asshole. I ignored her feelings and just went over for sex. It got to the point where we became on and off; we would go months without talking and argued in between. Of course, she had sex with people in between, and of course, I got jealous of her talking to anyone—you know I was toxic at the time. I let the pain Vanessa put me through unleash on Talia.

One night at the club, while I was drunk and she was there with friends, I told Talia that I missed her and loved her. The next day, we resumed having sex. We had been in a situationship for two years.

One week, she let me and my puppy live with her for a week because my roommate forgot to pay the power bill. She helped walk and feed my dog while we both worked at the local shelter. We then decided to take things seriously and finally talk, calling each other "baby." We had a beautiful moment when we went on a hike with my dog (who was a puppy at the time), smoked a joint, and admired the woods.

When the semester ended and she had to move back, she cried due to being stressed about getting into a medical program. I comforted her, told her she was the smartest person I knew, and that she would get in. We then embraced each other and made love. That was the last time we did.

That summer, we got into an argument because she told me that she broke up with her ex-boyfriend over religion—she couldn’t marry someone who wasn’t Muslim. I became mad and asked her if sleeping with a certain demographic like mine was a fetish, not knowing how hurtful it sounded. She then ended things with me.

Years passed, and I missed her. I regretted everything I put her through: I regretted not taking her to get sushi like I promised, I regretted taking her to the movies with the promise of food and failing to follow through, and I regretted all the times I made her cry and treated her like a side piece when she was the closest thing to a girlfriend I had. I regretted seeing videos on her friend's Snapchat stories of her venting to people about me, and her subliminal messages on her story about, “If he won’t, someone else will.”

I sent her multiple messages, all of which were ignored, until one day she replied and agreed to have closure with me. I thought I won her back. We met up at a local mall. She got her hair done and looked so beautiful from the last time I saw her; people would pass us by and admire us like we were a sexy couple. We had shawarma and talked. She told me how I hurt her and led her on, and I apologized. She then told me how she told her stylist she was meeting up with her “ex”—my heart skipped a beat, as I didn’t know she saw me that way. She then told me about a guy she slept with in hopes of getting me jealous (and it worked). She even told me how she used shows we used to watch together, like Nathan for You and Friends from College, as prompts for Hinge—those were the two shows we binge-watched during our humbler moments, and we had even watched the entire Purge series together.

We then left. I confessed to her that I had always loved her but let what Vanessa did to me ruin that. I told Talia I still loved her, even though she would never feel the same way. She quickly tore up, fighting back a tear for a few seconds; nothing came out, but I know what I said unlocked a feeling she had been trying to suppress at the moment. She softly attempted to hold my hand, but stopped and said, "Who knows, maybe we’ll meet again in the future."

I haven’t seen her since. I would message Talia from time to time, deeply yearning for her, missing her, apologizing, but she never once replied. In the end, she was good to me, and I ruined the person who was potentially the love of my life without realizing it. I still think about her to this day. I wonder if she graduated from that medical program she was in; I hope she did, because she deserves the world. The last thing I heard was that she was dating a very humble guy. I’m happy for her, even though it hurts how much I miss her and want her back. Talia deserves to be happy, no matter what the cost of that might look like.

Jane Part 2: Lesson 3

A few years later, I graduated college. I was lonely, but I hung out with friends who distracted me while I lived with one of my parents. Jane moved back and told me she was dating someone, but things were confusing at the time because he was giving mixed signals. Either way, I was happy for her and happy to see her. We decided to hang out and go to a party event in the city. We ended up getting drunk at the party, laughed, and caught up as we observed all the funny moments and people around us. I missed her so much; she really was my best friend.

When we got back, she asked to crash at my place since she was too drunk to drive. I agreed 100 percent. As we lay on my bed, she thanked me for a good time. Then it happened again: we embraced each other and kissed, and then we went to bed. The next morning, we woke up and kissed again, this time dry humping. I asked her if she was sure, she said yes, and we had sex. That’s when it all started.

We started hanging out more, partied together, and I even met some of her coworkers. I eventually moved into my own place, as did she. We started having sex more frequently. To me, it didn’t feel like we were doing anything wrong; we were both acting on a love that we had felt for each other for many years. Was it wrong? Yes, she had someone, but in the moment, we were so addicted to each other that we didn’t care. The sex was so good it was like nothing I had felt in a long time. For the first time, I really felt like my soulmate was my best friend this whole time.

Time passed, and Jane told me we had to stop because she had gotten engaged to her boyfriend, and what we were doing was wrong. We talked about how hypocritical it was because Vanessa had put me through the exact same thing, and now I was just the side guy. We had a huge conversation and agreed to take some time away from each other, and we haven’t done anything sexually ever since.

We then had moments where we would talk for a year, and then she would ghost me after. We still talked like friends, but feelings were still involved as some conversations turned into us missing being inside each other. I loved Jane. We met once to have happy hour and reminisce; being respectful, I didn’t try anything even though it was on our minds. Eventually, she ghosted me again the week before New Year's, and we haven’t talked since.

As time passed, I found myself hurt and back at square one. I would fumble chances with women again due to not being present, and the gay rumors returned. What fucked me up was that I was far from gay; I just let my past depress me to the point where I can’t catch hints anymore. In a way, I was a grown toddler learning to ride a bike again. The only time in that period that I slept with someone was if the person was a girl from my past who I slept with before, or who I happened to bump into late at night at the club, or a girl who replied to a lonely late-night text. But most of the time I was deeply depressed; I would watch my friends get off, watch strangers dance and kiss each other at the clubs I went to. My hangovers on Sundays were so depressing because the only thing on my mind was love, yearning for something I wish I had. Yearning for words I wish I said to the many women I fumbled due to not being present and acting in time.

Jane, to me, was the right person, wrong timing. She was my best friend and the love of my life at the same time. I once told her that maybe we are still drawn to each other because we are together in another universe. And with that, I am somewhat okay with that being the closure I need. Still, I wonder what seeing that white fox at the lake that night with her meant.

Annabelle — Lesson 4

I met Annabelle in college. She was half Mexican and half Filipina, and I used to see her at local parties and on social media before we met. This was a year after Vanessa and before I met Talia. We had a social work class together, and I couldn’t figure out what I admired more about her: her immense beauty or her passion for social justice. It pulled me to her; she was such a breath of fresh air, and I couldn’t help but like her. We exchanged numbers during class and would text each other about assignments, with me attempting horribly to flirt. One day in math class, I saw her wave at me and look excited to see me. At the time, I didn’t see it as a sign that she felt the same way about me, but man, it made me happy seeing that.

A couple of months after, I asked her one time in a message if I ever had the chance to win her heart. She told me I had it at a point and didn’t do anything.

Fast forward again. We talked from time to time, and I still threw in subtle flirts, but it didn’t end anywhere. Fast forward again—we are both much older now and pushing 30. I still messaged her, and we talked from time to time, but this time we sent each other funny tweets or posts about movies, something we were both passionate about as cinephiles.

One day, after a conversation about films, I flirted. She joked about how cringe it was and said I met her at a very avoidant time in her life. I told her that I understood and that I always saw her as beautiful inside and out. She liked the message and agreed to get food and hang out to see an upcoming horror movie that we had previously discussed. The day after my confession, we talked every day—about film, TV, our families, and our roots. I bought the tickets, and she appeared very happy and excited, talking about places to eat and hang out before showtime. It was beautiful; I really thought I won her heart.

Suddenly, she stopped texting me and ghosted me. She went weeks before the date ghosting me, sending random Twitter or IG reels on random days in between without replying to my responses after just two of my sentences. I was confused. Was she going to stand me up? A week before the date, she sent a message saying she got sick and may or may not go, but would let me know because she really wanted to go. In my head, I was devastated; I felt like she gave up on me or I did something wrong.

The day before the movie, she told me she felt better, and my heart jumped with joy. I got a haircut and bought her flowers. I picked her up and took her to the center where the movie theater is; before we parked, I surprised her with the flowers and told her it reminded me of the roses she posted on her story, and I wanted to match the colors. We had a short dinner, then got dessert at another shop while talking about each other's lives and cinema. At the cinema, we both ordered ICEEs that she agreed to buy. However, the ICEE machine was down. She then had a cute A24 moment when she said we should fill up an ICEE cup with soda and see how far it goes up—to the top of the ICEE circle lid. It was very whimsical of Annabelle to say that, but I found it so beautiful; it made me fall for her even more. During the movie, I awkwardly attempted to hold hands with her, and it worked for a short while though.

We left and talked about the movie. When I dropped her off, she bit her lips as I looked at her and proceeded to reach in the back of my car to grab the flowers. I wonder if she was waiting for me to kiss her... Idk, I'm a dumbass low-key. We talked the day after, and then she ghosted me again a few days later. Man, it hurt. I felt led on and questioned if it was her being avoidant. I was really hurt.

A few months after, I decided to focus on myself. I watched movies on my own again, started hitting the gym a lot more, resumed reading, started embracing the present, and saw a lot of foreign romance films from Wong Kar-wai and other directors. I logged these on Letterboxd, where Annabelle also follows me. I saw the movie Perfect Days, and it taught me the concept of komorebi, which I ended up getting tattooed on the same day. I then learned to appreciate the present a lot more; I embraced my family, my dog, my friends, my hobbies, and my confidence somewhat. And eventually, I muted Annabelle's stories and lived my life.

Do I still miss her? Yeah, kind of. It hurts that she ghosts me, but she taught me never to chase anyone that doesn’t feel the same way. I liked Annabelle—almost loved her—because she was just like me: an awkward cinephile nerd. I just thought she was the one as we had years of knowing each other. I thought we would’ve had a love life like the movies, but I was wrong. She practically became my 500 Days of Summer, and that’s the closest movie to describe what she did to me.

Lessons Learned

As of now, I still think about love and the four lessons that love taught me: Vanessa taught me that love can also involve betrayal and that not everyone is pure. Talia taught me not to take a good thing for granted by inflicting unnecessary hurt from the past on someone who doesn’t deserve it. Jane taught me that sometimes love can come in the form of "right person, wrong timing," and that fate has an interesting way of showing you that. Annabelle taught me why you never chase. My mom always told me, “Las cosas siempre pasan por una razón,” which translates in Spanish to everything happens for a reason. With this philosophy, it gave me the strength to truly look back and reflect on my love life, and instead of letting it hurt me, I decided to let it teach me instead of break me. The past is the past; all you can do is learn from it because, like my mom said, in the future you will finally see why those things happened.

Looking back, I realize something now:

In order to understand what love truly is, you must experience both sides of love, the joy and the heartbreak, to understand how to give it right.

Love isn’t perfect. It can build you up and tear you down. But if you let it teach you instead of hardening you, it will shape you into someone capable of real love.

That’s where I am now. I’m not bitter, I’m just growing. I’m learning to be more confident, to embrace my personality and those around me who love me: God, my family, friends, and dog. I’m learning to be more present.

So, if you’re ever asking yourself what love really is, what makes someone your soulmate?

It’s not about finding someone perfect; it’s about finding someone who makes love feel close to perfect, even when life isn’t. And when it comes back around, you’ll know you'll be ready. Life is full of lessons, and sometimes when it comes to love, it comes in four.

I sensed his feelings were more for her from the first mention of her name. After a year and over 60 lunches alone with her, he finally told me he developed feelings for her and they were intense. He confessed his feelings to her 3 times before he told me the truth. In fact, that’s how we stumbled across the word limerence, because he said he felt possessed by the devil and couldn’t stop thinking of her morning, noon and night. Now it’s been 1 1/2 years with healthy boundaries in place still working with her in a small office. She is the “princess locked in the tower” archetype, where she is always the victim of her circumstances who
needs saving. She is going through another health crisis at the moment and was vulnerable about it with my husband in his office alone. Do I need to worry that limerence will make a comeback for him? I am still not completely over the first emotional betrayal. Getting hit by it again may floor me.

Okay so im struggling with limerence. Its like I cannot stop thinking about them and crying because Idk what do to. My brain is wired to think about them alllll day and its draining me. ive talked to them about my feeling they say okay yet im back where i started. I need help and advice before i deal with it in the WORST way.

Hi, so I (28f) have recently learned there is a term for something I have experienced with having intense and obsessive crushes on ppl who probably want nothing to do with me. It’s called limerence. I also am diagnosed with ADHD and apparently we are more susceptible to experiencing limerence.

I have experienced it badly 3 times in my life. Once in high school with a guy in my friend group. Once last year with a guy whom i shared one amazing night with and its now happening again with a guy i recently hooked up with who hasnt texted or called since.

Honestly i think its when the other person doesnt show much interest in me when I thought we had a good time together and i assumed they would want to see me again. It’s like my ego just cant take the rejection. I start to obsess and think about them all the time. I want to keep reaching out even tho they never text me first. I fantasize about randomly running into them in public and what i would say to them. It takes up too much space in my brain.

For others who have struggled with limerence, what are some healthy coping mechanisms?

In the past i was only able to move on from these feelings when i met someone else who actually was interested in dating me. But I don’t want to date someone now just to forget about the other guy. I want to cope with it on my own.

When I was 17, I met a guy and fell for him at first sight. We started talking and it went on for a while, but he was never that interested in me. Over time, I became obsessed with him. I texted him a lot, probably too much, and wanted something with him so badly.
At some points, I felt like there was some kind of connection because every now and then he would do or say things that gave me hope. I even wrote an entire novel about him. But then he got a girlfriend (they’re not together anymore).
Eventually, he blocked me everywhere because I couldn’t let go and I kept trying to contact him. That’s where it ended.
The problem is that it’s been 4 years now. I can’t think about my future or imagine anything in life without imagining him there too. Nobody has ever come close to making me feel the way he did.
I know this sounds ridiculous, stupid, or even crazy, but I genuinely feel some sort of connection to him and I can’t explain it. I want him on a level that feels almost painful.
Please don’t give me the usual advice like: “move on,” “work on yourself,” “stay busy,” “you’re romanticizing him,” “ignore him,” etc. I’ve heard all of that for four years. I’ve already tried basically everything people normally suggest, and none of it has helped.
I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m going to get sick from this. I need a different explanation, different advice, or at least to hear from someone who has experienced something similar.
Has anyone ever gone through something like this? Please, I really need help.

Hi, I'm a 27 year old man. how do I completely remove the desire to love or want love completely from my brain (talking specifically in terms of romance) . I want only scientific answers, no religious stuff plz.

I don't know what I actually want anymore.

When I imagine my future, I see myself traveling, living alone, and doing my own thing. I enjoy my own company, and too much social interaction stresses me out. I don't really want close friendships or relationships because I don't like the responsibility that comes with them.

But then I'll randomly start craving a romantic relationship, marriage, and even kids, even though I don't think I truly want that life.

Right now, I just want to focus on myself: my health, finances, and personal growth. How do I stop craving a relationship and be content on my own? Has anyone else felt this way?

About a year ago, I met a woman at my gym.

At first it was nothing.

A few glances here and there.

You know how it starts.

You notice someone.

Then you notice them noticing you.

Then suddenly you’re looking forward to seeing them again.

For days we exchanged glances. Nothing crazy, just enough to make me curious.

The problem was that I had very little experience with women, and I came from a conservative background where I wasn’t always sure how to interpret attention.

Eventually I decided to approach her.

I was terrified.

My heart was racing.

I rehearsed what I would say a hundred times.

But I did it.

To my surprise, she seemed happy I approached.

She smiled.

She asked questions back.

The conversation flowed naturally.

I walked away feeling amazing.

For the first time in a long time, I felt hope.

Over the following weeks we would talk occasionally at the gym.

Sometimes we’d laugh.

Sometimes we’d train near each other.

Sometimes we’d end up talking for much longer than I expected.

I remember leaving the gym smiling like an idiot.

Those small moments became the highlight of my week.

At some point I asked for her number.

She smiled and said:

“Next time.”

I’m a very direct and logical person.

I took that literally.

To me, “next time” meant exactly that.

Not maybe.

Not no.

Just later.

So my hope grew.

I thought things were moving forward.

We continued talking.

We laughed together.

We had what felt like genuine connection.

Then eventually I asked again.

This time she declined.

Politely.

No drama.

No cruelty.

No humiliation.

Just a rejection.

The problem wasn’t her answer.

The problem was what happened inside my head afterward.

Because instead of accepting it, I started trying to explain it.

Maybe she’s shy.

Maybe she’s scared.

Maybe she likes me but isn’t ready.

Maybe she needs more time.

Maybe.

That word became poison.

The rejection should have been the end of the story.

Instead it became the beginning of limerence.

For the next several months, I analyzed everything.

Every smile.

Every glance.

Every interaction.

Every coincidence.

If she was friendly, I saw hope.

If she wasn’t, I felt crushed.

My emotions became completely dependent on things that probably meant nothing.

I wasn’t living my life anymore.

I was living inside my head.

I built entire futures with someone I barely knew.

I imagined dates.

Relationships.

Road trips.

Conversations.

A future together.

The crazy thing is that none of it was real.

The feelings were real.

The future wasn’t.

I started noticing how much power this situation had over me.

A good interaction could make my week.

A neutral interaction could ruin my day.

Sometimes I felt excited.

Sometimes I felt devastated.

Sometimes I felt embarrassed.

Sometimes I felt ashamed.

I remember looking in the mirror and wondering what was wrong with me.

Why couldn’t I move on?

Why was I obsessing over someone who had already given me an answer?

I became scared of my own mind.

Not because I wanted to do anything harmful.

But because I could see how irrational I was becoming.

I knew I wasn’t thinking clearly anymore.

Eventually I realized something important.

The problem wasn’t her.

The problem wasn’t even the rejection.

The problem was what she represented.

She represented being chosen.

Being loved.

Being accepted.

Being enough.

I had attached years of unmet emotional needs to one person.

No human being could carry that weight.

Once I understood that, I stopped focusing on her and started focusing on myself.

That was the real beginning of recovery.

I journaled.

I read about limerence.

Attachment styles.

Childhood wounds.

People pleasing.

Validation seeking.

I started seeing patterns that existed long before I met her.

For the first time, I stopped asking:

“How do I get her?”

And started asking:

“Why am I suffering this much?”

The answers weren’t comfortable.

I realized how much I had abandoned myself over the years.

I realized how much of my self-worth came from external validation.

I realized how afraid I was of rejection.

I realized how often I sacrificed myself trying to be liked.

So I started rebuilding.

Not for her.

For me.

I improved my health.

I got serious about training.

I took care of myself.

I developed better habits.

I learned boundaries.

I learned to say no.

I learned that being kind doesn’t mean being weak.

I learned that self-respect matters more than approval.

Most importantly, I learned that someone else’s decision doesn’t determine my value.

The strangest moment happened months later.

I saw her again.

The woman who once occupied my thoughts every day.

The woman I believed was special.

The woman I thought I could never get over.

And nothing happened.

No excitement.

No fantasy.

No hope.

No anger.

No sadness.

Just neutrality.

I remember thinking:

“Did I really spend almost a year suffering over this?”

For the first time, I could see her clearly.

Not as a dream.

Not as a soulmate.

Not as my future.

Just as a normal person.

A good person.

A person who simply wasn’t interested.

That’s all.

No villain.

No victim.

Just two people who weren’t a match.

Today I don’t hate her.

I don’t blame her.

In a strange way, I’m grateful.

Because the experience forced me to face myself.

It exposed my insecurities.

My loneliness.

My wounds.

My need for validation.

And by facing those things, I became stronger.

The biggest lesson I learned is this:

When you’re in limerence, you think the goal is to get the person.

When you heal, you realize the goal was never the person.

The goal was becoming the kind of person who no longer needs someone else to feel complete.

If you’re going through limerence right now, I know how hopeless it feels.

I know how real it feels.

I know how impossible it seems to move on.

I felt all of that.

But I promise you this:

One day you’ll stop looking for signs.

One day you’ll stop replaying conversations.

One day you’ll stop building imaginary futures.

And one day you’ll realize the person who once controlled your emotions has become just another memory.

That’s when you know you’re free.

I'm 24. Works for MNC in healthcare. Now the thing is I was in love with a girl during my college days. She got engaged and then married. She don't want to loose contact with me because she still feels connection (me too). And as expected that marriage was done under pressure of family and society.

I don't know about her but now I'm not able to unlove her. I don't want myself to get affected by her actions anymore. Idk what she feels but I'm suffering by her words and actions whenever we both contact due to any college regarding work. Her words and actions aren't matching (since last 2 years though). But idk why I was with her. Personally I don't think as anything affects her regarding me (this js my thought on basis of my observation, not reality so don't judge please)

I just want to unlove her so I can love myself first and then someone. I hate any kind of feelings, attachments and emotions as of now. I don't want to hate her. Never ever.

I would love to hear from female perspective so i can understand her too. And i wanna know about how to unlove now...

No jokes please

Sorry about the grammar, I'm not really in a state to read what I'm typing right now.

Just listened to the first half of Elizabeth Gilbert’s controversial new memoir. Don’t wish to get into that controversy. I do, however, appreciate her talking about Sex and Love Addiction.

I’ve been in recovery for over a year for alcohol and weed but the one thing I have not been able to let go off is my need for validation from others in order to feel a sense of wholeness/fulfillment in life/myself.

Particularly validation from people I am attracted to. I want to get on the apps, go out, join groups, socialize in general with the intention of finding someone I am attracted to who will validate me in the ways I want. Anytime that validation starts coming I am on top of the world and when it’s taken away or doesn’t reach the level I began to envision, I collapse.

I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t know what I’m looking for in this post but I guess this is just my first time reaching out to a community who might understand. I suppose I could use some guidance? Some resources?
Some encouragement? I want so much to not be so dependent on others for my sense of fulfillment.