u/LenKiita

Oh, how I had missed the gentle touch of your hands on my body.

So tender…
touching me without asking for permission.

How long had you been holding yourself back?
Hiding behind the armor of an impenetrable man.

Yet I saw that wonderfully gentle soul breaking at the mere sound of my voice.

Let me hold you.

Let our bodies rest intertwined,
waiting for something we’ve longed for, for so long.

But why should we rush?

Give me another unexpected kiss.
Tell me this night is ours…
even if, by morning, you won’t be here anymore.

All I ask is that you look into my eyes,
holding on to a little of what the night gave us.

Oh, how I had missed your fingers playing with my hair,
slowly tracing their way down between my breasts.

Without asking for permission,
you reclaim a small piece of my soul,
while I steal a little bit of yours.

I won’t ask you to stay tonight.
I won’t break the pact my bruised heart made with time.

Go with the wind.
Return when the time is right.

I’ll be waiting for you,
with the same longing,
with the same trembling heart,
eager to lose myself in your embrace once again.

I want to know what it feels like to be happy without waiting for disaster.

To lower my guard for once.
To stop scanning every room for the knife that hasn’t appeared yet.

To believe that not every quiet moment is the silence before another storm.

Maybe happiness isn’t what scares me.
Maybe it’s how quickly I’ve learned to expect its end.

I wish i could learn to stop thinking something is going to happen, that sooner or later someone will stab me in the back, without thinking about this uncertain future

Life has made me fall so many times that sometimes I feel like I’m no longer afraid of almost anything.

And at the same time, I’m completely terrified.
With my knees scraped raw, covered in Band-aids that don’t work, that peel off at the slightest touch of the wind.

A peace I keep screaming to the sky for.

If only someone could hear me.

Your eyes looked at me with an empty gaze, lifeless.
Those eyes that once were full of life are now filled with nothing.

Where did all that infinite potential go?
Maybe it was just my reflection, trying to see something that never existed.

You know very well how to hide what you feel.
You know exactly where to go so that no trace is left of what once was, so that I won’t go looking for you.

You closed every door, every window… was that your intention?
Well, you did it.
You finished breaking a heart that was already broken.

You betrayed the only person who saw more than just a pretty face.
Standing right in front of me…
I couldn’t even hear the hurt in your words.

How could you?

You’d better leave me with the memory that something good once existed, even if I have to lie to myself.

I can be so naive sometimes.
A heart that loved too many times.

I hope you won’t regret it when time has erased every wound, when life has given me back my smile.

Your eyes looked at me with an empty gaze, lifeless.
Those eyes that once were full of life are now filled with nothing.

Where did all that infinite potential go?
Maybe it was just my reflection, trying to see something that never existed.

You know very well how to hide what you feel.
You know exactly where to go so that no trace is left of what once was, so that I won’t go looking for you.

You closed every door, every window… was that your intention?
Well, you did it.
You finished breaking a heart that was already broken.

You betrayed the only person who saw more than just a pretty face.
Standing right in front of me…
I couldn’t even hear the hurt in your words.

How could you?

You’d better leave me with the memory that something good once existed, even if I have to lie to myself.

I can be so naive sometimes.
A heart that loved too many times.

I hope you won’t regret it when time has erased every wound, when life has given me back my smile.

And just like that, one day I realized I had gone weeks without thinking about you. That this feeling of emptiness had taken over me, my whole being, my entire body.

Maybe having so many problems made the memory of you slowly fade from my mind. Or maybe I’m just in denial.

Maybe you’ve become nothing more than a memory from the past, or maybe I’ve locked you away inside my Pandora’s box.

That box I don’t want to open, the one I refuse to open, where every memory that hurts down to the bone is kept.

And I wonder… what if one day I open that box? What if I allow myself to think about you again?

But then I remind myself…
You don’t deserve that.

You don’t deserve even the smallest piece of my attention.

You don’t deserve even a single one of my thoughts.

Then stay there.
Buried in the deepest part of that box.
In the darkness.

Exactly where you deserve to be.

I know you’re hoping for a little compassion from me. Maybe even a little love.
But how could I give you something I no longer have?

What’s left besides a broken heart, worn down by so many disappointments, by so many empty promises?

Your smile doesn’t go unnoticed.
Neither do your acts of kindness.
But when someone lives in distrust,
when someone no longer expects anything from anyone, don’t wait, hoping something will change.

And don’t expect me to give you the good parts of myself.
There’s nothing left but this emptiness, this uncertainty, this person living on autopilot.

You deserve a love that doesn’t leaves you in doubt , one that fills you with warmth and affection not someone with empty eyes, with hands that can no longer reach for you, with fleeting kisses and words that only know how to hurt.

I’m not going to promise you something
I can’t give.

So keep walking your own path, waiting for a love that’s more genuine, waiting for someone who can give you what I no longer can.

I think that, for me, the worst thing isn’t depression or sadness. I think the worst thing is feeling empty inside. It’s feeling nothing. Feeling absolutely nothing for anyone.
And I’m not talking about not feeling love.
It’s that feeling of not being able to trust absolutely anyone. Of feeling watched, of feeling judged, and of feeling like, at any moment, something could happen to you. Like, at any moment, someone is going to hurt you.

When does trust come back?

When will you be able to trust again?
When the person you have loved most in the world has betrayed you, what else can you expect from people? When you still have a tiny bit of hope left, and that hope has been trampled on.

You still have the love of your children, and you’re afraid for them. You’re afraid for when they go out into this world, because you ask yourself: who can you really trust?

You look around, and all you see is cruelty, and you truly don’t know what to expect from people. You think, I know this person, but the truth is, you don’t really know anyone.
You don’t know what is truly hidden deep inside them.

You know yourself, and you tell yourself that people are really like you. So you expect the best from them.
And you end up getting hurt.

What a sad little girl, they must think.

Always writing sad things. Writing about how she trusts no one.

But tell me, do you really trust the people around you one hundred percent? Do you really believe there is someone in this world you can look in the eyes without ever wondering whether they might hurt you or betray you?

And just like that, one day I realized I had gone weeks without thinking about you. That this feeling of emptiness had taken over me, my whole being, my entire body.

Maybe having so many problems made the memory of you slowly fade from my mind. Or maybe I’m just in denial.

Maybe you’ve become nothing more than a memory from the past, or maybe I’ve locked you away inside my Pandora’s box.

That box I don’t want to open, the one I refuse to open, where every memory that hurts down to the bone is kept.

And I wonder… what if one day I open that box? What if I allow myself to think about you again?

But then I remind myself…
You don’t deserve that.

You don’t deserve even the smallest piece of my attention.

You don’t deserve even a single one of my thoughts.

Then stay there.
Buried in the deepest part of that box.
In the darkness.

Exactly where you deserve to be.

Sometimes it feels like life keeps testing you, over and over and over again. You start wondering how many times you have to fall and get back up just to prove how strong you are.
You tell yourself you don’t need this many obstacles. That a moment to breathe would feel like a gift.

And once again, you wonder how the people around you do it. How they fight their own battles with quiet smiles, carrying everything in silence. Each of them hiding their own falls, their own demons.

You ask yourself again, Will I be strong enough? Will I be able to get through all of this? Will I be able to get back up this time? Will I be able to keep smiling without people noticing the masks I put on every morning when I get out of bed, smiling so I won’t keep making them feel sorry for me?
People don’t want to hear about so many problems when they’re already carrying their own.

And somehow, little by little, you become so convincing that even you almost start believing it.

Have you ever felt trapped in nothingness while life seems to feel everything? Have you ever wondered how people do it? How they keep getting up every morning, look at themselves in the mirror, and keep smiling? Have you ever wondered how they put on those masks, keep lying to themselves, keep lying to the world, keep smiling… keep living?

To feel everything in a world this cruel. To be this sensitive in a world full of hypocrites, people who stab you in the back. I wonder what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence. What does it feel like to be like them, to not have a heart that constantly overflows, slipping through my fingers?

What do you do when the world becomes too heavy, yet you still have to get up every morning? When you still have to be the strong person everyone believes you are? What do you do when you have to convince yourself that you haven’t changed, that the reflection staring back at you in the mirror hasn’t changed either?
You tell yourself it’s just another day. You have to keep fighting. It’s just one more problem. You have to keep going for them. Just one more day.
Just one day at a time…

Have you ever felt trapped in nothingness while life seems to feel everything? Have you ever wondered how people do it? How they keep getting up every morning, look at themselves in the mirror, and keep smiling? Have you ever wondered how they put on those masks, keep lying to themselves, keep lying to the world, keep smiling… keep living?

To feel everything in a world this cruel. To be this sensitive in a world full of hypocrites, people who stab you in the back. I wonder what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence. What does it feel like to be like them, to not have a heart that constantly overflows, slipping through my fingers?

What do you do when the world becomes too heavy, yet you still have to get up every morning? When you still have to be the strong person everyone believes you are? What do you do when you have to convince yourself that you haven’t changed, that the reflection staring back at you in the mirror hasn’t changed either?
You tell yourself it’s just another day. You have to keep fighting. It’s just one more problem. You have to keep going for them. Just one more day.
Just one day at a time…

Sometimes I wonder if you still think about me after the way we ended things.

I doubt it.

I trick my brain into believing I’ve forgotten you, that I don’t want to talk to you, that I don’t secretly hope it will be your name every time my phone rings.

I wonder if you’re doing okay.
Even after the way you treated me.
This stupid empathy of mine, the one you claimed to admire and that, in the end, you grew tired of and hated.

How are we supposed to know what the other person really wants when everything starts out rosy, when we all lie a little, creating the perfect character so people will like us and we won’t come across badly?
But with time, the layers begin to fall away, and all that’s left is the real piece of shit you are.

How can someone make love to you, look at you like that, and feel nothing? And me loving you so much. Where did the promises go? When did those stolen kisses die? Why did you let me love you if you knew you were leaving? Now, what do I do with this? Where do I put it?

Where do I keep it? And you leave… so easily. It makes me angry to look at you. I don’t want to hear you. Your excuses are useless, they fix nothing, they don’t put back together this heart broken into pieces. You leave me with the anguish of having loved so much. As if I had chosen the wrong life. Because this… this isn’t something you feel twice. And I did feel it. All of it. Now I look at myself and I don’t know if it was me or if I made myself up.

An impostor of love. Of what I gave. Of what I believed. As if you had used me to feel something and then… nothing. And here I am, with this inside me. Not knowing where to put it. Not able to get it out. All I have left are words. This notebook. This ridiculous attempt to understand. And this heart that doesn’t break all at once, it sinks. Slowly. They say time heals a heart drowning in despair, that’s what I hope, that’s what I long for.

Who gave you the right to touch me like that?

You didn’t.

You don’t even ask for permission. You arrive with your whirlwind of brilliant ideas, provocations, a diamond in the rough.

If you could see yourself through my eyes…

It starts with a single finger and my heart stops for a second, as if no one had ever touched me that way, not now, not in this lifetime.

Enduring uncomfortable silences, fixed gazes that say everything without saying absolutely anything, without the slightest effort.

Owner of my agony, guardian of my desire, how long can we endure this torment?

Every touch awakens forgotten parts of my body, whispers of orgasms…

One kiss from you is the greatest of my consolations.

And even if you don’t consider me yours and you are not mine yet, all it takes is a smile, a look, a word, a brush of skin for our bodies to fall into sync.

Don’t leave me with the doubt.

Don’t leave me with frustration burning between my legs, the abandoned warmth of my arms.

What if we just jump?

Of course it hurts loving like this is vertigo.

But when there is no turning back from everything you’ve created without even imagining it, without even trying…

Caught between the limbo of desire and the restraint of what we’re not supposed to feel…

What if we dare?

Who gave you the right to touch me like that? You didn’t. You don’t even ask for permission. You arrive with your whirlwind of brilliant ideas, provocations, a diamond in the rough. If you could see yourself through my eyes… It starts with a single finger and my heart stops for a second, as if no one had ever touched me that way, not now, not in this lifetime.

Enduring uncomfortable silences, fixed gazes that say everything without saying absolutely anything, without the slightest effort. Owner of my agony, guardian of my desire, how long can we endure this torment? Every touch awakens forgotten parts of my body, whispers of orgasms… One kiss from you is the greatest of my consolations. And even if you don’t consider me yours and you are not mine yet, all it takes is a smile, a look, a word, a brush of skin for our bodies to fall into sync.

Don’t leave me with the doubt. Don’t leave me with frustration burning between my legs, the abandoned warmth of my arms. What if we just jump? Of course it hurts—loving like this is vertigo. But when there is no turning back from everything you’ve created without even imagining it, without even trying… Caught between the limbo of desire and the restraint of what we’re not supposed to feel… What if we dare?