r/moraldilemmas

Does anyone else have people in their life that they love dearly, but exhibit cognitive dissonance??? I feel so uncomfortable when they talk about their morals/values and then do actions that are in direct conflict of them. Sometimes I don’t know if I’m being baited into calling them out or if they genuinely don’t know the discrepancy between their words and actions. I’m also not sure if it’s my place to guide them through that… We are all adults and I don’t want people to be inauthentic to who they are, I just have a lot more respect when people stand in their truth. All I know is that it makes me question the people around me and I don’t love that…

I randomly thought of this a few days ago and I can’t stop thinking about it. Why are we not harvesting organs from criminals who have shown they have no respect for human life? I think if you end someone’s life, you shouldn’t get any of your spiritual or religious rights honored.

So many people die while waiting for organ transplants. I could understand being freaked out by for example receiving the heart of a serial killer, but honestly I’d feel better at receiving it from someone who didn’t deserve to live, than finding out it was some 16 year old that got into a car crash on their way to prom or something.

I don’t understand why they still get rights when they’ve shown a clear disregard for human life and yet there’s people dying waiting for organs.

There are two instances where i have doubted wether i violated my workplace policies.

I’m 21 F working at a daycare. There are many policies we are not allowed to break including taking pictures. I thought it would be fine as long as no pictures were posted online or used for weird reasons. I wanted to update my mom on my job so i took a selfie with a kid and sent to her. She told me to delete the picture immediately and i was confused as to why. She later said its a violation and i felt guilty and panicked so i deleted the picture immediately.

Another instance where i was playing with a baby (1 year old) and i got cute aggression so i patted his head and gave him a little peck. I see my coworkers do the same so i didnt think anything of it at first, but after some reflection i thought ”is this allowed? what would the parents think?” and i felt guilty. Those instances weigh on me now, i like to think of myself as a safe space for the kids i care for so i dont want to accidentally harm any of them. Was what i did immoral?

20 year old girl by the way. Can I drop my guy friend over this?
Recently I got hired by this new company and my boss has been especially mean to me for no reason. Yesterday I was a bit upset about it and was crying to one of my guy friends, I’ve known him for years now and we have a pretty close bond, he’s a good listener.

I put my head on his lap and he was stroking my hair, and he got hard. and I was honestly really shocked/confused. He kept apologizing but the thing is, if I’m literally crying to you in my distressed state, why would he do that? Should I drop him?

I feel like I you aren’t meant to be with someone, no matter how hard you try you won’t be with them. You can live in the same apartment complex or visit the same place every day, you can try hard to get this person, but if it is not meant to be then it won’t happen. And in the same time, u can meet someone briefly on a coffee break and somehow your relationship will develop by itself not even clearly understanding how it’s happening and this person may end up being the love of your life. What do u think guys?

My dad met my mom on the market where he was working and he stayed there longer than supposed to cause of the annoying costumer, my dad was a shy and not really decisive person ,but smth made him ask my moms phone number. It was back in time when phones weren’t very popular, so she gave him a phone number of her workplace and home adres (actually, my grandma did, cause mom was too stunned to speak lol). He called her workplace, but nobody replied, so he went to look for her house, confused the addressed lmao, but he found her. I also have other similar stories with people that used to be in my life, do maybe if it is a fate then it will happen no matter what?

I’m asking that, because I crazy liked one guy who I saw briefly, but unfortunately I can’t approach him, honestly. So maybe if it is meant to be for us together then we will be? Or there will be someone else…I’m 21 and never had a relationship eh. But it’s not even about me never ever being in a relationship, there was just something special about this guy that I randomly felt with my intuition.

When you're a kid you get to relax and enjoy.on someone else's dime. When you're a senior you get to relax and enjoy on your dime. Why should I feel bad for my employees who demand more free time when they work 1/3rd of their day and the rest is free time.

Also

Why do we bully to change bad behavior when we know bullying is negative and we want a net positive so that whole point someone says to bully is to create a positive from a negative. Is that the only way to make things positive? Sometimes it feels like if there is a god he makes little children and women cry because the pain motivates better things so if you want to say we need to be negative to regain the positive well you condone injustices against others like women and children.

No one is confused by my questions but most people highly disagree and can't understand why id ask this as if it's moral to mistreat and disrespect people who do anything bad that hurts them and others.

I get wanting to change behavior. I get behavior doesn't change easy.

I was raised in a pretty conservative environment, and I did my best to avoid anything that is against the values I grew up with…

But now I am on survival mode…
Long unemployment, lost my savings and anything of value
I rely on other neighbors for internet, I beg people for food
I look for jobs tirelessly, anything that pays
Several times I’ve received “offers”…I thought the offers were cheap in exchange for something very precious 😂
But what can I do? I can’t keep begging…I feel like an animal already without pride.
I am praying hard for a stable job but how much longer can I live like this?
At the same time, I don’t think I can live with that choice…
But I don’t want to be hungry again too..and I want to be comfortable at home
Sometimes I can’t even afford feminine products and other personal care products
I don’t know…just rambling

I'm with my boyfriend for three years. I had clearly told him that I don't want to do it raw and will probably do after marriage only but the last time we had sex he stealthily removed his condom. It was a month earlier and he only told me now. When I got angry he justified it saying you my dick was hurting because of the condom and you were in mood I didn't want to spoil that. Also I got periods that month after sex so he said there's no problem he apologized and said sorry only when I cried that why did u do so he said he didn't know what to do at that time it was in the moment and that he's really sorry for that I even called him a rapist.

I don't even feel angry right now, just completely numb, confused, and not good.

I'm not sure what to do next or how to feel about our relationship after this.

Would it be like betraying them because they want to give so much to you but you don't want to let them?

If the "intelligence" in question is moreso a failure to understand stuff that most people would know.

Like, for example. They mention how they "thought Memorial Day meant 9/11." Or another time where they said they "thought that oral sex was another term for kissing." This person was 22 to 23 when saying that stuff.

Is it making assumptions too fast that they don't have the curiosity required to keep important things in mind, and that if you spend a life with them, they might let things go to hell if they end up responsible for something, because they just didn't pay attention or remember it? Is that just overreacting because the examples were "little stuff" and you're just supposed to have faith when something really important does finally happen, because their love for you will make them able to handle it?

Plus if they generally have serious issues paying attention or acknowledging you in the moment, to the point they often fail to even hear you (or at least respond) when you speak, need things repeated to them, and are generally thing tagging along with whatever because they always delegate all activities to you, unless they see something that interests them at a place you've already chosen for you both to do stuff at so they go towards that and you feel roped in because of it. They often opt to stay doing things within your shared routine. Plus they don't really ask you questions, or follow up on their own about things you've said about yourself, unless they're "simple" like buying knick knacks of characters you like. Is that just meaningless because it's all little recreational stuff?

But they regulaely say things like they want you to be taken care of in the future, they see you in their dreams, and they think about you all the time. They say they love you because you're "nice", "pretty", are funny, and are "compassionate" and have apparently shown more emotional care to them than anybody else has ever done for then. But that's it.

So its like, are you a bad person because you're being petty about how the time spent isnt "good enough" for you - are you supposed to appreciate the fact that someone loves spend time doing random stuff with you at all even if you just mostly sit in silence together doing the things in parallel, like watching stuff, eating, or just driving around? Is the issue just you not being open to the love?

Would you be bad for wanting to break away from that person, instead of trying harder to love them since they bothered loving you?

i'm a 15 y/o girl and today this guy at my job let me know that the dishwasher (like 50y/o) is a sex offender.
i told my boss about it & asked if she is going to fire him (i don't think she knew when he got hired) bc i don't want to be around a sex offender at work and my friend who told me warned me that he thinks he's weird towards me.

but now i feel bad because technically sex offenders are allowed to have jobs and he's always been really nice to me. but also i feel like i should've known im working with an offender, and i don't want to put myself in a dangerous situation during closing shifts when there is nobody else around
his charges are aggravated indecent liberties w/ child and then lewd & lascivious exposing sex organs to another TWICE.
i guess what im asking is am i being a little dramatic over all of this bc he has not done anything wrong to me please let me know your thoughts guys

i’ve always thought child sex offenders are the scum of the earth so why do i feel so bad

EDITS!! PLEASE READ

- this is on me for bad wording, but when I talked to my manager I didn't ask for or mention him being fired at all, I asked
"what she was planning to do about it", and even sent a text later saying I understood if he couldn't be fired and that I would just do what I had to do to keep myself safe

- my boss didn't do a background check before hiring him, she didn't know he was an offender before.

- i DO know his charges. He had a count of aggravated indecent liberties w/ child in 2002 and 2 charges of indecent exposure in 2023!!

- i don't believe in scumbags who rape children rehabilitating and being able to reintegrate into society so if you want to try convincing me of that don't bother.

Here are a few different examples.

1- an elderly person struggling to get thru the store or get their belongings into the car. Or maybe they have dropped something and are struggling to get it. - do you help them cross the parking lot. Or let them hold your arm for balance?

2- someone has a dead battery, they are not physically attractive, maybe even dirty clothes or whatever, do you help them ? Or continue on your daily routine.

3-a house you pads by everyday has an old person that never has any visitors. The yard is over grown. And they dont have their own transportation to get food or personal hygiene supplies. They have no family and are probably grumpy to. Should you try to be a friend to this stranger or should you not bother them or waste your own ti.e being concerned when they don't even want anyone to concern them.

4- a homeless person on the street. One that is legitimately active homeless. Not just panhandling. - do you look the other way? Or do you help them in some way?

These are mostly impersonal, it gets more difficult to answer the more close to home an example is.

Im just curious how do we determine if something is worth our time energy? There will be a follow up post.

I have never denied what I did. I drove while I was high with children in the car. I put my children, your daughter, and everyone else on the road in danger by taking away their choice and their safety. It was reckless, selfish, and inexcusable. I have carried that guilt ever since. I have never done it again, and I never will.

What I struggle with is that people assume my later choices came from nowhere. They didn’t. They came from pain I never spoke about because, at the time, I didn’t think it mattered anymore.

When my dad died in November 2011, I needed the person I loved most. Instead, while I was grieving, I watched you openly touch another woman and tell me that if you had the chance, you would choose her. In that moment, your actions told me something your words never could: I was not your priority. I wasn’t the person you chose.

A couple of weeks later, after I was in a car accident, I quietly walked away. I never explained why because I didn’t think it would change anything. If my pain hadn’t mattered enough to stop what happened that night, I didn’t believe explaining it afterward would matter either.

None of that excuses what I later did. Hurting someone does not justify hurting someone else. I own that completely. My decision to drive high was mine alone, and I will carry that responsibility for the rest of my life.

I tried several times over the last fifteen years to apologize to you face-to-face—not to erase what I did, because nothing can—but because I wanted you to know how deeply sorry I am for putting your daughter in danger. I also wanted you to understand that the night my father died changed something inside me. It left me believing I would always come second, no matter who I loved.

That belief followed me. When someone else came into my life saying everything I had always wanted to hear, I grabbed onto it. Looking back, I can see that I was trying to fill a wound I had never healed. That decision hurt many people, including someone who has stood beside me through so much. He deserved better than living with someone whose heart had never fully healed. That isn’t fair to him, and I recognize that.

What happened today has devastated me. I was already grieving my mother’s death, already overwhelmed by guilt and regret, and already questioning my worth. I chose to speak honestly about my mistakes because I believed owning them was the right thing to do.

Instead, I felt like I became a target.

I understand criticism. I understand anger. I understand that many people will never forgive me, and I accept that. What I wasn’t prepared for was feeling like my humanity disappeared the moment I admitted my failures. It felt as though people saw the worst thing I have ever done and decided that was all I would ever be.

That broke me.

You may never believe that my remorse is genuine, and that is your right. You never have to forgive me. But I hope one thing is understood: I have never tried to excuse what I did. I have only tried to explain the path that led me there—not because it makes it acceptable, but because it is the truth.

I can live with being held accountable.
What I am struggling to live with is the feeling that no matter how honestly I admit my failures, some people have already decided I am beyond redemption.

UPDATE: I took some advice from you all, I talked to her actually at the gym and I feel bad because she got scared, not about me but about him wanting access to her. she asked me to not talk to him about her understandably. she said she’s still healing and wants no part of him, his life or one associated with him. She also thought it was funny I went to Reddit 😂. so thank you all for the help

so my buddy‘s ex broke up with him back in February. they were together for like 2 years or something. they broke up once before (again her leaving him) but this time it was bad and it was clear she wasn’t coming back.

i had never met the girl, they met at work, they both work in psych hospital. he worked there first and he said he was drawn to her one day after hearing how she engaged with patient. anyways. he got a new gf like immediately after she broke up with him, he’s a content creator, he does some spicy stuff too. she didn’t seem to care about that stuff though.

well, she got pregnant and even though they are both 32 he told her he can’t have the kid because it would ruin his online image. he needs to stay the single guy to keep the views, she went through with the abortion but man, it clearly destroyed her. and to make things worse he started to treat her like absolute trash the whole time. even was hitting up the ugly ex that nobody liked because he needed attention. the guy needs 24/7 admiration and attention that’s pretty clear, pretty sure he’s a narcissist and Borderline because he also has bipolar.

anyways. I started stalking her IG for him to keep tabs. even talked to her a little bit. i really don’t like his new gf, she’s obnoxious and he doesn’t know she still heavy tries to get at other dudes. but his ex, she’s amazing. she’s super sweet, hella funny, she’s a good mom (she already had a kid which pisses me off because he made it sound like her having a kid was problem) its been 6 months now maybe since they broke up and im starting to actually hate my buddy and really like his ex, not in a way but in a “someone needs to protect this girl” type of way. shes the type of person who you know would show up for you at 3am no matter what. (when they broke up the first time he called her after his bike accident and the girl dropped everything for his dumb ass and took care of him)

so my moral dilemma is: do I keep stalking his ex or do I drop him because he’s really starting to come off as a fake person. I almost want to out him online too because it’s weird the way he acts online but then know what I know about what he did to this girl who is like every man’s dream woman.

I’m currently a master’s student in Europe.

Before coming here, I paid for everything myself—my visa, flights, legal documents, and other moving expenses—using savings from my previous job.

By chance, I ended up living in student housing in a city different from where I study. The housing was established by a wealthy benefactor centuries ago and is now funded through a trust, government support, and donations. Most residents are scholarship students, but I wasn’t eligible because I’m an international student and didn’t take the local entrance exams. PhD students who receive a salary are expected to pay rent.

A few months ago, I spoke with the director about my rent because I was planning to pay it using wages that a former employer legally owed me. Unfortunately, I never received that money. The director simply said, “It’s okay. Don’t worry. Pay whenever you can.”

About a week ago, we met again since I’m leaving at the end of the summer. He asked how I’d been supporting myself without a salary, and I explained that I had savings at first and that my family has since been helping me. We also talked about my experience living here. I told him that I’d had a wonderful time, but I couldn’t afford to travel around the country, which was disappointing. I said that despite that, I was proud of myself for moving abroad and managing everything on my own.
At the end of the meeting, he told me, “Pay whatever you can, and if you can’t, that’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

A few days later, my family unexpectedly sent me €1,000 to help pay the rent. The full amount I owe would be around €3,000, so this would only cover about one-third of it.

Now I’m conflicted.
On one hand, the director seemed to forgive the debt and genuinely told me not to worry if I couldn’t pay.
On the other hand, my family sent me this money specifically to help with the rent.
Would it be more ethical to:
Pay the €1,000 toward the rent anyway, even though the director implied I don’t have to?
Or use it to travel and experience the country before I leave, since this may be my only opportunity to do so?

I’m curious whether anyone else has experienced a situation where leadership unintentionally rewarded behavior that crossed professional boundaries, resulting in those behaviors becoming the expectation for everyone else.

This isn’t really about someone taking initiative or being ambitious. I appreciate coworkers who become trusted resources because they’re collaborative, dependable, and improve outcomes for the people we serve.

My concern is different.

I work in a counseling-adjacent role where we regularly interact with people experiencing significant mental health crises. These individuals are very vulnerable and we are often interacting with them on their worst day.

Professional boundaries, confidentiality, role clarity, and client-centered care aren’t just preferences. They’re fundamental to doing the job ethically.

Over time, one coworker has increasingly positioned themselves as an unofficial leader by inserting themselves into additional responsibilities, acting as the primary contact with outside agencies, communicating in ways that imply authority they don’t actually have, and taking on tasks that often extend beyond what the rest of us consider appropriate for our role. I have seen them leave our clients worse off with having limited skill in warmth, validation and rapport building.

Leadership has praised this behavior publicly and even referred to it as the standard the rest of the team should follow.

The problem is that many of us don’t believe those behaviors actually represent good practice.
Instead, they often blur professional boundaries, encourage unnecessary involvement in situations that don’t require it, prioritize visibility over clinical judgment, and create pressure for everyone else to operate the same way if they want to be viewed as high performers.

The hardest part for me isn’t that someone is getting recognition. I genuinely don’t care who receives credit. I wouldn’t be in the mental health field if recognition was a driving factor in my work.

What I struggle with is watching practices that I believe compromise professional boundaries become institutionalized simply because they’re highly visible. It leaves me wondering whether maintaining appropriate boundaries will eventually be viewed as doing less, even when I believe it’s the more ethical approach.

This person is very newer to the field and is younger. People have changed departments because they didn’t’t like this person and their ethics. It’s hard because our leadership only see the outcomes of our work in the form of documentation in billing. They do not see us work with clients and they are not around to see the miss use of databases that is going on.

Has anyone else worked somewhere that confused “doing more” with “doing better”?

If so:
Did leadership eventually recognize the difference?

Did these expectations become permanent?
How did you maintain your own professional standards when the culture rewarded something different?

For supervisors, how do you distinguish between healthy initiative and boundary crossing when evaluating employees?

I’m especially interested in hearing from people in behavioral health, crisis response, social work, counseling, healthcare, or similar professions where boundaries and ethical judgment are central to the work.

Is it time to start looking for a new job?

If there are any questions or need for specific situations, I will try to provide those.

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so, last saturday me and my friends were at a party, we had something to drink and we lied down to rest, all of us know each other for 6+ years and so it’s not strange for a girl to lean on a boy’s shoulder while lying down, everyone does it and it’s just in friendship, or that’s what i tought, because once my hg did that with me she started kinda like hugging my arm aswell but i tought it was normal because she was drunk, the next day we went to a party again and no one drank, we lied down next to each other again but no hugging this time, now this girl knows i’ve been going out my another girl and that i like her, so 2 days ago she sends me a snap of her crying and when i ask what happened she says that she tought there was something going on beetween us and that she liked me, i didn’t like her so i told her i was sorry if i gave her mixed signals.
now whenever we go out i can’t look at her the same and she notices this so she cries every time, and her bestfriend which is also my bestfriend is mad at me for this but i don’t understand what i could possibly do that i haven’t already done

I recently went through a phase where a lot of people around me were normalizing hookup culture. Friends talked about kissing on the first date, casual intimacy, and acting like emotions weren’t necessary. I felt a lot of FOMO and ended up kissing a rebound on the first time we met. It was also my first kiss.
The thing is, almost immediately afterward, I realized it didn’t feel right to me. I wasn’t judging anyone else who enjoys casual relationships, but I learned that I personally can’t separate physical intimacy from emotional connection. It went against my own values, and I never wanted to repeat that kind of experience.
Since then, I’ve been intentional about dating and only pursuing relationships where there’s genuine emotional attachment.
Now I’m with my current partner (20M). I was completely honest with him about this experience because I didn’t want to hide anything. However, he believes that because I once participated in a rebound hookup, I’m fundamentally a “hookup culture” type of person, even though I explained that it was something I tried once, regretted, and consciously chose not to do again.
His view is making me question myself. Does one experience—especially one influenced by FOMO and teenage immaturity—define someone’s relationship style forever? Or is it reasonable to say that trying something once and realizing it isn’t for you is simply part of figuring yourself out?

basically, my friend and i have been very close for about 1 year and so i know that they are a very caring and empathetic person.
recently, i've noticed they display slight racist tendencies, like laughing at those TikToks that have an accent or not understanding the necessity for affirmative action (i know it's a complicated topic with many nuances) or genuinely believing racism against white Americans is quite real in America (for context, they're a white American).
however, they are very outspoken against racism in general and i think they just hasn't realized some of the insensitive aspects of what they say. i don't believe any of these tendencies would ever really harm anyone (like emotionally or psychologically or physically or anything) because i only noticed them as someone close to them.
i don't really want to confront them when i hear those statements aloud because i'm really bad at explaining my thoughts to others, but i think if it's truly bad for me to not talk with them, then that outweighs my discomfort. and also i think i might have slight moral ocd which has kept me up at night thinking about it.
so my question is, is it wrong for me to not try to discuss why i think some statements they make are slightly racist?