r/moraldilemmas

Im a girl in my late teenage years. I love someone now but i dont know if they are my forever person. They think im their forever person. Is it unethical to stay with them because of that?

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I think I finally understand why I have such a hard time saying no to people. It is not because I physically cannot say no. I actually can. The problem is that I don't want to say no when someone is genuinely asking me for help.

If someone asks me to do something and I know I can do it, my brain immediately goes, “Why would I refuse?” They are asking me for a favor because they need help, and I have the ability to help them. So saying no feels rude to me, even when I don't really want to do what they are asking.

The other problem is that I am not good at lying. I don't want to tell someone, “Sorry, I can't,” when I know perfectly well that I actually can. I could easily make up an excuse, but then I would feel like I am being fake. And if I tell the truth and say, “I can, but I don't want to,” that sounds much harsher.

So I end up choosing the easier option: I help them.

This is why people sometimes ask me to cover shifts, do things they don't want to do, or take on extra work. I could say no, but I usually don't because I know I am capable of doing it. And once someone asks me directly, I feel responsible for helping them.

What is funny is that someone who is willing to lie can sometimes look like the nicer person. They can say, “Sorry, I can't,” even when they could, and everyone accepts it. Meanwhile, someone who is honest enough to say, “I could, I just don't want to,” can be seen as rude or selfish.

I don't think refusing to help automatically makes someone a bad person. I am starting to understand that either. Helping people is something I genuinely value, but there is a difference between helping someone because I want to and helping someone because I feel guilty for saying no.

Maybe my problem isn't that I can't say no. Maybe it is that I have always associated saying no with being rude, while saying yes feels like being a good person.

And honestly, I would rather be honest than make up a lie just to make my refusal sound nicer. I just need to understand that being honest about my limits does not automatically make me a bad person.

Why is society so against it? What if someone is genuinely suffering that much that d34th is the escape?

Lets discuss!

TW: CSA

Younger sibling here. My older sibling sexually abused and psychologically manipulated me for 10 years of our childhood, lasting up until high school when they started dating their current fiance. They have plans to get married soon. Is it morally wrong for me/my parents to not tell my siblings fiancé about what they did to me? More so I’m wondering, if you were the fiance and received this news, how would you feel, is this always a dealbreaker or is there nuance to this?

I’m still in my healing journey so it would help me to know more outsider thoughts from others that are not involved in this exact situation. My mom believes her and my dad should not confront my sibling about it before the wedding whereas dad thinks it’s better sooner than later. My partner says it’s morally wrong to not tell the fiance about my siblings past, but supports my healing and that’s their top priority. What are your thoughts? Deal breaker for you? Morally wrong to not tell the fiance before the wedding? Any advice on order of events to execute this situation in the most just way?

Edit for correction:

Thanks for the engagement so far! I’m appreciating the feedback and encouragement. Just wanted to make a quick note, my partner is very supportive and despises my abuser and wants all the best for me. I completely misused “morally grey” when I actually meant “morally wrong”. My partner completely supports me in whatever I choose including disclosing to everyone what my sibling did. My healing and safety is their number one priority in all this. However, they feel morally wrong in letting the two get married without the fiance knowing.

Additionally, wanted to add that I believe it is morally wrong too to let them go through with it. I would never be okay with that in a partner. However, I am currently still healing and due to the abuse, have been very brainwashed to minimize it, hence why I am seeking this outside perspective outside of my trauma brain.

This is a sort of moral question and I'm curious of what your subjective view deems as worse. Explanation of why would be very welcome ^^

A. Someone who causes harm over and over again without guilt or any thoughts out of negligence.

vs

B. Someone who knowingly did harm but felt guilt about it afterwards.

So. I had an inappropriate crush on my best friend in high school. It culminated in an extremely sappy and cringy letter where I basically poured my heart out without technically admitting my true feelings. But it was all about how deeply I loved them.
At the time, they were touched by it, and admitted to still reading it from time to time about a year ago. I am considering now apologising for the contents of said letter, but am scared I’d be making a mistake and only hurting them further by raising an issue they had never even considered.
For context, this crush was inappropriate because this person would not have liked me in any case due to their sexuality not aligning with my gender. I was also two grades above them and acted very paternal towards them in our shared groups and activities. I felt responsible for protecting this person, only to fall for them hard despite the obvious power imbalance and age difference. To make matters worse, I learned recently that they had been taken advantage of sexually as a child, and I’m afraid that I am no better than the individual that traumatised them.
Now we are both adults, and I want to keep this person in my life, but the guilt hits me every time we hang out and reminisce about our high school days. I’m at a loss for what to do—I have attached my potential apology below. If anyone is able to weigh in, then please: will sending this hurt them despite helping me? If so, how can I clear my conscience without losing this friend? Or what will I do if one day, they connect the dots on their own?

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Hey [name], do you have a second? There’s something I want to get off my chest, but it’s kind of a lot.

Remember that letter I wrote you at the end of my senior year? Basically, I want to apologize for the contents of that letter.

While I don’t actually have an exact record of the letter itself, I have bits and pieces of drafts from that time, and after re-reading them I want to acknowledge that some of the stuff I wrote was frankly pushing the boundaries of an age-appropriate platonic friendship. The way that I felt about you was honestly not normal. Most of the language I used was overly dramatic, off-putting and unfair (on top of being incredibly cringy). I am now aware of these facts, and feel awful about it.

I want you to know that that version of me no longer exists. I have matured greatly and I am normal about my friends and have overall WAY more perspective.
So while yes, I do love you, and yes those memories meant a lot to me and whatever else I was obsessed with at the time, I want you to know that I understand how strange it probably came off (or at least how strange it must be in retrospect). It was never my intention to hurt you, or scare you, or confuse you. At the time, I was healing from a lifetime of my own insecurities about my ability to be loved. You (and [other friend]) were there for me at a really weird period of my life, in which doors were opening up that had always been closed. It was honestly really overwhelming, in the best way. You guys made me feel valuable, wise, and powerful. In reality, I was a dumbass kid with so much left to learn. I was a stranger who became your mentor and then a friend, all the while trying (poorly) to hide the intensity of my emotions from you until I couldn’t anymore. I thought I was being honest, when I was actually being super weird. And for that I am sorry. I wish to be a better friend to you going forwards.

As for the letter itself, it’s yours, and you can do whatever you like with it. Just know that if I were to write it now, though the sentiment would mostly remain, it would read VERY differently.

Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest, it’s been troubling me for a little while and making me die of cringe and anxiety every time I think about it, or think about our highschool days and the day that you inevitably realize how melodramatic and codependent I was on you, some sweet kid two grades below me for whom I should’ve been a better role model.

So yeah. I’m sorry [name], I should’ve protected you better from myself. I am embarrassed and ashamed of the ways I mistreated you. (I also want to real quickly acknowledge and apologise for the inherent selfishness of my bringing this up—my primary aim is admittedly to clear my conscience, despite being unsure as to if it will do more harm than good to you, my friend). I 100% understand if your opinion of me has changed for the worse and will accept anything that comes my way for all this. Thank you for taking the time to read to the end.

So I've been “stuck” on this for a while and wanted y’all’s thoughts.

With religion it's kind of easy to see the problem. In a Christian nation you could raise your kid with no religion and let them decide for themselves later, that seems fine. But you could also teach them something like Satanism and then, once they're older, tell them "I was showing you a bad religion on purpose, your morals are what I taught you outside of that." That's clearly manipulative. Or you could raise them Christian and later reveal you're actually an atheist, then let them decide, but even that feels like it's quietly pressuring them out of the religion, just less obviously.

Where I get stuck is applying the same logic to something like sexuality. Society treats straight as the "norm," even though it's not really a moral good, just an informal default that gets taught without anyone stating it outright. So would it be a moral good or bad to explicitly teach your kid that being gay is correct or normal (this goes for both straight parents and gay parents)? If teaching "gay is the norm" is bad because it's forcing a specific belief on a kid, then doesn't that mean every country that inadvertently teaches straight as the norm is doing the same moral bad, just passively? Or does intent matter, so passive/ambient teaching doesn't count the same way explicit teaching does?

And what about someone who explicitly intends to raise their kid thinking straight is the norm, but still says both are fine? Is that morally different from someone who never thinks about it at all and their kid just absorbs the ambient norm without them meaning to teach anything?

I got some pushback that "no one actually teaches gay as the default" and that the real default is more like "love who you find and don't worry about it." Which is fair, but I don't think that's actually neutral either. It's still a specific stance a parent is choosing to say out loud, not really an absence of teaching. So now I'm wondering if "don't worry about it" is a genuinely different, better option, or just a softer version of the same thing where a parent still picks a stance and voices it, it just happens to feel invisible because it lines up with where most people already are.

Curious how people here would actually work through this one. Thanks!!

I didn’t know where else to post this, so i’m putting it here hoping for advice and perspective.

I have a ex- bestfriend that is gay. It’s not something he wanted anyone to know, he told me he was going to die with the secret but was glad that it was me that found out. Once I found out, he was an open book about everything regarding his sexuality. For the most part. (essentially almost verbatim admitted that he’s gay, but that he can’t be, so he’s not). We talked in detail about it and he would just cry and cry and talk about how ashamed he was and how he has to change. Later on he would make a move on me, which by that point I was completely thrown.

I kindly, nonverbally turned down his gesture, but the following day he insisted on needing space from me and blamed me for various things half of which genuinely made no sense.That same week, he went to instantly date a girl that’s had a crush on him forever, but he would never give her the time of day previously and said the nastiest things about her and would give literally 5 reasons he’d never date everytime he was asked . One of them being that she’s “disgusting” and “her body proportions are weird”.

We have not talked or hung out the whole time they’ve been dating (with the exception of a few weird reach outs, push/pulls from him trying to get back into my life and then running again). His girlfriend does not know what happened between us (him making moves on me) she just knows we were close and no longer are. She has asked a few times but he keeps her in the dark about it.

He has been dating this girl he’s not into for 6 months now. She has no idea. She was a very close friend of mine until they started dating. I decided to step back and keep my mouth shut because it isn’t my business.

This girl was head over heels for him before they even started dating, and she is very seriously and obviously in love right now. Everytime I see them together i get this disgusting guilty feeling for not telling her. She’s happier than i’ve ever seen her and it’s really really great to see, but also really really difficult to watch.

I can’t tell her because that would be outing him, but then i’d also be a bad person for just watching this all go down. I cannot stress to yall how badly this situation has me fucked up. I try my hardest everyday to be a good person. And now no matter how much I do it does not matter because at the end of the day I’m holding this massively important secret that’s making me a terrible person. I don’t know what to do. If they get married and he does the whole coming out after having kids deal, i’m the worst person in the world.

Hey, I'm a med student and currently I'm taking a biostadistics class in which the professor expects us to use any AI to write a 10 page "summary" on the topic we are studying. The thing is, that everyday there's a new topic and typing something by myself of that length everyday is demanding, plus the other tasks of the different subjects I'm taking.

I'm 100% anti-AI, but typing this much in such a short time may affect my performance in other classes and even in this one; getting to my main dilemma: am I wrong for using AI even if I'm expected to?

Thank you!!

P.S: Sorry for any typos or grammar mistakes. English is not my first language

You accidentally find out that one of your closest friends has been lying about something extremely important for years.

Nobody else knows.

The lie has gotten so big that if you expose it now, they could lose their job, their relationship, most of their friends, and possibly their family.

But here's the part that makes you hesitate:

They didn't lie to benefit themselves.

They lied because, years ago, telling the truth would have seriously hurt someone they loved.

That person is no longer around.

Your friend has kept the secret ever since.

You now have proof.

They don't know that you know.

Would you expose the truth, confront your friend privately, or take the secret to your grave?

My friends got me earrings for my birthday. I look realllyyyyy bad in them, so bad. Anyway, so should I keep them or..... . There are better ones for way less price. But still they're not expensive expensive so I can keep them, but I just don't see myself ever wearing them because the whole point of them would be lost as soon as they pair with my face. Help.

When you are going through a bad phase of your life ….there are people who make it worse …. And when the circumstances reverse they expect you to be caring … understanding, helping….
I don’t want to be all those things
I want to be indifferent now….
Is this a bad thing
Isn’t it setting a boundary

I am not happy that they are suffering now
But I don’t want to be sad … I just want to focus on me

Like when finally you think you are in a good place now … something happens and it takes you back

Still I have to be there for them
But this time I feel distant
I just remember all the hurt they gave me
And I dont want to forgive and forget all the time ?

I was humanly Decent to someone I loathe on behalf of my spouse & now they keep reaching out trying to be besties? I'm talking very basic human decency. Nothing extra.

1. "Beth" is a family member me and my spouse both dread being around. They are self centered, a neglectful parent, and expects everyone at the gathering to watch her kids while she drinks. I stopped going to these gatherings all- together, but a family member passed away and everyone was expected to attend this remembrance "party".

We attended & she immediately B-lined over to the table i was sitting at with his aunt. She asked me some questions about getting the kids together & going to the beach and I politely declined. She asked questions about my future plans and what I like to do in my free time & I would provide dead ended answers that were kind; but short as not to further conversation. I also did not show curiosity about her life, as I knew she really wanted me to ask her about her new job.

Somehow, with me giving bare minimum kindness & kind of gray rocking- she ended up texting me 5 different days! It's a small annoyance, but morally I can't flat out tell her why we don't vibe, because it would start a whole drmatic blowout in his family. In my family, we don't tip toe. We tell people we aren't vibing, and just dip. I really do feel that basic human decency is misleading to dull folks & I feel a dilemma in not just telling her we don't like her. I'm trying to be selfless and just keep grey rocking on the behalf of my husband and the other family members that he does care for.

Im 11 weeks pregnant in Canada Ontario. A condom broke its an unwanted pregnancy. My husband doesnt want the child at all. We already have 2 kids, both under 3 years old. He is very depressed with the situation and made it very clear that he wants myself to terminate the pregnancy but I cant get myself to do it… he went to see a doctor that got him to take some time on sick leave for mental health and hes crying a lot. I absolutely dont know what to do.

Me and my ex broke up about a week ago over something I said that wasn’t true and now I’m worried I might have lost the best thing to ever happen to me. I feel like I need to give some context, so fair warning sorry for my rambling.

We would have been together 5 years next month. We met in high school and started dating after we graduated. We have been through a lot together. Moved in together. Watched each other struggle through school. Countless hospital visits and injuries. Got animals. Moved in to a nicer house fixed it up. New jobs. We were finally starting to see the life we had always envisioned for ourselves. We had good times and bad like anyone but one of our biggest issues was his mom. He was a Mommas boy and he used to call her everyday before we started dating, once we started dating he didn’t call her as much and as time when on he called her less and less. I used to encourage him to call her but he would say he’ll call her later or it’s fine. As time went on he didn’t go see her as much as he used to. She would invite us to things and he would tell his mom I had to work or say I didn’t feel good. Most of the time that was a lie and he didn’t want to go but he didn’t want to hurt his mom’s feelings. I didn’t love it but it was fine. As time would go on his mom began to say terrible things about the way I looked Or what I would wear. Over the years my boyfriend would lie anytime something came up a birth or holiday dinner he would tell them I was working. Well Last year I told him I would make one more final effort to repair things with me and his mom. I went on a family vacation with them, I was already having a hard time with the fact both of my parents had a condition or disease that would take their lives one way or another. I wanted me and her to get along bc she would probably be the only parent figure I would have in the future. The vacation was horrible, member of his family who had previously been nice to me started acting horrible and saying terrible things to me. I never complained or showed I cared at all. We went home and from then on any family event I didn’t go to and he just willingly stopped going to my family events. Our other big issue is my boyfriend is very active in a political party and is a head of a branch so he is very busy all the time. I love and support him 100% but I work as a firefighter and I’m trying to get a new job, I never post anything political because being a woman firefighter is difficult already. I don’t want politics to interfere with my work. I go to rallies with him and ask how the different events turn out but I’ve never been a political person, I don’t get very deep into it. I don’t understand it as much as I probably should. I feel bad I can’t connect with him on one of his favorite things.

So a month ago he asked me if I was happy, I told him idk I told him I wanted to travel and I wanted to go out and do things. I wasn’t ready to get married and have a family. That wasn’t true. Recently yes I had been going out and traveling and doing lots of fun things, but I am happy and I do want those things, I have just been thinking a lot and I’m worried what happens when we get married and have a family I don’t want his mother to hate me and tell our kids horrible things about me. Also I don’t want him to give up the work he’s doing he’s amazing at it!! He’s trying to change the world for the better and I support him, but he has all this time now, if we start a family he would have to choose and I don’t want him to have to choose between me and what he loves to do. He said he just wants me to be happy finally but now we’re both heart broken bc I was scared.

Side note we had never talked about breaking up really before it happened. A friend of his needed a place to stay for a month, she was getting kick out of her house and just need someone to stay with until another friend’s lease was up and they could get a place together. I always thought this friend has feelings for him but i tried to not think too much about it. They moved in which I encouraged and two days later he said we should break up. I love him he is so sweet and has the kindest heart. He is funny and gentle. He would do anything and everything to make me smile. I feel like I should have done so much more and I want to do more, but what should I do tell him the truth or just let it be.

I’m sorry this is so long and if you read it all thank you I just want some advice bc I can’t sleep and I’m driving by myself crazy.

I am a 20yo male. At the time of the dilemma, I believe i was 19. It started when i was at a party, i think a grad party for my cousin. The community im part of is very small and religious. While i was there, i found myself talking to a girl who i won't name. I don't know how old she is or was, but i know she was defiitley under 18. At one point in our conversation the topic of videogames came up. The conversation eventually found its way to Minecraft. We found out that we both play java. We eventually decided to exchange emails so we could set up a server together. So we did. We had lots of fun on that server. We eventually switched from using google meet to discord for our minecraft sessions. After a while we got busy with other things and haven't really talked since. months later, or maybe over a year later, idk, i start hearing about how adults should never interact with minors online. That made me question whether or not I had done something wrong. I decided to see what Gemini had to say about it (yes, i know that's dumb). I kid you not, Gemini eventually started arguing with itself about whether me playing minecraft with her was ok. I have no idea what to think. I personally don't see anything wrong with what I did but Ive been wrong many times before.

I have been wrestling with this question for a long time. I believe we can have a good discussion on this.

Let me describe an incident to you(Couldn't find any better):

You are jobless, have to attend 2 Online assessments, one in-person at an exam center and the other is regular online, then travel back 10-12 Km to write 2nd one, and there is an important family gathering today afternoon.

1st assessment: 10:00AM - 1:00 PM
2nd assessment: 2:00PM

- You bombed the first one, came with a friend and intended to go back with them.
1:10-15 PM: But they suddenly have to go in the opposite direction, and now you're left on your own.
- You book a ride and reach home at 1:35 PM, but there is a power cut in your house and no charge in the laptop.
- You head to your uncle's house where a family gathering is happening, but there was also a power cut around 1:45-50 PM,
- Then your father suggests your uncle's shop which might have power and wifi, and it did. Barely made it in time to attend the OA.

Now here is the question, in the above scenario you had many reasons/excuses to give up, like no power at both the places, had a family gathering afternoon, etc, but when you attended the assessment those became excuses, otherwise they all may have been plausible reasons.

What is the line between an Excuse and a Reason?
Do their meanings differ by the what you prioritize?
Or is it your desire towards an outcome that decides which is a reason and which is an excuse?

After much thought,
Reason: Anything that directly influences you/situation in achieving your desired outcome
Excuse: Everything other than that

Is this correct? I don't know, lets talk

EDIT: The OA cannot be re-attempted and they are your ticket to the interview.

I see videos of Chrisean Rock and her son who was born with the condition. She was seen pregnant while drinking and now her child can’t walk or talk and he’s three years old. I’m just wondering if we lived in a society that looked down on that more…

I am a Ph.D. student, so I have a history of filling out applications for government funding or graduate school. These applications frequently contain questions about gender and sexuality.

I would describe myself as anti-label with respect to my gender. I am comfortable being called basically anything. I think outwardly I seem like a cis guy, but some queer people have described me as being agender (and I think this is reasonable). If you want to get into microlabels, some terms that might describe me are "gender apathetic" or "cis by default". I don't really feel strongly about any of these things.

Is it ethical for me to choose my answer to a question about gender based on what I think the reviewer is looking for? For example, when submitting an application to a program that makes diversity one of its goals, I might list myself as agender. Whereas when applying to a grant from the US government, I would list myself as male so the current administration™ doesn't think I'm woke.