u/Scared-Owl2751

TW: CSA

Younger sibling here. My older sibling sexually abused and psychologically manipulated me for 10 years of our childhood, lasting up until high school when they started dating their current fiance. They have plans to get married soon. Is it morally wrong for me/my parents to not tell my siblings fiancé about what they did to me? More so I’m wondering, if you were the fiance and received this news, how would you feel, is this always a dealbreaker or is there nuance to this?

I’m still in my healing journey so it would help me to know more outsider thoughts from others that are not involved in this exact situation. My mom believes her and my dad should not confront my sibling about it before the wedding whereas dad thinks it’s better sooner than later. My partner says it’s morally wrong to not tell the fiance about my siblings past, but supports my healing and that’s their top priority. What are your thoughts? Deal breaker for you? Morally wrong to not tell the fiance before the wedding? Any advice on order of events to execute this situation in the most just way?

Edit for correction:

Thanks for the engagement so far! I’m appreciating the feedback and encouragement. Just wanted to make a quick note, my partner is very supportive and despises my abuser and wants all the best for me. I completely misused “morally grey” when I actually meant “morally wrong”. My partner completely supports me in whatever I choose including disclosing to everyone what my sibling did. My healing and safety is their number one priority in all this. However, they feel morally wrong in letting the two get married without the fiance knowing.

Additionally, wanted to add that I believe it is morally wrong too to let them go through with it. I would never be okay with that in a partner. However, I am currently still healing and due to the abuse, have been very brainwashed to minimize it, hence why I am seeking this outside perspective outside of my trauma brain.

TW: Triggered talk of SA, OCD

I have OCD I believe is literally a byproduct of being molested by my sister for 10 years. I know roadkill can be an OCD trigger, but I think part of why it triggers me so hard is seeing this gruesome awful sight where a dead animal is run over and over and over while all the cars just pass by. I feel so awful for the animal period, and part of that comes from feeling like the abuse I endured was like being run over and over and over and over and you’re in so much pain and so scared but you can’t do anything and all the cars just drive by, meaning, nobody around you notices or cares enough to help you. I once saw a mother raccoon and two of her babies had been run over and two babies were still alive and she had no idea whether to continue crossing the road with her living babies or staying with her dead ones. It was such an excruciating sight when her eyes shone in my headlights, I froze and then drove by like everybody else. It felt awful. I can’t forget it. She looked so scared. And I can’t imagine how she felt but and I hate that part of myself ever makes something so awful about me, but I couldn’t help but see her pleading yes and just wish someone would stop or do something and nobody did anything. I never had to endure what she did, but I felt that pleading before. And then nobody cares and life moves on around you while you’re violated over and over again. It’s gut wrenching.

I will be okay. I just feel so alone right now, if any one has any kind words or relates to what I said, please let me know. We’re all in this together.

that’s all, I wanted to share and thought y’all would understand the win despite it being kinda heavy