Why Can't I say No
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I think I finally understand why I have such a hard time saying no to people. It is not because I physically cannot say no. I actually can. The problem is that I don't want to say no when someone is genuinely asking me for help.
If someone asks me to do something and I know I can do it, my brain immediately goes, “Why would I refuse?” They are asking me for a favor because they need help, and I have the ability to help them. So saying no feels rude to me, even when I don't really want to do what they are asking.
The other problem is that I am not good at lying. I don't want to tell someone, “Sorry, I can't,” when I know perfectly well that I actually can. I could easily make up an excuse, but then I would feel like I am being fake. And if I tell the truth and say, “I can, but I don't want to,” that sounds much harsher.
So I end up choosing the easier option: I help them.
This is why people sometimes ask me to cover shifts, do things they don't want to do, or take on extra work. I could say no, but I usually don't because I know I am capable of doing it. And once someone asks me directly, I feel responsible for helping them.
What is funny is that someone who is willing to lie can sometimes look like the nicer person. They can say, “Sorry, I can't,” even when they could, and everyone accepts it. Meanwhile, someone who is honest enough to say, “I could, I just don't want to,” can be seen as rude or selfish.
I don't think refusing to help automatically makes someone a bad person. I am starting to understand that either. Helping people is something I genuinely value, but there is a difference between helping someone because I want to and helping someone because I feel guilty for saying no.
Maybe my problem isn't that I can't say no. Maybe it is that I have always associated saying no with being rude, while saying yes feels like being a good person.
And honestly, I would rather be honest than make up a lie just to make my refusal sound nicer. I just need to understand that being honest about my limits does not automatically make me a bad person.