Im afab nonbinary and almost 20 and I get the results of my assessment tomorrow. Im really really scared. My psychiatrist told me not to seek a diagnosis and said weird things like "everybody makes spreadsheets of stuff they like" (which i DONT believe to be true and that symptom wasnt the main reason i was seeking a diagnosis anyways and was a side note i made). She then sent a bunch of mychart messages recanting everything she had said and said that she meant something else that was completely opposite than what she ACTUALLY said and it was just strange.
Then, I went to three different offices just trying to get ANYONE to jusf talk to me and interview me but no one diagnosed adults. My mom found this one woman/professional who could do it, but I feel like all the questions I was asked were too rapid fire and I feel like I didnt understand the questions/took them too literally.
Im a bit more hopeful because she was also a late diagnosed woman who started seeking answers after her child got diagnosed, and thats similar to my story so I feel like shed be more likely to believe me.
Im just really scared she wont catch it, I went 20 years without doctors realizing but all doctors made little comments in my files that are now so obviously just avoiding diagnosing a smart little girl with autism. I know its just my OCD talking but Im also scared that Im just making it up and want to be different just because my brother has it (even though I know thats not true) Ive voiced these concerns to friends and family who all just said "No we KNOW youre autistic youll be fine" which kind of helps but also thats weird to think of? Its a whole new label and i always thought i "hid" it really well and if its so obvious why didnt a doctor say anything? Its crazy that in like 15 hours Ill know if ive been disabled and untreated my whole life, and that i will feel these feelings forever.
Its early in the morning and I havent slept and I didnt eat all yesterday and Im just so scared of not getting the one diagnosis that would make my whole life make sense. What if Im not autistic and the reason i cant make friends or connect or be normal is because i have a bad personality or something 😭
You can kind of tell but Im very tired and pretty high and just needed to vent. I'm just tired of being an AFAB person who needs any sort of diagnosis in general because its IMPOSSIBLE. I just want to be believed and be reassured by a diagnosis that none of my trouble connecting or being human is my fault i guess?