She found me crying and she said it was an 'ick'.
WARNING; mentions of suicide.
Massive serving of iskender kebap from my local pizzeria.
I'm a usually a pretty stoic guy. I'm not very good at showing emotions. It's not like I don't feel them or that I repress them, but I guess I just don't show them too often.
Five years ago my mother committed suicide. It's one of those suicides where nothing makes sense. No note (which I've now learned is quite common), no indications, no cries for help, nothing. It just happened one day.
The first six months I was just devastated. I was a husk of a human being, thinking and speculating on why she could've done this or what happened. I had no answers. Everything else in my life was on auto-pilot. I remember how oddly fast those months flew by.
After a while just had to try to accept it and try to continue with my life and not let it consume me.
Fast forward two years, and I enter a new relationship with this woman. I've obviously mentioned that my mother is not alive, and stuff like that, but I've never mentioned what happened. Mostly because I don't want to talk about it.
A week ago she finds me crying in the bedroom. My sister had been sharing some pictures in the family group chat, and she posted an image of her (then weeks old) daughter and my mom and it kind of just broke me. My mom was so happy in that picture. So I just sat down on the bed and started bawling. My girlfriend comes into the room and ask what's happening, and I respond that I saw an image of my mom and how much I missed her. My girlfriend comes in and comforts me the best she can, and after a while I collected myself and went on with my life.
Yesterday she texted me that she have been thinking about what happened that night, and that it had been gnawing on her. Her 'image' of me has changed a bit and she has mixed feelings about it.
"I just think of it as a bit of an ick"
She comes from a family and culture where the men in that family shouldn't show emotions, and if they were to become emotional they should make sure no one sees them. That kind of stuff.
Anyways, here we are today. I'm planning on giving her a couple of days to think it over and then I'll confront her again regarding it. I'm not planning to repress my emotions with the fear of having her think less of me. I'm very much on the train that men should be able to express how they feel without being judged, even though I'm bad at doing it myself. Depending on how she reacts it might be the end of this relationship. Wish me luck!