u/Grey-Box-Gaming

(Note to self: next time when you write stupid shit don't label it as part one.)

I've seen the highest highs, but right now I am most certainly at my lowest lows. I'm finishing this and then going right back to shitposting.

Lumen: It's... just an umbrella? You know what, thats good. A tier. Would probably feel nice enough. Too pointy to be an S tier.

Mantra: While it is her tail, I am most definitely going to get a large bout of nervous impairment or paralysis. So while it is organic, its not the kind I'm sadly looking for. C tier.

Mizuki: The tentacles along with his gentleness go for an easy S tier.

Mon3tr: Shoving her Predecessor tech claws inside of my ass is a horrible idea. This has to be by far the worst one possible ignoring the burning or freezing ones. Just imagine how sharp true damage is. F tier.

Mostima: Going with the 'White key' part of the ancient Kazdelian staves, the pointy tip goes for a nice appetizer, while the round circular part would be the main course. Ignoring the funky time shit, I think its a solid A tier.

Mountain: Think of Exusiai alter's railcannon but a thousand times rougher and sharper. As much as we joke about getting fisted its probably going to hurt much more then it feels good. D tier.

Mudrock: The hammerhead (Thank you for the term!) is too wide to fit in. D tier.

Muelsyse: Judging by the staff, its certainly a... shape. Uncertain about the feel but at least it will be moisturized. Sadly its looking a bit too large. B tier.

Młynar: I'm going to say that since its so bright its going to burn my ass to a crisp. D tier.

Nearl Alter: Too hot just like Młynar. D tier.

Nian: The sword might be fine? Maybe? Let's hope its not spicy or hot or anything. Although the size is too big. C tier.

Passenger: Much like Goldenglow, I love the stimulation, but I fear it may be too much. He is probably much more intense with the shock in terms of the weapon, so a respectable A tier.

Penance: At least the hammerhead has a small spike that seems reasonable. Rest of it is too big however. Overall B tier but don't shove it all in.

Pepe: Too sharp, too big, horrible idea. Tip is BARELY manageable if your feeling extra freaky so C tier.

Pramantix alter: Going with the bells... I don't think the cold will let me feel a thing down there. D tier.

Raidian: I want to get fingered so badly (At least I think thats what shes using, the gloves). S tier.

Reed alter: Would burn me to the ground. F tier. Too hot.

Rosa: You know what? We can make this work. Maybe. Maybe just the tip. B tier.

Rosmontis: YOEEEWWWWAAAAAOOOOWWWCH F tier.

Sankta Miksaparato: This is a horrible idea, but if we used only a single gun barrel of the giant gun, then it would go okay. B tier.

Schwarz: Okay the TIP of the crossbow is the only part that will fit and even then it will HURT. C tier.

Siege: I think its like a case of Penance where you can see a small tip at the top of the weapon. This ones too small and you won't feel much. C tier.

Silverash/Alter: Maybe. B tier at most. Might be too much with the length.

Skadi: Glorified measuring stick for how much of it you can take in. C tier.

Skadi Alter: That thing probably has seaborn cells all over it. F tier.

Specter Alter: Gavial Alter but its from the sea. F tier.

Surtr: Yes I'm on fire and not in a good way. F tier.

Swire Alter: I want to feel a champagne bomb explode inside of my anus. But now that I think of it, it might not feel the best compared due to how sudden it is. I want it to be a bit more spread out so I have to settle with only an A tier instead of the S I was originally going to put.

Texas Alter: Blueberry doesn't look any better then Dark chocolate. C tier.

Thorns: My ass is GONE. F tier.

Thorns Alter: If the alchemical units like crack and burst inside of me it might be over. But it's a risk I will take because the shape is pretty great. A tier.

Tragodia: Nervous impairment is a bitch and just like Mantra I can't handle it. D tier.

Typhon: WHICH PART DO I EVEN SHOVE IN??? Anyways they all seem too sharp and pointy. C tier.

Ulpianus: By some comment on the last part I have learned that theres a song called 'Fucked With An Anchor'. The TIP is the only redeeming part, like Penance and Siege. D tier.

Vigil: Smaller then most other weapons and if we're only shoving one I can make it work. A tier.

Virtuosa: The cello is not ready for me. The size is average but the shape might have problems at the top. B tier.

Vulpisfoglia: Too sharp. C tier.

W: It's like Ash as long as you only put the tip in and pray for no boom. I know discharges can't technically happen but I will weigh it in the ranking. B tier.

Wiš'adel: I don't read much lore but from what I get of it, this one might just be unrankable because it depends on how freaky the Kindling Revenant is. Probably angry but we never know?

Alright thats it. I made this while again at an authentic zero sanity. Never again.

(Why did I make this?)

Rules

1: The 'weapon' part of the weapon goes in, for example: Mudrock's hammer goes in on the side with the actual... hammer part. Not the rod.

2: If an operator uses multiple weapons, I will just pick one.

3: My standards are pretty low because these are weapons. Take the rankings with a grain of salt and remember it is subjective. I shitpost too much and I won't be suprised if half of these are wrong.

4: The chance of a weapon discharging inside of me is done case by case.

Aak: The last thing I want is for his gun to fire while inside and hit me with 500x15 damage. But it might feel strange due to the shape? C tier.

Angelina: Staff's kinda shaped like a spear you know? As long as its turned off it probably would feel great. A tier.

Ash: Let's hope that grenade launcher isn't loaded. B tier if you just try the tip.

Bagpipe: There's deep, but then there's too deep. I don't like the length, but I usually would like spears...? B tier.

Bellone (Demetri): A knife is fine until theres multiple, then it's not good but painful. D tier.

Blaze: Okay, so hypothetically speaking, if it was turned on I need to pray and clench my buttcheeks, but if its off then we're at least not the most screwed? B tier. Depends on how much of it I can get in.

Blemishine: If we go with the sword then theres not much to it. Might be a bit sharp but I welcome it. Might be a bit too long, so B tier.

Ceobe: Either REALLY COLD or REALLY HOT, F tier! Thats not what I want at all!

Ch'en: Chi Xiao would most DEFINITELY reject me and erupt inside of my ass. F tier.

Summer Ch'en: Same case as Blemishine, I think it's pretty normal for a ranged. B tier.

Civilight Eterna: ORBS! ORBS! I WANT ORBS INSIDE OF ME, WHATEVER SHES SPAWNING! EASY S TIER!

Closure: Lambda disapproves, but I disagree. A tier. Size is just right, not to mention the square shape.

Crownslayer: The sword is too curved and my insides would not have a fun time with the pressure causing it to move around. Unfortunately I must say C tier for this as sad as it is for me...

Eunectes: Tomahawk shape is unique and would go great. Hopefully it's not the sharpest. A tier.

FedEx: Any accidental discharge and I'm dead. D tier. Of course he would never have accidents, but you must remember I'm the one with the shotgun up my ass.

Exusiai: Well, kinda like Eunecte's tomahawk but with an added chance of blowing up in your ass. B tier.

Exusiai Alter: Bagpipe but stretched out at the start, it would certainly hurt more, not feel good more. C tier. Now imagine if the skill three activated while inside...

Fiammetta: Same as Ash. PRAY. B tier as its a bit smaller then Exia Alter.

Gavial Alter: Blaze but on steroids and I think it might be over for me. I'm getting split apart, so F tier.

Gladiia: Bagpipe but thinner and probably wet with seawater. I think this ones a C tier.

Goldenglow: THINK OF THE SHOCK AND STIMULATION! S TIER! Namie don't turn me into jellyfish food

Haruka: Can't be that bad, a bit big but nothing I can't handle. Won't be good stretched out that much though. B tier.

Hoederer: It gets wider and wider but also its too sharp. We're basically slicing apart my asscrack here. C tier.

Hoshiguma/Alter: F tier. I'd just die.

Ifrit: If that thing's on fire, I'm certainly not ignited with a burning desire. F tier. Don't burn me to the ground.

Irene: Rapier is too sharp and too thin. But then again it would probably fit so B tier. Just don't try and jam it in.

Kal'tsit: Finally, a gun that will actually heal me so I don't have to worry about the accidental discharge! Easy and solid A tier.

Lappland Alter: I always wanted to tango with the weapons that conduct the Signore Dei Lupi. It's like Irene's rapier but zigzags a bit. A tier.

Lemuen: Pray it doesn't blow you to pieces and its a good A tier.

Lin: Well, its long, and a bit sharp. Probably arts infused so who knows how it would go. B tier.

Ling: Lanterns don't go well with all the sharp and pointy bits. C tier.

Logos: Unrankable. His weapon is his mouth and not in the fun sexy way.

Thats like half of the six stars I can bother to write down or know. Bye. This was written when I was at an authentic sanity amount totalling to zero.

Have you heard her singing? Its like a combination of a gentle soothing Russian voice and your mother singing you a lullaby. Sure we got twenty to thirty seconds of her majestic voice in her idle voiceline, but it is not enough to satiate the burning thirst I have inside of my head. I want her to come home drunk beat me into a pulp and then sing me sweet lullabys while telling me how sorry she is. Man, I think there might be no more hope for me...

I want Warfarin to ravage my neck throughly. That is all, what do I even say next?