Just venting I guess
I’d like to preface this by saying nothing really brought this on, just doin lots of thinking.
Hi for the many of you who are likely unfamiliar with me. I’m Grey, I’m 25. My pronouns are they/them.
Fair warning from here this will likely devolve into rambling as is my nature (and adhd)
I hate how gendered EVERYTHING is, nothing really more to say on this one besides it bugs the shit outta me.
I’m so sick of being misgendered literally every time I go anywhere at all. Granted I haven’t changed my name yet,(can’t afford to) but it’s often to the point where it seems malicious. I KNOW I’m visibly uncomfortable when it happens and I have a slightly visible chest now like, dude I have boobs(didn’t expect to like having them tbh) and I’m still aggressively he him-d me everywhere I go. I’m not a shy person but I’m also too tired to correct everyone all the time. I understand why it happens. (Although my voice really isn’t that much of a giveaway that I’m amab, it’s decently androgynous given I don’t have a sore throat or anything, though I still have dysphoria regardless both because of my body shape, face and voice on the days where it is deeper than I’d like)
I figured pretty early on in my teen years that I definitely wasn’t a guy (didn’t stop me from desperately trying to ignore it and attempt to blend in in order to have some kind of friendships) but I didn’t have the words, when I finally found some kind of way to explain how I felt (not exactly accurate but still should have been something my parents would listen to, spoiler alert they did not) at maybe 15 I came out as a trans girl (not quite true but getting closer there younger me) I was told I was copying my older brother. I was told it’s just your bpd making you copy people again… then I tried again at 17 with the correct words. This time I was ignored completely. Then finally at 19 they listened. I love my parents dearly but they are immensely stubborn. It took me almost 3 years after that to try to get any kind of hrt (hell even finding a decent therapist was awful) I’ve been on e for around 4 years now which has been great, low doses (currently at 2mg) and last year I started taking spiralactone (t blocker for those who don’t know) which has also been great. Unfortunately I already finished puberty when I was 17 (I was late on that whole thing, wish it never happened but it is what it is)
Of course the last few years have come with plenty of issues. Like cysts in places you really don’t want them. (If your curious testicular cysts) while they don’t hurt all the time it unfortunately reminds me all to often that I was in fact born with shit I don’t fucking want. I had surgery to have the cysts removed, they came back in like a month. Then the second time the ultrasound was wrong and the cut open the wrong spot. The stitches ruptured and I had to go back in I spent an hour bleeding in the waiting room. And the surgeon got snippy with ME. Between not being able to shower or shave for weeks both times due to well the obvious. The worst part is the problem STILL PERSISTS. Ughhhh
I hate body hair, honestly I hate it on me and I don’t particularly like it on others. Not sure why (maybe it’s the texture on others, autism can be a bit weird with hyper sensitivity)
So the fact that I shave everyday (which my dad loves to criticize me for saying it’s absurd) is less because it’s visible after 24 hours and more because it’s itchy and the feeling makes me dysphoric.
I wish I could be totally androgynous or shapeshifter or hell maybe have gone on puberty blockers when I realized something was wrong. Unfortunately I can’t change the past (or even get my parents to acknowledge what they did and how it ensured I would never be able to be fully happy with my body)
Between spending my childhood from 5-19 on plenty of meds that really didn’t help me at all and only numbed my every emotion to the point where all I remember of certain points in my life is a blur of nothing and others overly vivid to the point where I still remember the smell and texture of places I spent very little time. I was always in my own head desperate to be anywhere but the physical world. Especially after my first boyfriend.. well I’m sure you know where that’s going. Trigger warning here
Seriously if you’re uncomfortable with any kind of SA please stop reading here.
While it’s not like he raped me in the traditional sense, he still molested me. He stuck his hands down my pants and played with well you know for a few minutes despite me saying I wasn’t comfortable with it. Of course me being the people pleaser I was. Said nothing after the fact and tried to bury that memory.
He was a controlling little shit, I shamed me for not wanting to be a big hairy man for him, truth be told I didn’t love him at all, I have zero clue why we ever dated. In all honesty I have never actually loved any of the people I dated. I was just so numb and hurting that I tried to force myself to. Even when it ended up with shit like that.
Ok you should be ok to keep reading now
It took me a long time to realize why literally no relationship seemed to make me feel anything, between my falsifying my own emotions, and hating how I was supposed to behave for them, I knew that someday in the near future they’d all want the same thing. Sex
I HATE it. I don’t mind kissing and cuddling, but anything past that is a nope. Something about genitals in general is a massive nope for me.
Yea turns out I’m a sex repulsed ace.
Took ya way too long there me!
That was something I only realized within the last year or 2.
So yea.
Which of course brings me to the next point. I hate how overly sexualized everything is all the time. I can’t even romance a character in a game without sex basically being a fucking requirement.
Looking at you baldurs gate 3
Sorry for the massive rant and likely horrid formatting I am on the mobile app and have like no clue how to do anything on here. If there’s any problems with my post please let me know.
And I’m sorry for how wordy this is at times.
I don’t really do stuff like this often. But I needed to get it out somehow and maybe someone would get something out of my insane rambling about how I feel.
Ps: I really don’t want pity, in the grand scheme of things people have been through so much worse and my story is a story of a boring unimportant enby from nj but maybe it will be something interesting to read at least. Cya- Grey