AITA for wanting to do things my way?
I (45F) need guidance on how to be better at compromising without losing my sanity. I don’t expect people to do things my way—I just want to be left to do the things I’ve clearly said I’ll handle. I’ve been told to “just accept help as it is given,” and I find that hard. I’m starting to think the common denominator might be me, so I’m asking for perspective and practical advice.
Backstory: My in-laws moved in with us. MIL is 62, FIL is 68. Two weeks in, FIL cornered me and said we need to keep MIL busy and hand over the house duties—cooking, cleaning, etc. I said no: that’s unfair, she’s not our maid, and I like to manage my own home. He insisted that she’s the only one not working and this would be her “contribution.” I reluctantly agreed to a partial handover: MIL could help with some cooking and some cleaning, but everyone stays responsible for their own living areas and their own laundry.
Before they arrived, I did most of the cooking. I meal-planned, defrosted in the morning, and we ate early. My husband (45M, married 10 years) would cook with me. When MIL took meals, we started eating late because the meat was still frozen and she’d say she didn’t know what we wanted or how we liked it.
We tried meal kits. All she had to do was match the color bag to the recipe. That was “too hard,” so my husband started helping her as he got home before me. Then the kits were “too weird,” and FIL wouldn’t eat half of it. New plan: we made a weekly meal list on the fridge and shopped accordingly. MIL didn’t participate and the same cycle continued. We set up an Alexa for the grocery list and asked her to add items as they ran out—or just write it on the fridge list. That also didn’t happen. Now my husband basically cooks most nights. I love that he’s good in the kitchen, but what was supposed to “keep her busy” turned into him taking over the thing I used to do and enjoy. It feels like I’m the demanding one and he’s scrambling to avoid conflict, instead of just letting me do it.
Cleaning is similar. MIL will sit all day, then get upset if I start cleaning, claiming she already did it, when it’s obvious it wasn’t, or telling me to leave it for tomorrow (and then it doesn’t get done). I heard “sit down and relax” so many times I wanted to scream. Sitting still does not relax me. If I kept cleaning, her feelings got hurt. She’s nice to me only when FIL is around.
Laundry is my breaking point. I explicitly said, “Please leave my washing; I’ll do it.” She kept folding my clothes anyway and going into our bedroom to put them away. Two issues: 1) I’m particular about folding—consistency matters to me. If it’s not done the same way, I’ll refold. 2) Boundaries: we have a laundry room. Please don’t go into our bedroom. I asked politely multiple times. Eventually I said, in front of both men: “Mom, thank you for folding again, but I’ve asked you to leave my washing because I have to refold everything. Please just leave it.” She sulked. My husband keeps saying, “People are just trying to help. You can’t always have things your way. You’re being unreasonable.”
For context: as a rule I don’t want guests to help clean up when they visit. I care about my home, not how others run theirs. I have different cloths/brushes for specific tasks. I like my kitchen sponge/scrubber system a certain way. I make the bed every morning, kitchen’s reset at night, towels aligned, cushions fluffed. Yes, I’m particular. Friends and my husband make fun of me for it. I don’t expect others to match me—I just want to do my own tasks my way when I’ve said I’ll handle them.
I know this might sound a bit OCD-adjacent (not self-diagnosing), but I don’t think I’m extreme. I’m asking: How do I become more acceptable to those around me without abandoning what keeps me calm and functional? Where is the compromise when “help” feels intrusive, inconsistent, or creates more work? I get to feel like I am to much and ungrateful. Especially when my husband minimizes my requests?
AITH for wanting things my way?