44M, divorced after 10 years (my fault) — trying to understand if anything can be rebuilt after crossing a line
Post:
I’ve spent the last few months reading posts here and trying to learn from other people’s experiences. I think it’s time I share mine and ask for perspective.
I’m 44, recently divorced after a 10-year marriage. We have two kids. The separation happened about 3 months ago, divorce finalized 2 months ago.
The reason is on me, and I won’t sugarcoat it: during an argument, I slapped my wife. Twice.
This had never happened in the 10 years before. That doesn’t make it better — if anything, it makes it worse, because it shows I was capable of crossing a line I always believed I never would.
I’m not trying to justify it. There is no justification for that.
But I’ve been trying to understand it, because I don’t want to ever become that version of myself again.
What I think happened, looking back:
I was emotionally overloaded and not handling stress well at all
I had zero control in that moment — it was impulsive, not calculated
I failed completely at managing conflict like an adult
Again, none of this excuses it. It just helps me see how badly I failed in that moment.
After that, things moved fast. I moved out. She stayed in the house with the kids. We went through the divorce without conflict — I agreed to everything, didn’t argue, didn’t try to fight it.
Now we’re co-parenting. And this is where things get confusing for me.
Our communication is… functional, sometimes even calm. It has softened compared to the beginning. We talk about the kids, school, logistics. Sometimes:
she asks my opinion on things
messages feel a bit more relaxed
conversations occasionally last a bit longer than strictly necessary
But we never talk about what happened. Not even once.
And I live with that constantly in the background. Not in a dramatic way, but it’s always there — the awareness that I caused this, and that I broke something fundamental.
I’m trying to rebuild myself:
working consistently
staying present for the kids
doing practical things (I even spend time in my workshop just to stay grounded)
trying to be stable and respectful in every interaction with her
But internally, I don’t know what direction I’m in.
Part of me thinks: “Just give it time. Show through actions. Don’t push.”
Another part of me thinks: “If you never address it, it will stay buried and impossible to rebuild anything real.”
And I genuinely don’t know how to read her behavior:
Is she just being civil because we have kids?
Or is there some level of openness that’s just… very cautious?
So I’m asking people here, especially those who’ve been on either side of something like this:
From your perspective, is rebuilding even realistic after something like this?
If you were in her position, what would actually matter over time — if anything?
Is it better to explicitly ask for a conversation about what happened, or leave it alone unless she brings it up?
How do you tell the difference between basic co-parenting civility and potential emotional openness?
I’m not looking for comfort or validation. I know what I did.
I’m just trying to understand what is realistic from here — and how to act in a way that is at least decent and responsible, regardless of the outcome.
Thanks to anyone willing to share their perspective.