Dysphoria making me upset at my bf for the stupidest thing ever
So I (22F) and my BF (28M) have been together for nearly eight months now. I'm trans and he's cis. It's honestly been like the dream relationship. He's handsome, funny, and just so genuinely kind. We have so many shared interests and he doesn't drain my social battery. We're aligned on politics and he's just so so amazing. We have hardly ever had any problems at all. I have a key to his place and am actually in the process of gradually moving in.
The only problem, which to be very clear is very much a me problem, is he's a switch. I've kinda always suspected as I usually am pretty good at picking up on those kinds of things but I never acknowledged it in my brain until now because I knew I'd stupidly freak out internally if I did. Earlier tonight we were talking about which bg3 characters are tops or bottoms or switches and I said that the character I made was a bottom because I gave her some of my characteristics. He said his was probably a switch for the same reason. Now this alone would honestly have caused a freak out but I shot myself in the food even more and asked if he'd ever thought about pitching instead of catching and he told me he had and he'd experimented with himself before.
Now to be clear I have absolutely no issue with men bottoming or being switches or anything like that but the idea of me ever toping really triggers my dysphoria terribly. When we'd started dating I told him I exclusively bottomed just because I always do that just so it's crystal clear and he'd is more than ok with that. He loves topping me and has no issue not bottoming. And I know he'd never force me to do anything I'd be uncomfortable with but my stupid brain is still freaking out and I hate it. I keep thinking "well before you started dating he didn't know that so what if he thought about you topping him, or even fantasized about it," and it makes me so upset the idea of anyone thinking of me that way, like I wanna crawl out of my own skin.
I never should have asked the question. I am sometimes to curious for my own good. I'm not mad at him ovi he did nothing wrong. I love him so much and nothing will change that. He's the man I want to marry. None of that has changed I still want to be with him forever.
Part of me wants to be like "hey you know that conversation we had can we pretend that never happened and never bring it up again I love you and you didn't do anything wrong but my dysphoria is a bitch and is freakin tr out," but I don't wanna make him feel bad. It's not his fault it's just dysphoria dysphoriaing. Idk, Ik I'll get over it eventually but still ugh, hate dysphoria.