Stumbled on videos of my abuse and I really need someone to soothe the crying child in my chest
I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I'm all out of sorts.
I knew th videos existed, they were the source of a lot of arguments growing up. They're me having what I now know are autistic meltdowns while NM berates and scolds me. I'm usually under the table or on the floor. It was her favourite thing to do when she couldn't get me to stop crying or screaming that my brain was getting bigger and bigger and I was too little to stop it.
I was watching old home videos. I knew there was a chance I'd find one and was ready. But I got lost in an old video of me playing with my dad that had me smiling and laughing along with little me. And then it cuts to me, naked and tear stained on the floor, and the start of her voice in some insult or another to the camera.
It messed me up a lot. I sat on the floor for a while. I went outside. Started having stomach issues and went to bed and suddenly I can't stop crying. The video before was so beautiful, I felt the love and trust and joy coming from it. To have it cut so suddenly to the next one hit me somewhere that I can't reach. I'm crying an I'm hurting and the scared child in me wants to cry to mommy but I can't. I can't. I feel lost and I don't know what to do.
I just would really appreciate some kind words or comfort. I feel so empty