My check this week is going towards rent. I still need to pay my electric bill. I can repay in two installments from my next two pay periods.
I can provide income verification.
I know this sounds awful but I seriously hate my child. I am sick of him he is awful he destroys everything I own wastes food that I don't have money to replace and at best will be a leech off disability in the future. He will never be an active member of society and its breaking me every day. I left an extremely abusive situation with his father to protect us, I have poured every last dime I have into aba therapy, speech and ot. None of it matters he doesn't get any better and he will never be normal. I have no support from my family or his fathers family, I work and because I make too much for state help but too little to survive I struggle. With gas, my housing, and food cost(especially since he constantly refuses non preferred foods which are all junk) I really really can't do this anymore. I hate him I hate him I hate him. I wish I was never a mom. I gave up everything to protect him and try to provide a stable home but he destroys everything he can, meltdowns, constantly having to repeat simple things that he will never grasp. I know I'm a terrible mother, it just feels like life is a sick cruel joke. I get an awful family that doesn't support me, I picked an awful partner who abused me like a dumb ass and then had a baby with him that ended up with severe autism. Its just not fair but life isn't fair I guess. I just constantly battle with the feeling that I got dealt the shittiest hand at life possible and somehow managed to fuck it up even more by having a child I can't even properly care for or love. If I were a good mom I would stick my head down and just do what needs to be done work, take care of him and then die. Even after I die he will just be given to some group home, and even though he irrates me everyday it breaks me thinking about how confused he will be when I'm gone. I hope someone will care for him where he ends up even though its unlikely. I mourn the fact my life will never be what I dreamed it would and that I'm trapped with a disabled child, and that I did I do this to myself. Why did I believe my ex when he told me he wanted to be a family and would clean up his act. I'm just rambling at this point so ill stop but Im just being crushed by the American system from all sides and I have no support, I hate myself for hating him and I wish I could just feel nothing.
EDIT - I did not expect this post to get so many responses and well wishes. I really appreciate everyone for guiding me towards resources and for showing me that I'm not alone. there are tons of people who understand / have experienced what I'm going through. I almost feel like I should change the title now(because I do love my son) but I also feel it resonates with other asd parents that may need some of the great advice in this thread too. Thank you all for your perspective and virtual hugs!