u/GrowthCertain4435

I probably don't even need to explain the kind of panic attack/break down I mean. The "what's the point of living, god I wish I were dead I've ruined everything everything in my life is just hopeless and painful and full of suffering and grief, god I'm such an awful person for all this", the "I just had what should've been a perfectly lovely evening with my partner/family and now I've absolutely ruined it for both of us and they probably completely hate me and think I should be in a psych ward, which I probably should because I'm literally screaming and hysterical and feel like I can't even control myself and this outburst at all" kind of break down. I feel so ashamed, alone, hopeless, and just full of absolute despair. I feel like this constant cycle of 2 weeks of complete hell is actually going to kill me someday. I just want to know I'm not alone. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to live anymore, or if I even can.

Hi, new here and diagnosed in the last 6 months. To give you some initial context, I have just ovulated yesterday and per usual, as soon as ovulation begins, I now feel like shit mentally. Just a few days ago I can remember thinking about how exciting it would be if someday me and my partner (of 2 years) got married. Now Im sitting in bed at 1am crying and thinking about how I should probably just break up with him. I don't know what to do and most of all, I don't know how to differentiate between valid decisions and unnecessary ones.

We have a loving, healthy relationship, not perfect ofc but he's genuinely the most caring, loving, gentlemanly, mature, empathetic man I've ever met. Like, I didn't know it was possible to be so wonderful until I met him and not in a "I'm jaded from past men" kinda way, simply because he's so....well just amazing. There are definitely a couple personality differences that I question (not during PMDD phases) whether we are fully compatible, but overall with personality, goals, values, even hobbies, we are quite compatible. I think the biggest challenge I face with our compatibility is sometimes I doubt my physical attraction to him (again, I mean outside of PMDD symptoms) while yet still being capable of feeling more physical attraction to other random people and I dont really know why. He's a perfectly good looking guy, there's nothing the matter with him and I love him. So I don't know why I sometimes struggle with that and I do really really hate it. Maybe it's because of my doubts about our personality compatibilities, like maybe something is missing there which then affects my physical attraction? Idk, share your thoughts. Regardless, it's not that I'm not physically attracted to him period, I am, I'm just sick of the doubts and the fact that they even exist and feeling like a horrible person because of them.

All that to say, those things are present outside my PMDD symptoms, but I am still happy in my sane times and so, so well loved and cared for, including and most especially during my PMDD spirals. But during ovulation until my period begins and I feel like shit, all the previously mentioned doubts and feelings increase times 100 and think "I should just break up with him, it's hopeless, I can't fix the attraction thing, what a shitty person you are questioning your attraction to him while still being more attracted to others" etc etc, and then I spiral further thinking about how much it would gut me to lose him and vice versa.

I just do not know what the right thing for me to do is. If I leave, I feel like I'll quite literally kms because of the grief and despair of losing him. I love him so, so much. If I stay, I feel like the feelings and doubts will never get better and I'll just forever be stuck in this hellish cycle that takes over for half of each month of my life. I know the things I mentioned are definitely things that need to be worked out (somehow) but idk if that's even reasonable or if I just need to break up. I can't tell the valid decisions from the unvalid. Please help me.