I need some help trying to sort out my beliefs
Before I get into the details of my post I'd like to share a story with you.
Centuries ago during the Ming Dynasty in the Sichuan province, there used to be a famous blacksmith and a merchant. The blacksmith was renowned all over the province for making high quality tools, however, until that point he had never made a sword, a halberd or a shield before for he felt there was no need to.
The merchant was a well known tradesman with excellent wares. He and the blacksmith had an agreement to sell the smith's tools for a fraction of the earnings. One day, the emperor Zhu Di, needing to suppress a rebellion in the province of Zhending, was in need of weapons. He sent an advisor, Zheng He to seek out those who could help in the war efforts.
Zheng He eventually met the merchant and after discussing the situation, the merchant agreed to speak to the blacksmith. However the blacksmith was confused. He didn't know how to make spears and shields, let alone armor for both soldiers and cavalry. But he tried his best and in a few months gave the merchant everything he could make.
Zheng He, however was a smart fellow. He asked the merchant if he could test the weapons before he purchased them. But the merchant grew shocked.
He thought to himself "How could someone question the blacksmith's work? Only a fool would judge the blacksmith's work". But as the doubt grew in him, he eventually pushed it aside. Placing his faith in the blacksmith's handiwork, he told the advisor to take the goods as they were, so as to not spoil them.
Ironically, this very faith in the blacksmith's work costed the empire everything. During the incursion into Zhending, the armor was torn apart like paper, their shields broke with a single arrow and their blades bent and flattened against their enemy, leading to the deaths of thousands.
This story did not actually happen, however the moral still stands. Blind faith in any ideal is dangerous, and questioning such faith should not be treated as sin. Had the merchant questioned the craftsmanship of the weapons, those men may have lived.
I have in the last few months done a lot of searching into whether God exists, whether religions are delusions cooked by "wise men" to soothe the minds of the easily terrified or are simply methods to control the masses to do their bidding and whether or not miracles happen or are simply moments of wishful thinking.
I will say this. My interest in science began during my childhood and I am well aware of the concepts of quantum mechanics, evolution, abiogenesis and many other natural phenomenon.
When I started getting questions on my faith I turned to my family and friends, but I kept getting the answer that I should "Keep my religious brain and my scientific brain apart" and that "I would never get an answer from trying to explain faith using science"
But then I'd see atheists with reasonable, logical takes on religion citing human behavioral patterns and critical thinking to explain all the faiths of the world and how peaceful they were with their findings and that confused me as well. So now I started thinking "Am I an atheist or not?"
Please, I really don't know what to do. I don't know what option to pick and I seem to be at an impasse.