u/GuardOfGeese

TW for homophobia from family and a self-harm mention.

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I feel like I'm suffocating. I've publicly identified as a liking girls since I was 13, and as a lesbian since I was 15. I'm 20 now, soon to be 21. I'm in university; I act like I'm so free and confident there, parading as an 'out' person, but I still haven't told my parents. I've told people that I have, that they know- I've lied over and over again. I feel so alone at home. I'm sick of what I know will be conditional love. I remember being 13-14 and hearing what my mum thought of people like me. She thinks that we should just "suck it up", that we're sinners who are going to hell. She think's that queer people just need to "control their urges and inclinations". I engraved the f slur into my thigh when I was 14 years old, it's still there. As I've gotten older, our relationship has gotten so much better. Just today she bought me an art book from my favorite movie. We celebrated Mothers Day. We're so close now, but it's all so temporary. It will vanish when I tell her. She will treat me differently. She wont kick me out. She wont call me slurs to my face. It would technically be 'safe' for me to come out. But I know what she really thinks. I know that she would rather I live miserably with a man for the rest of my life, in a loveless marriage, than be with a woman who I love. I know that my dad is spineless and wouldn't stand up for me. He doesn't share her views, he would support me privately; as unexpected as it might be for him. But he genuinely just can't be bothered to argue with her. He would rather be complacent with a woman who thinks that her own daughter doesn't deserve a chance at happiness or love. He would defend me because I'm his daughter, but he wouldn't defend his daughter as a lesbian. He would defend parts of me, not all of me. He would come to my wedding someday; my mother would not. I know I am so lucky to have at least one parent like that, who will try to understand. But I wish he would see me as worth conflict in his marriage to my mum.

I began discussing with my therapist the possibility of coming out. She tried to give me hope that sometimes, a queer family member is what it takes for someone to not be homophobic anymore, even if it takes time. I do not to believe this. That hope is dangerous and I do not want it. I choose not to accept that hope because my mum already knows a lesbian, her own mother is a lesbian, but she still thinks this way. She would not leave her god and her views for her own mother, so why would she for me? I know that her homophobia is related to her upbringing in this way, as my nanna and her dad had a huge, messy, violent screaming in the streets type of divorce, due to what I can assume was her lesbianism. My nanna has been in a relationship with a woman for over 40 years, a woman who played a part in raising my mum and her sisters, but she still thinks this way. I want to tell them. I'm so sick of not being me. I feel physically sick writing this; alone in my room burnt the fuck out from university and wishing for a life with a mother who is kind. But I'm not ready to leave what my mum and I have. I would rather continue suffocating than have what I know to be true come to fruition.