Feeling resentful and annxious about cost of friend’s wedding - am I being unreasonable?
To preface this, I love my friend dearly and I really like her partner. I was so excited for them when they first announced their engagement. She’s one of the first of my close friends to get married, which made it especially exciting. I’m also going to be a bridesmaid as well.
Now, I thought I loved weddings. I come from a large family and went to lots of weddings as a child, mostly my various aunts and uncles. However, prior to social media/Americanisation, wedding culture in the UK was very different. Most of my family got married in the local church and had their reception in a nearby hotel. I obviously wasn’t going to the hen-dos, but most of these would probably have been a night out in the city. For example, my mum’s hen-do was a trip to the pub. I never knew anyone to have a destination wedding unless they were marrying someone from another country.
Now flash forward to 2026 and wedding culture is…intense. As I said earlier, this friend is among the first of my close friends to get married, so I‘ve been kind of blindsided by all the complicated rules and etiquette and most of all by the expense.
The hen-do is a trip away, so in terms of costs there’s travel, my share of accommodation, plus food and drinks and a night out when i’m there. Plus I’m coming from further away than most of the guests so my total travel is like £250 for a trip within the UK. There’s also an itinerary with different dress codes for different activities. The wedding itself is a destination wedding so I have to pay again for travel plus accommodation, and I also have had to buy my own bridesmaid’s dress (I wasn’t aware this is considered uncommon in the UK but i was speaking to my mum about it and she said she bought her bridesmaids dresses.) Plus this isn’t even factoring in things like new makeup, shoes, all the other small purchases that end up adding up, plus of course the gift. Now I completely understand the wedding is an invitation and not a summons but the reality is If you’re a close friend or family there is an obligation to attend. I also WANT to be there because I love my friend and I’m excited for her…but in all honesty the whole thing has just become a source of stress and anxiety rather than excitement, as every day the costs seem to mount up. It also doesn’t help that my friend and her partner both have very high-paying jobs, as do a lot of the wedding guests including most of the bridal party, and I don’t, in fact I’m unfortunately going through a really difficult time financially which occurred after I’d already RSPVd to both hen-do and wedding. I hate hate hate that I feel resentful but it’s just making me feel so alienated from everyone else in the bridal party.
Now I know in lots of cultures weddings are huge and extravagant so this isn’t a new or recent thing— however, from what I can gather, in lots of Desi families for example the bride’s family tend to foot the bill for the guests (?) However it seems to me UK weddings are not only increasingly extravagant in an American way, but also increasingly influenced by American norms and ettiquete with the costs increasing for the guests as well as the bride and groom. Am I imagining this? Is this just how weddings normally are, and I just have to suck it up and get used to it? I’ll be honest, the whole thing is kinda putting me off the concept of weddings full-stop. I also feel so guilty for thinking these thoughts as it feels unfair and unkind to my friend. I of course don’t want to burden her with my anxiety as I know planning weddings are very stressful, and I am of course so grateful to be a bridesmaid— but I’m worried that the stress is making me a lacklustre participant in the whole thing.