I don't know
I feel like I've just let life happen to me, like I'm not in control. But then I feel guilty like I can't just ignore my responsibility to my own life. I am just not happy and a series of dramatic big sudden decisions I didn't even fully grasp at the time have led me here. I am married, and am happy that I am, so I'm glad my choices brought me here, but I basically hate any other choice I've made. I hate that I'm in debt, I hate that my major is such a part of my identity and I don't even use my degree, I feel like such a poser. I hate that I can't get my husband to see the seriousness of all of this. Maybe he's just trying to make it seem like it's okay because he doesn't feel okay either. Neither of us want to live where we do but we are stuck, and our only support system is here so it wouldn't be wise to just risk it all. I wish I didn't have anything to risk, it would make doing something about it all so much easier. Doing something would feel better than doing nothing. I've always felt such immense anxiety and dread, and I realize I've never felt the inverse, I rarely if ever have felt excitement. Even when I've felt joy it feels like it's trapped under some sort of layer of myself. I think it's best to be your true self but I feel like no one has ever wanted to see me, regardless of my intention. I must be doing something wrong, or there's some great way I haven't discovered yet, or no one's told me about. I've always just wanted someone to help me, to be a savior, and no one but God can fill that spot, but I'm still here, just waiting.