All the people hovering around
I look back and get so frustrated with how many admirers and people she had hovering around her. As a preface, I caught mine after years into the relationship sexting multiple men and with an online hook up profile. I know why mine had so many admirers. She was beautiful and she knew exactly what to do sexually. I never had an experience intimately with anyone like I did with her.
Now I know it was love and sex bombing and mirroring of course, so I’m not debating that, but it doesn’t negate the intense experiences I had with her for years, thinking I found the most connected person to me I have ever met. It wasn’t just the intimacy either. She would show interest in some of the same things I liked and show all of this interest in me in general. She would always say she loved me etc, while she was sexting other men behind my back that I eventually found out about and saw for myself.
Clearly she had a lowered amount of empathy because she never took accountability, lied and pushed me away eventually as if I meant nothing to her. I have accepted that happened too. I’m just venting essentially.
She had this circle of men who would hover around and she would claim were friends. And where they get you, or at least she got me, is pulling the jealous card. Then you feel guilty and like shit for thinking she might be fucking this guy and start to lay back and allow things to happen that don’t feel right.
No one wants to be the jealous guy who gets upset because their partner has friends of the opposite sex. I have many female friends who are just friends 100 percent. But after this situation that took years from me, thinking I was building something with someone who looked like she wanted it too, now I’m uncomfortable with my level of trust.
To make me feel guilty and feel like a piece of shit for calling out some odd behaviors with these men in her life while fucking them or/and other men behind my back is a horrible action. I am sorry for anyone who has had to go through any of this, and especially the cheating. It leaves you with jealous behaviors that really suck. I am trying and working on it in therapy, but my ex was so good at concealing and diverting from it until I saw it years later for myself. That makes it scary to open up and not want an open phone policy etc. I am not like that and don’t want to do that because I had never been a jealous guy just to be jealous. I have nothing to hide, but that feeling of having to constantly take precautions doesn’t feel good to me. But I also don’t want to be years in again, since I’m not in my twenties anymore, to only find out years later that I got fucked over. Years wasted at that point. You don’t get those years back.
I hope everyone is doing well and getting better. I keep plugging away, but this thought creeps in every now and then for sure.