was this cocsa?
Hi everyone I need honest answers so do not be afraid to be blunt. For reference I am F20 today and reflect a lot on my childhood but most of it I do not remember. I do not remember the exact ages of when this happened but I want to say I was probably 7-9 years old. I have actually never told anyone about this or even gave any hints that something like this happened to me because I feel disgusting? The perpetrator in this situation would be my older brother who is five years older than me. The most vivid memory I have of a weird encounter with him was him calling me to his room with his penis out and saying to put my mouth on it and saying to suck it. I remember just giggling it off and saying "what?? haha why??". I think I remember even saying no a few times and him just saying "'just come on and do it". Eventually after the back and forth it was stopped by my mom calling me into the living room to grab something for her. Apart from that situation, i have really faint memories of sleeping in bed with him and him grinding or you know like move really close to my bum area with his genital area. No one in my life knows this happened and I have never shared this in the slightest or even I suppose showed signs. My mom actually really loves my brothers a lot and always praises them for being "good men". I am also the only daughter with multiple brothers. I also know deep in my heart that my mom prefers my brothers over me too. As I write this right now, I am certain I will never share this story with anyone in person but I do need clarity on if this was ever cocsa to begin with. Plus how do I even heal and move on with life or live in the same household as him when i remember certain things but somehow I keep gas-lighting myself into thinking it was all a dream.