u/Guilty-Argument1482

While being in a three-year relationship and living with my boyfriend, I fell in love with someone else.
​In January, I lost the job I had for three years. It was an all-female environment, so I wasn't meeting anyone new. Shortly after, I found a new job and fell for a coworker almost at first sight. I know practically nothing about him; he’s just very attractive. He frequently takes sick leave and skips work, which is a major red flag - someone like that wouldn't provide financial support. He also doesn't seem to have a plan for his life; he’s tried various degrees and jobs but hasn't found his path. My current job isn't a forever career either - I’m just working to support myself and pay for my uni and rent. I am a very hardworking person. I get up early every day just to fulfill my duties and I often take overtime.
​This guy is five years older than me, whereas my partner is three years younger, which sometimes results in emotional immaturity on my partner's part. I should add that this coworker is in a happy relationship. The only thing we have in common is our taste in music, but you can't build a relationship on that, nor on a handsome face. I know this 'crush' is just a projection of what’s missing in my relationship. This feeling of being in love is pleasant because it makes me feel like a teenager again - I have butterflies and my heart beats faster - but I don't want this.
​In February, I was torn and confided everything to a friend. My partner accidentally found those messages while looking for something on my phone, so he found out in the worst way possible. I wanted to leave him then so I wouldn't hurt him further, but he convinced me to fight for us. He took me on a romantic date and bought me flowers - something that had never happened before, and likely a one-off due to our financial struggles. Things got better for a while, but in early April, the feelings returned as routine and the stress of daily responsibilities crept back in.
​I feel terrible about myself, but this week I crossed every line. I’ve been dressing up and putting on makeup for work. I knew my partner realized the feelings were back, he’s not stupid, but I kept pushing it further. I crossed a boundary on Thursday when I wore red lipstick; we got into a huge fight about it. My partner had had two beers and, in a fit of rage, punched a wardrobe with all his might. It terrified me and I wanted to run away, though he apologized later. After a calmer conversation, I was given an ultimatum: I have to fix this.
​But I don't know how. On one hand, I don't want this feeling; I feel 'dirty' and ashamed, i feel like a whore. But the other part of me consciously chooses to wear dresses to work, wears heavy makeup, and goes out of her way to seek interaction with this guy. I keep telling myself that he’s in a happy relationship and I’m in a stable one. I try desperately to focus on his flaws - like his absenteeism or his not perfect teeth - but the feelings persist. It’s been three months of this infatuation. I don't know what to do, but I want to save my relationship