I'm PIMO and I need help
PIMO JW here, I just joined because I'm honestly confused, I need advice, I need help.
So I'm a 21 male, living with my parents, my father is the co-ordinator of the body of elders at my congregation, I am a ministerial servant and regular pioneer ( I'm actually going to my first pioneer school in August )my sister is also a regular pioneer, I was super PIMI, I was supposed to apply to SKE this year and become a special pioneer and hopefully a circuit overseer all my siblings have full time service goals, all of us .
I always had questions, but it was with the organization, I loved the organization, I had issues with Christianity itself, mainly the old testament Bible, and the things Jehovah did, late last year, I decided to do some research on my issues with the old testament, hoping to answer my questions, what I found of even more immoral verses in the Bible, even more death and more immoralities, and i later found some shaky stuff with the gospels and i asked myself " if jesus was some how proven to not be God's son, will i go and serve the Jewish God and wait for his Messiah? " And my answer was hell no !!, the Jews were terrible, the God was terrible, nothing about that guy was loving or good.
So I decided to look into the history, I knew a lot of Gods existed, and I couldn't take the moral high ground anymore with what I know , so I decided to look into the history of yhwh, and I thought if this God is different, the true one, the one to serve, something in the History will show some kind of supernatural event, or something so unbelievable, that's will make Jehovah stand out and that will excuse all his immoral deeds , I research and I found nothing, I found more rubbish, more reasons to doubt, and after a couple months, I came to the harsh reality that I was atheist, but I was still a ministerial servant, I was still expected to preach the "Good news", I was still expected to attend the one week long pioneer school.
I had existential anxiety for a while ,I cried , I contemplated staying in the religion for my family, I regretted doing any research, it was terrible, I decided to research the organization now I am an atheist, but even though I didn't believe in Jehovah existing, my heart was still beating fast when I look up apostate material, my hand still shaked ,i still felt anxious.
Fast forward to today, I feel disgusted by the governing body, I feel sorry for my family and everybody following the watchtower, but I know there is nothing I can do to help them.
I haven't gone out to preach for 3 months now , my father is worried, one elder keeps telling me he wants to talk to me privately, my sisters criticize me, but I just lie that I preach online and conduct studies over groups.
My dad called me last night and told me I must go out for Field service, 4 times a week, and the other 3 days I would work with him in his shop.
My mom knows my PIMO, it was hard for her for a while but he respects it, she advised me to get a job and leave the house, because if I get disfellowshipped while living with them, my life would be HELL.
I tried getting a job, but I am in a third world country, no high end skill, no money, no university degree, no nothing, I am confused, I can't leave the organization or my life is ruined , I can't leave the house because I am broke and dependent, and I can't live a lie , and my family is super PIMI, if I decided to scale down my "spirituality", I would be judged heavy and the talks from elders would be endless, i don't know what to do, I am covered in anxiety, i am scared and my life feels uncertain.
Any advice ?, any help ?, any experiences ?, I need them all