I found out that I have AuDHD a few days ago.
I must start this post with how I feel about finding this out at the age of 21.
It feels crazy. It feels like the biggest gift I have ever received in my life.
Everything in my life finally makes sense. I no longer feel like a defective person.
I finally understand myself.
I was always a charismatic kid. Adults always told my parents that I'm smart. And I had an easier time talking to adults than other kids.
But at the same time I couldn't fit into society. I desperately tried to fit in school as but I would get bullied endlessly by other kids for reasons I never understood.
How I experienced it is kids would start arguing with me and hating me for no reason at all.
When I was 10 I was I was the one of the most intelligent kids in my classroom at school yet I would fail in every single subject. I had the lowest grades in the whole classroom of 30 kids.
I had a very high near genius level IQ but I couldn't focus on any subject at all, sitting in front of the desk for hours was literal torture for me. I couldn't study no matter how much I tried.
The only subject I was good at is art. I always could draw realistically, better than my peers although my drawings were very messy.
And at recess things were no better for me. I would stand in the corner of field watching all the other kids play. Boys playing football while girls were chatting. And no one wanted to play with me. They could not relate with me.
Everyone likely saw me as a very weird kid. I never understood or found gossiping interesting. I only enjoyed talking about highly technical things.
For example I was obsessed with tech (I still am) I found mobile phones to be so cool. That was the only thing I would find interesting to talk about.
Even today as an adult I still enjoy only having conversations that will improve my life or the other person's life. If they don't then they feel like a waste of time.
It doesn't mean that I don't like talking, I actually am highly social.
I love small talk but not for the same reasons as neurotypical people do. My morals are aligned with making the world a better place. Talking to someone is an opportunity to make their day better thats why I enjoy small talk. I am happy to make the world a better place one small talk at a time. 😂
I have always been highly emotional and very empathetic. My parents would tell that I'm a
saint because I felt very high love and empathy for everything and everyone.
I have a genius level IQ today yet it feels like a curse very often.
My whole life I was always told that I am a genius from a young age.
Nearly every person I meet tells me I'm a genius. And to be honest it is flattering to be called a genius but at the same time it deeply stings.
Its bittersweet because I cannot relate with anyone at all.
My whole life I never had friends. Since I was a child I was rejected by everyone and I never understood why.
I have an easier time talking to much older people like 40 year olds than with my peers because they are more relatable. People often tell me that I act like I am way older than my age.
I have read many books. Without books I would be very far behind where I am right now. Although I act very social and appear to be socially fluent, the reality is I always only appeared to understand how to communicate with people. I had to learn how to interact with people from reading books.
I have some fears considered irrational by neurotypical people.
I fear kids. I don't fear adults, I actually can talk with adults and argue with them with no problem because that almost always follow a social script. But kids, they are unpredictable, I don't know what they are going to say next and it scares me because I don't have a framework to understand them
On the surface I never acted like someone with Autism so no one caught it.
I'm thankful that I finally know about my brain. I was masking my whole life. Now I understand that I don't need to.
I also found out that my mother also likely has undiagnosed AuDHD. When I told her about my discovery and how I was different my whole life she revealed that she had very similar struggles to mine her whole life.
Its hard for her to accept that she has Autism because she associates it with severe disability. She also discovered that she was masking her whole life.
When she realised it everything started to clicked into place for her as well.
She told me that she was masking her whole life (she is 50) and her life was very stressful and painful for her because of that.
We promised each other that we will learn to unmask and will live our own authentic lives.
We also looked at our ancestors like a great grandfather and my grandmother they were genius level intelligent and had autistic traits.
I realize that I am not the first person in my lineage to have autism. But I am the first person to finally understand my brain.
When I realized it, I started to cry because I felt so bad. I felt so much pain for everyone before me who never found out that they have autism and spent their whole life masking to fit the mould of society.
I felt very bad for people with autism who don't know that they have it.
I would literally burn out at least once a week and I always thought that I'm just a defective person but now I know that I'm not defective. I just tried to live alive that was not designed for me.
The past few days were a rollercoaster for me.
I first felt defective finding out that I have AuDHD but then I realized that autism is not a disability or a defect, autism is just a different type of brain configuration. I accepted it. And I finally feel free.
I had so many realizations in the past few days it's impossible to fit them all into a single post.
I understand that this is only the start of my journey and that I'm very lucky to be finding this out at the age of 21.
My plan is to now get officially diagnosed.
My whole life, I was adjusting and adapting to fit the standards of society and the education system.
I can finally live my life authentically.
With a diagnosis I will no longer need to adjust myself to fit the rules of a system not designed for me. I think I will be able to go to university and I will excel in there with my diagnosis.
I think I have the tools and the intelligence to be an elite level student in university with proper accommodations.
I want to say thank you for reading this post.
It really means a lot to me. Thank you.
TL;DR: Found out I have AuDHD at 21. After a childhood of feeling like defective, everything finally makes sense. My mom realized she has it too, I'm finally ready to unmask and live my life authentically.
Knowing this I think I will be able to go university now.
Life is crazy.