Okay whew, a lot has happened and this is a overview of everything. Thank you if you read this. Would really appreciate a perspective or a thought from someone outside of all this. For some kind of context, I’m a 23 year-old woman.
I’ve been trying to build a sustainable foundation for myself after everything that’s happened, but this morning I felt completely overwhelmed, like everything from the past six months is about to blow up in my hands. And I feel like I get stuck trying to figure out and fix everything.
Last autumn, I went on a trip with my group of friends. Already during the summer before that, I had started to feel like people were drifting in different directions, and that I myself was also longing for a different kind of community and new friendships.
After the trip, I told my former roommate who had been also on the trip that it felt like there was something between us that made being with eachother difficult and asked if we could talk about it.
The situation ended with them telling me via message that they weren’t able to have that conversation honestly yet and that they wanted to take a break from the friendship. That sudden cooling-off left me quite alone outside of my social circle, since they had been the glue holding the group together. I was still in contact with our mutual friends, but the uncertainty of the situation created confusion and pressure for everyone involved.
I believe that the friendship was keeping both of us stuck in something outdated, and that we both had assumptions and beliefs about each other that were creating distance between us. Looking back, I’ve realized that they projected a lot of their own negative feelings onto me during the friendship. No more of that AAH.
Still, in the end, I feel like things had to unfold this way.
Around the same time, I was completing a degree in the restaurant industry and doing a two-month internship as a waitress. I became deeply depressed and exhausted. The autumn and the turn of the year passed in a blur. It affected my relationship as well, and at one point things were really difficult between us. But we managed to work through it.
Even then, I realized that the restaurant industry isn’t for me, and that I simply can’t continue in it without burning out quickly but I wanted to finish the degree. I’ve started to think more about what kind of environment suits me and what feels meaningful, and I’m trying to move toward that. Ironically, I realized that I function best in calm and quiet environments where there’s space for presence and detailed focus and research. I guess that realization has felt both inspiring and relieving.
But BOOM after that, in January, my father died due to alcoholism, and that has brought a lot to the surface. The final years of his life were extremely sad. His living space was in so bad shape that I can’t even bring myself to describe it. I get these intrusive flashbacks of imagining him being there. He had built a facade his entire life, and after his death, a lot of shocking things have been revealed underneath it. Because of this, my relationship with my mother has also grown more distant, and I need space from her. My halfsister and mom aren’t in contact because of my moms behaviour towards her after the death.
It feels like, in a short time, the whole foundation beneath my feet has crumbled. I used to be interested in tarot cards and still read them occasionally. My card for the year is The Tower, which represents sudden change, chaos, and destruction. I mean… could it be more specific.
Lately, I’ve also been thinking a lot about my previous relationship and grieving it in a new way. We broke up in early summer last year, so maybe that’s why it’s coming up now. We were in a polyamorous relationship dynamic, and in the end, it didn’t work out. I guess everyone is just learning. My ex had another partner from the very beginning, who didn’t actually want polyamory. I met my other partner about six months before the breakup, and I wasn’t able to balance the two relationships fairly at all.
Eventually, I wanted to break up with my earlier partner because I felt like I needed to get out of the situation in order to breathe. I felt a strong desire to be with only my other partner, and we had talked about moving in together. Later, I realized that what I felt most strongly was actually a sense of responsibility toward them and being with them which isn’t the healthiest starting point. We moved in together last autumn. Things have resolved and I adore them.
Still, the thought of my former partner brings up really big feelings. I’ve never experienced such a strong mutual sense of connection, presence, and love with anyone else. And it truly went both ways. Even the simplest things felt good with them, and being with them made it feel like everything in the world was open. My body felt completely calm and at peace in their presence.
I can’t help but feel like I lost something really important. And I’v been thinking a lot about what my life would be like now if they were still in it in some way.
I remember the tight feeling when I was making the decision to break up and considering moving in with my other partner. My intuition was already telling me then that I was doing something wrong, but I didn’t dare to listen to it. Or I dunno if I would have felt that anyways because the situation had so many levels. But I made the choice based on what felt easiest, most familiar, and maybe also the clearest instead of what truly felt right. So I shut down my feelings. That’s why it still weighs on me.
They said they couldn’t see me being apart of their life because the ending hurt too much. Our relations got left kind of open, and we are no longer part of each other’s lives. And I’m so sorry for the hurt and sad about it. I miss them very much.
I notice that I might be looking for answers to my current situation in the past, which isn’t really the solution but at the same time, reflecting is probably still valuable.
But I don’t want to get stuck in the past. And I mean I don’t want to bring up old wounds up anymore or let them label me as much. I just want to relax. Sometimes I feel the urge to call a friend and share some of my thoughts with them, but then I feel like… oh I can’t anymore, at all. I don’t want to vent to them, I guess I just miss close friends. It feels like things have changed. Nothing from before feels right anymore, and I’m also pushing people away. It feels like I’m starting everything from scratch. In a way, life has forced me to begin again. And I’ve really come to understand that in the end I am responsible for my own happiness.
It feels like I’m only now learning things that many people develop already in childhood.
Because of everything, I’ve been unpacking old traumas even more and finally getting closer to understanding who I am, what I want, who I want around me and what I’m interested in. And I want to learn to stand with those things. I’m happy that I’m figuring it out now. Funnily I enjoy my own company propably more than ever, I feel trust towards myself. Later on I can propably also offer more positive things to other people.
I long for a community so much, but I don’t know where to find one and how to start opening up again. I miss friends and connection with people.