Gatekeepers - are all negative diagnoses a dead end?
This is my first time posting on Reddit, so let’s see what this is like, even though it might not be the right platform to share this idea.
For years now, I’ve been sitting with the idea that I might be autistic. I’ve done all the online self-assessments, and they all came back positive or indicated that it's highly likely. I’ve watched lots of videos and deeply related to the content, and I've read the comments and related to those, too. After spending a long time convincing myself that I didn’t need an official diagnosis, I finally decided to go for it and took an official autism assessment.
From the very beginning, the whole experience was utterly underwhelming. It lacked depth, and I felt like there was no real digging into my actual life experiences. The entire assessment felt superficial, even rushed. Then I got the final verdict: "Yes, you do have some traits, but a diagnosis cannot be given due to your lack of need for accommodations."
Right after hearing that, I was a bit disappointed, sure, but I figured, well, that’s that. But as the day went on, a sinking feeling started to hit me. My search was never about getting accommodations; it was always about closure, understanding, and making sense of my life. Instead, it feels like the rug was pulled out from under me.
Before the assessment, everything made sense. All the experiences I read about felt like mine, familiar and close enough to call my own. Getting this result feels like a reverse cancer diagnosis: you're supposed to feel happy that you're "well," yet I don't feel well. Now, nothing makes sense. I don’t think I was looking for validation, but now gatekeepers are telling me that what felt so familiar and true to me is just a thought? Is it just a recreation or mirroring? And more importantly, what now?
Has anyone else experienced this? What are your thoughts?