I‘m 41 and my mom turns 70 this year. Her heaviest drinking decade fell on my tweens/teens. Dad was a heavy drinker too, and abusive. He passed from diabetes complications at 56. For ten years before that and till recently, mom was okay-ish, with an occasional bender about 2-3 times a year.
I moved abroad with my family about 12 years ago, but we always had great communication, we come home couple times every year, and I speak to mom at least weekly. She is actually a great person, very optimistic and fun, absolute rock for the family. She just has these episodes. Since dad’s death she lived 50/50 her place / with my brother and his family (same town). My big brother was always her favorite kid, so everyone was happy with that arrangement. He knew how to handle her benders when they came.
Meanwhile, I went through therapy and just recently made peace with her and my traumas from the teens. I finally de-parentified myself, and felt at ease.
Six weeks ago, my big brother passed away unexpectedly from diabetes complications, he was 48 years old. We came there on time to say our goodbyes, and stayed for a few weeks after funeral. There was a couple episodes in these week when mom lost control and drunk, but I was there and managed to nip it swiftly.
Then I went back to where I live to take care of business and paperwork and stuff. I told her I’ll be back in two months, and asked to be strong till then. She now stays in my brothers house, with my sister-in-law and nephews.
A few days ago there was 40 days after his passing, which is a whole thing in Orthodox faith, and she drunk again, and went on a bender. It’s third day now, and this morning SiL called me to ask if I know where her stash might be. I called mom, tried to cheer her up and talk some future plans, said we all need her and whatever else I could say. She wrapped the talk in 15 minutes, and looks like she went back to drinking, she just lays in her room now, depressed and all.
I know I can’t go there right now and help her (2000 miles distance), and I know she’ll sleep it off eventually. I am just very sad that it sent me spinning again, I recognize that panic in myself, like again I’m the teen scrambling in her room to find the stash and pour the bottles in the sink.
I guess I just need some support in sticking to the plan and leveling my head again.
I’ll be there in two months, and I’m ready to support her more, since I’m the only child left, and we plan for her to come with me back to where I live, later this year.
I’m just drowning in all things at once - grief, guilt, sadness, and empathy to my SiL who has to cope with it there, being a grieving widow herself.
Most of all, how can I level my head back? I have to put the oxygen mask on myself first before helping everybody else, that I know. Do I do my therapy exercises again? I doubt they will work in this situation….
Thanks if you read it all; I just really hope she can be okay-ish again - she is living through nightmare, and I am scared it will throw her off for good.
PS. Sorry for mistakes - English is not my first language