I am 27 and I have two children, a four year old and a 3 month old. I had my 3 month old with my current boyfriend and our relationship has been about 1 year and 5 months. We talked for weeks before we met but our backstory goes further than that. I knew of him 5 years prior when he told my best friend I was cute (he never was direct with me so I didn’t take it seriously and went on with my life) in that 5 year span I met a guy, had a child, a lot of trauma (including him cheating on me with men) and had some confusion and issues in that time. I also (after breaking up with my 4 year olds dad) was seeing someone I knew for over a decade (who lied to me, and had so many partners (sexually) that I couldn’t keep up- caused me even more trauma). In this time my current boyfriend would keep up with me on socials. Made it a point that he got mad once he saw I was dating a guy, and mad again when he saw I was pregnant with that same guy. Fast forward 5 years and we’re showing interest in each other and we talked for weeks before we meet and I finally feel like I met someone that could understand me who promised not to hurt me like my previous trauma and I never connected with someone more than him. We start dating and my 4 year olds dad finds out and we start getting anonymous texting, as far as an air tag being placed on my car threats and more. It caused problems in our relationship for sure. All of which the police never took care of and he got away with it all.
But here’s the thing. The current boyfriend and I got through that. Well for the most part. Not only were we dealing with my 4 year old’s dad but he started asking a lot of questions about my sexual history. Things I don’t remember, or questions you shouldn’t even be asked. Like I said I have trauma so I’ve learned to block things out. Id answer these questions and later down the road the answers would get used against me. At some point I was called a wh*re. That in disgusting and more. I learned that what he was asking me was making me uncomfortable. He would ask me the same question multiple times to where I would question myself and not know right from wrong and I’d start changing my answers which then made me a liar. All of these situations he ended things with me instead of trying to come to a solution. At one point I got accused of cheating on him because someone from my past reached out to me and I responded. It was a short conversation, no flirting basically a “I’m good leave me alone” and I blocked him. I waited (6 days) to tell my boyfriend because of how he’s reacted in previous situations and because of that I got told I was cheating. Meanwhile he had a friendship with a married woman who lived in a different state than him that he had been emotionally confiding in her throughout our relationship while being emotionless and careless with me. I mean he once sent her a 10 minute voice message crying to her about me but tells me he’s incapable of showing emotion and it’s my fault. I don’t see it that way, I see it as he already had an emotional relationship with another women so he wasn’t going to be that way for me (she was the same way with him also telling him she wishes she was never married and more).
Every time there’s a problem I’m expected to take full accountability and apologize even when I’m not in the wrong. I get told I’m impossible to talk to because I don’t care about his feelings, every time a problem arises he completely disappears. I mean physically and socially. He blocks his location, blocks me on all social media and will physically disappear. I have to go through odds and ends to get in contact with him and beg him to come back but he tells me I’m the problem.
I got pregnant and it was a surprise. One thing I’m grateful for is my kids. But the degrading, calling me every name in the book, disappearing on me happened during my pregnancy and even know postpartum. I have struggled so much during this process I didn’t get to enjoy it. He punishes me and makes me feel like I need to earn basic love and care. Even postpartum a punishment is blocking my credit card knowing he’s the one paying my bills while I’m home with the kids. There’s always a punishment. “Have fun being a single mom” “abort the baby” “you’re my biggest regret” and more.
He expects empathy from me. He expects me to change my behaviors to conform to what he wants. Every time I find myself chasing him and begging for him to come back. I’m the one who has to show love or affection to get us back on track. And for some reason I just can’t leave or give up. I don’t know if it’s fear, or because I genuinely want us to work, or because I don’t want to fail another child with a broken family before she even got to chance to grow. I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do, where to go. I haven’t worked since January. I’m just broken. I try to get him to see how the ways I’ve been treated are abusive and he is even self aware and has admitted that how he treats me isn’t okay but somehow he always finds a way to continue the cycle and flip everything on me.
What do you think?