Does anyone else struggle with the feeling that wanting biological children is inherently selfish?
I’m getting to the age where having my own kids isn’t a vague future idea anymore and more of an actual decision I need to seriously think about.
I love kids, and I know I’ll have children in my life in some form, whether through adoption, fostering, mentorship, or being involved with kids in my community. That part feels certain to me.
But I struggle with the idea of having biological children. Adoption/fostering feels easier to sit with, because it involves caring for a child who already exists and needs resources and or support. I’d love to have biological kids but the reasons for it are self serving (wanting to experience pregnancy, sharing the experience of biological parenthood with my partner, seeing myself and my partner in them etc).. For me, thats not a good enough justification to decide to create a whole new person.
I also feel uneasy about the state of the world and the systems we are all part of. There is a lot of political, environmental, and social uncertainty, and while I know that has always been true to some extent, it feels more intense and unpredictable now.
Even a privileged child, with a stable home, financial security, and a loving family, would still grow up aware of widespread suffering and instability. That feels like a heavy reality to knowingly bring someone into, and I think I would feel a lot of guilt about leaving them to navigate that.It also makes me question whether it is responsible to bring a new person into the world knowing everything we currently know about where things are heading.
When I talk to friends who want their own kids about this, I often leave the conversation feeling more unsettled. Not because I think they would be bad parents, most of them would be amazing parents, but because it feels like as a society we really don’t sit with the weight of this decision enough. Bringing a new person into existence feels enormous, and it is hard for me to reconcile that with how casually it is often treated.
I find myself stuck between wanting the experience of biological motherhood and not being able to fully justify it to myself. Im gravitating more towards adoption or fostering these days but I haven’t completely ruled out having kids of my own but I think I might carry guilt around that decision if i can’t come up with a reason that doesn’t feel selfish.
I’m not trying to judge anyone’s choice. I’m genuinely trying to understand how others resolve this internal tension, and whether there is a perspective that might shift how I’m thinking about it.