Discovered my fiancée's hidden sexual history weeks before moving in together. Don't know how to process it.
I'm (50sM), she's (45sF). Together two and a half years. She's moving into my place soon and we're planning to get married. Here are the facts I'm sitting with.
The deception and non-monogamy:
- I need a monogamous relationship to feel safe. I have ADHD and it includes rejection sensitivity issues. I just found active dating profiles from FetLife and Alt with activity about a year and a half ago, months after we'd made an explicit exclusive commitment. I saw from her messages that she had a guy come into her apartment (that I had a key to) the same day that I fuc*ed the shit out of her in the am.
- When confronted, she said she'd "done nothing wrong" because we weren't really committed yet. We were. I was actively divorcing my wife to be with her. She had just completed her divorce a month or so prior to this.
- I knew she was slutty, so I demaned an STI test. She lied about getting an STI test. I contracted herpes from her.
- A few weeks ago, drunk, she disclosed that she cheated on both previous husbands — repeatedly, with enough men she can't remember them all. She called herself "the wife that cheats." Her stated reason: not getting the sex she needed at home. She has never, by her own admission, been monogamous in any committed relationship.
The bisexual boundary:
- She's bisexual with a strong attraction to women. Her position was that sexual contact with women shouldn't affect me the same way as contact with men (regarding our monogamy agreement). I have very few limits sexually, other than monogamy. I will do pretty much anything with my partner to please them.
- Her best friend is very slutty, and she made her cum in a shared bed when they went on a trip with their kids. I told her it made me uncomfortable, but she then had full sex in her apartment in the bed I sleep in with her. I stated a clear boundary about this friend in writing in our chats. One month later she slept with her a second time. Apologized. Promised never again.
- Just recently, she tried to initiate something sexual in front of this friend at my place and got angry when I stopped it. The same friend also brings boyfriends to her apartment during happy hour and then slips into another room to have sex with the guy while my fiancee is there. We were on the phone together one night when it was happening. She also sits with her friend and I and looks at videos of her friend fucking other men. They scroll through dick pics of these guys in front of me. I told her it makes me uncomfortable, but it seems to always continue when she is drunk.
- She still can't keep her eyes off of slutty looking women when she's drunk.
What I'm working with:
She drinks every night and has had an addiction to various pharmaceuticals for maybe 15 years. When alcohol combines with stimulants, her impulsivity and boundary problems get significantly worse. Most of these incidents happened after she's drinking.
I love her. The connection is real. She knows she has issues, really wants to address her alcoholism, and is eager for couple's therapy. I'm not looking for permission to leave — I'm not leaving. I'm looking for anyone who's been on either side of this: can someone with a lifelong pattern of non-monogamy actually become monogamous? What made the difference?