I was trans identified for most of my life and was very very convinced that the only way I’d ever be happy was to chop off my tits and be on hormones. Flash forward to passing and getting everything I ever wanted and still being unhappy, still hating myself, still hating my body, and struggling with suicidal thoughts. I eventually started to see all of the flaws in the logic of allies and trans activists and started questioning if any of this was truly real. The final straw was seeing numerous people around me all of a sudden develop ROGD and go trans. At that point reality had hit and I realized there’s something fishy going on, there’s some extreme social contagion happening and of course everyone has their own Individual reasons and problems that lead to the inevitable decision to “go trans” but its not hard to spot the patterns even amongst unique individuals. It’s just one big maladaptive coping mechanism and we’re fueling the fire by telling people that hating your body is good, you’re born wrong, and chopping yourself up is the only way to be made right.
Now that I’ve desisted and basically reject all of this stuffs validity I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. Everytime the topic comes up and I’m honest about realizing it was just mental illness, OCD, and heavy helping of self hatred, I feel like I’m dropping a bomb. I know it’s just social ocd to overthink every little thing I say but it’s very surprising to me how far the brainwashing has reached the general public, like most of them can’t even fathom that what is happening to people is medical malpractice and self harm. And when you tell them what’s happened to you and friends around you it’s like they seem to have this response that has a subtle cognitive dissonance smell about it. Like I don’t know if I’m just hyper analyzing everything but it seems like after so many years of beating this rhetoric into the public a lot of it stuck. I don’t want to lie to people but everytime I’m honest even whilst still stepping on eggshells I feel so alone and judged.
I just feel so much grief, having to watch kids and young adults who were exactly like me be pushed down this pipe line of self harm and I’m not able to say a thing about it. I feel like I’m partially responsible for peddling the same rhetoric that led to this mess for so long. I know friends who can’t even have sex because of what was done to them as children and I can’t say a word about how this shit is harmful, Ill never look normal ever again and my hormones are all fucked up and everytime I say anything about it, no matter how intelligent and well put together, I get that blank stare back at me. I know now that OCD is my biggest obstacle in life, but now that I know that’s what it was all along for me, I can’t help but look around and get triggered by all of the madness and harm that’s being encouraged. How can I cope with seeing everyone fall down this pipeline around me and not being able to say a word? Should I just grow some balls and speak my truth OCD be damned… I don’t feel like I can. Even typing this up feels unsafe.