I’m overwhelmed with guilt and I don’t know what to do with it. I feel like you might hate me after reading this, but I want to be honest.
I cheated on my girlfriend. Part of it comes from my past — my first relationship ended because of infidelity, and I’ve also been betrayed by friends. That fear made me think everyone would eventually betray me, so I convinced myself I had to do it first. I used a friend for that. There wasn’t full intimacy, but it got very close.
When I was 18, I mistreated my siblings’ pet. At the time, my brother and his wife were bothering me a lot and I didn’t know how to defend myself or make myself respected. During a trip, I took it out on the animal for several days. It's still alive. I did feed it and everything, but I also hit it with a broom or locked it up. I know that was wrong, and I feel guilty about it every day. It’s now being well cared for by another family because my brother and his wife gave it up for adoption. This is one of the things I feel the worst about.
In my business, I made unethical decisions. I overcharged vulnerable clients who were in difficult situations, sometimes charging far more than what was fair. I also avoided taxes by misrepresenting my business activities.
I also used my parents’ house while they were on vacation to bring my girlfriend over and have sex in my sister’s and brother-in-law’s bed. I did it partly out of resentment, and my girlfriend doesn’t know that part.
I also lied in order to gain benefits. I manipulated a psychological resource to obtain advantages in a scholarship process in the United States, making it seem like I was in a worse condition than I actually was.
I’ve had thoughts about killing people I consider enemies — people who bullied or hurt me in the past. I even came close to thinking about how I would do it, although I never acted on it.
I’ve also struggled with a strong addiction bad content. I’ve been trying to control it.
After what I did to my partner, I’ve been feeling a mix of guilt, confusion, and hatred toward myself. I’ve had panic attacks, anxiety, and depressive episodes. I feel exhausted from being this way.
I know other people hurt me, but I also know I didn’t handle things the right way. I’m tired of being like this. Btw im 23
I’m open to honest opinions, even the harsh ones.