My Dark Souls Therapy
A friend gave me his PS3 to borrow about 3 years ago when I moved into my place. I've been told to play dark souls many times and never understood the point. It seemed like a difficult and frustrating game in a world I wouldn't like to be in where games to me are a form of escape.
After years of silencing my thoughts, feelings and loneliness with smoking, doom-scrolling and wherever other forms of self numbing, I decided I needed to stop. Last Christmas break I took the opportunity to quit my meds because I was exhausted from the feeling of my life being grey and bland, or I should say, hollow.
It was painful for at least 2 months but as I was pushing through, I made the effort to see the doctor about getting therapy appointments and medication to help quit smoking.
I was able to kick the chain smoking weed and cigarettes every evening after work to a cigarette every couple of weeks to remind me how awful they taste and feel. I did mushrooms for the first time a couple months ago and it presented me with fear itself. This unexplainable deep dread of being stuck in your own consciousness, as if time stopped and you exist within nothing but thought. I wouldn't say it was a good or bad trip, it just was a trip and it opened my eyes. This place it took me, I must revisit someday to confront my feelings of death and mortality but that's far enough away to keep on a high shelf for now. Weed now opens the door to that so I'm partly keeping my sobriety out of fear. Plus my wallet hates those habits so it's a great benefit.
It was at this time that I picked up dark souls because I wanted a challenge and it couldn't be a comfortable challenge. Living alone with my state of mind makes this more than just a fun challenging pastime.
I had an idea of what I was in for but didn't (and still haven't) gone into it with too many spoilers. I have a general idea of what to do and where to go.
I began playing maybe 5 minutes at a time before the anxiety and fear became too much. Being frightened of what comes next, tackling the controls and obviously seeing "YOU DIED" repeatedly coming up on screen. Once I acclimatised a bit more and got used to the game, the frustration kicked in. Being stuck repeating the same thing over and over and knowing when to turn it off when you realise you're getting worse or dying quicker.
I'm about half way through the game now, and I have revealed to my friends that I finally picked it up to which they were delighted. I don't get to express my feelings towards the game though as they are more interested in the builds and comparing boss fights etc. To a point where it trivialises the game.
I wanted to express myself somewhere and say that maybe it's just a well made video game but for me it has been a tool to help me realise myself and train me for real world challenges. Knowing when to put the game down over frustration, learning from mistakes, taking things slowly and methodically, understanding what the characters represent (even if it's superimposed from your own perspective and understanding) and choosing the right path for you in the moment. This has been a slow but deliberate process in reclaiming my life (or humanity I guess). It's the ghosts and skeletons near firelink that say "this is not the way yet", the constant laughing in each NPC that says "we don't have the answers but feel free to take a breath", the onion head guy always waiting and never doing, and those 3 fucking rats that kept poisoning me and pushing me off the edge under the drake's bridge.