u/Gullible_Freedom_459

I can’t really believe I’m writing this and I’m sorry if it’s too much.
I work. I go to therapy (2 years)to process childhood trauma that I’m only facing now. Had a terrible few months. Had to face some unbelievable things related to my dad.
I’m 41. Always coped but I now don’t feel any joy. I don’t want to live but I try and function. Recent diagnosis of CPTSD
Today before work I did something which involved me basically bleeding and me measuring how much blood I had lost (500 mls)and how to do things slowly so it wouldn’t be obvious. In stages. I went to work. No one would know. It feels sane and rational. Like it wasn’t a big deal. Am I losing my mind?! My psychologist knows I’m in a bad hopeless place but I don’t know what he would do if I told him this. What’s happening to me? Was it a big deal? Or just a way of coping? Im not sure anymore