My mom just told me I'm not a "natural" at being a SAHM
Needing advice on how to handle raising babies alone while grieving. A little background on my life:
In March of 2025, I suddenly became a widow while 5 months pregnant with my second child. My other child was 2.5 years old. That pregnancy proceeded to be extremely physically and mentally debilitating. I developed polyhydramnios, severe pelvic pain, a horrible rash over most of my body, and had such bad heart burn that I was going through a bottle of tums every 2 days. On top of all of that, I was taking care of an extremely strong willed toddler and the summer heat that came a little later on made things 10x harder. Needless to say, I had so much on my plate that it seemed I didn't have time to properly grieve my husband.
In July I had my baby. It wasn't an emergency C-Section, but an unexpected one. My first was vaginal, and I just wasn't expecting it at all. He came out perfect, but I was dealing with a recovery that was a bit harder (imo) than a vaginal birth. I struggled with so much pain the first month of his life. I was determined to breast feed him for at least 6 weeks, but I made it to 3 months before I switched him to formula. I started experiencing what I can only figure was D-MER and formula was a sanity saver.
It's been a little over 9 months since my baby was born. My 3 year old still isn't speaking very well. He is in speech therapy, but is considered non verbal. It has truly devastated me. I really expected my life to be so much more traditional. A great husband, a thriving 3 year old, a new baby... but my life feels broken and incomplete. I am incapable of viewing my life in a different light as of this moment. I can't see the bright side or look for silver linings. I'm angry. I'm stressed out of my freaking mind. I have great days, but the bad days make me feel like I could have a nervous breakdown sometimes.
Fortunately, I never had to go get a job after my husband passed away. I'm pretty set financially. That being said, being with my kids most of the time has been overwhelming. Knowing that my best friend isn't coming home at night to be my partner in parenting is the loneliest feeling. Luckily, I have been able to hire someone to come and watch my boys twice a week for a few hours to give me time to go to appointments, self care, go shopping, etc.
I've been blessed with my mom throughout all of this. I really mean that. She has been a tremendous help. There is no doubt about it. But it's hard parenting with your mom. Not only does her presence magnify my husband's absence, but we have to be careful not to step on each other's toes. She has been the main witness to how I've handled these past almost 14 months.
Today I was just so stressed. I'm 3 weeks post op from surgery, both of my boys are sick, I'm not feeling well, and my hormones are awful. I was venting on the phone about how physically and mentally overwhelmed I've felt this past year and how it's felt like a never ending battle. She proceeded to come at me for that. I was told that I'm not the only one with problems (I never said I was?), other people just don't let their issues get to them like I do, that being a mom was her main purpose so all of the stressors that came with being one just wasn't a big deal to her... What hurt me most was she said, "I get it. I do. I get that you hate being a stay at home mom. I get that you don't want to wipe snotty noses all day. I get that it doesn't come natural to you." And then kept going on and on.
I guess if I said things like that, or even alluded to it, I'd be a little more understanding. But honestly, it just felt resentful. Like, she was really telling me how she perceived me as a mom. I just apologized to her for venting and asked to change the subject. But it's really bugged me. It's not that I hate being a stay at home mom, I'm just genuinely stressed and traumatized by my husband's death, and trying to raise to babies by myself. My brain is at max capacity. But it's made me feel like I'm a bad mom and someone with no real purpose or calling. Which is awful because I always believed what I would be natural most at in my life was being a mom. Has anyone went through traumatic experiences, trying to raise kids alone, etc? *I'm in therapy.*
EDIT: Thank you guys so much for your encouraging replies. You have helped me more than you know!