Met someone with BPD and I can’t tell if I’m overthinking this or ignoring red flags
About a month ago I met a guy at a party and we ended up going on a date the next day. The chemistry felt ridiculouslyintense right away. He was very charismatic, very emotionally open, asked me a million questions, remembered tiny details about me, and somehow got me talking about really personal stuff super quickly. We ended up bonding over therapy/mental health experiences and it felt weirdly intimate fast.
Early on he told me he has BPD, is in therapy, and takes meds. He was very upfront about it, which I respected. At the same time, he also drinks a lot/spends a lot of money partying, which kind of stood out to me.
He also talked about his past relationships pretty early on. From his perspective, both relationships ended with him being hurt badly, and he described himself as the victim in both situations. He mentioned that one of his exes was physically violent toward him. I obviously don’t know the full story and I’m not dismissing the possibility that those experiences were genuinely traumatic for him, but combined with everything else, it added to the feeling of emotional intensity very quickly.
One thing that stuck with me is that he joked something like: “We should just skip the next 3 years where you eventually leave me and I end up with nothing.” At the time I brushed it off as dark humor/self-awareness.
Then I had to leave town for a while. During that time our communication was inconsistent/on-and-off. When I got back, he liked me on Tinder but didn’t actually message me. Then yesterday he randomly texted asking what I was up to and whether I was going out that night. Later he showed up outside the place I was at and we talked for a while.
What threw me off is that he remembered everything I told him a month ago. He was even mirroring some of my mannerisms/speech patterns. He kissed me, said the Tinder like was basically his way of asking whether I was still interested, and mentioned that his friends know about me already. We also talked about seeing each other again in a couple days.
Before leaving, I told him pretty directly: “If you actually want to see me, text me tomorrow and confirm.” He still hasn’t texted.
I’m conflicted because he’s incredibly charming and emotionally perceptive, and I appreciated his honesty about the diagnosis. But after seeing him yesterday I came home feeling strangely emotionally drained and unsettled instead of excited.
I’m trying not to stereotype people with BPD or reduce someone to a diagnosis. I know people with BPD can absolutely have healthy relationships, especially when they’re in treatment.
Has anyone experienced something similar — either as someone with BPD or dating someone with BPD? Would you treat this as a warning sign, or just slow things down and see what happens? I really like him, but I also have experience in dating a person with narcissist personality disorder and it was extremely hard for me, so I want to be careful this time.