Unsure how much a traumatic event has affected me. (tw: suicide, domestic and sexual abuse)
Growing up, I was in a domestic abuse scenario. Both of my parents were abusive, my father in particular was very extreme and tried to kill me in a murder suicide. I grew up struggling with suicide and depression and tried to kill myself as a preteen.
A few years ago, I was raped. I was still in school at the time and a classmate coerced me into sex by blackmailing me with suicide (which was evidently a very sensitive topic for me).
Unlike my earlier trauma which I still suffer with daily and get frequent flashbacks of, I do not feel much towards when I was raped. It has affected the way I view my sexuality and I am unable to engage in sex in any capacity without feeling repulsed, but in my daily life it has not made an impact. Even at the time I was intensely upset for only a week or so before recovering.
Before I was raped I had already learnt to completely shutdown emotionally for periods of weeks at a time when it was not safe for me to become emotional. I would be punished for getting upset by my mother, who is very withdrawn and was abused by her parents before getting into a relationship with my father, I think with the intention of avoiding an incident.
I am unsure if the ambivalence i have towards being raped is due to not having processed my emotions from the time or if it was just not impactful. I had already developed a lot of coping mechanisms by that point in my life. I shut off at the time and I remember mostly just feeling uncomfortable and increasingly irritated waiting for it to end so I could get on with my evening. I wanted to get home before my mother got back from work, I was more scared of her than my rapist.