“Don’t worry about it.”
My mom was diagnosed last week with Stage 4 cancer in the gall bladder that metastasized to liver. Fortunately had a friend of an oncologist at City of Hope who squeezed her schedule to see my mom. So, I told my parents to come down to LA immediately - they live 300mi north of me - and we started the journey yesterday. The first day was already a doozy…after 5hrs of paperwork, bloodwork, etc. we get a call on the drive home to immediately go to ER and have a cardiologist check her because the bloodwork suggested bad stuff. So, another 4hrs at ER.
Mom has visibly deteriorated fast from the last time I saw her over XMas. She’s 85 so it will be a tough battle…I’m hopeful, but mentally I’m preparing for the tough reality.
It’s strange, I never envisioned a scenario where my Mom passes before my Dad. She’s been the glue that has kept my family together. I have a brother 5yrs older who went off to college and has never lived close to us since…we’ve been cordial, but not really close. I went off to college in LA and have been here since ‘88, but I’ve been the one to visit the parents regularly and help them financially, with their taxes, etc.
Anyway, my Dad is a good and responsible man, but he’s always been ornery with a short fuse…all bark and no bite, but not fun to be around for an extended time. I suppose I’m naive, but I helped my parents for the past 4 decades with the presumption that my brother would carry more of the load at this later stage - Hope and Foolishness are twin brothers.
We had a conversation over the phone a few days ago as all of this drama was suddenly unfolding. He lives in the East Coast so taking the initial responsibility for my Mom’s care was my default responsibility. He apparently made a half-hearted suggestion to my Mom that he could come to be with them and take her to a hospital up north for he appts if she wanted that…LOL.
As we were having our phone talk, I cut to the chase and asked him what his thoughts would be about caretaking for our Dad if Mom passes. I am a single dad to a high school freshman daughter so none of this is easy or convenient for me, and I don’t see how I can deal with my Dad for the long haul if my Mom passes.
He responded, “Well, you know, don’t worry about it.” As in, I’m not going to be bothered by it.
Those may be the last real words that I exchange with him in this life. I’m no Saint, but how do people absolve themselves of ANY responsibility in these circumstances…perhaps conscientious and responsible people truly are the suckers.
A noble person and a stooge likely appear similar from a distance…